I know, I know

...two posts in one day is an amazing feat for such a slogger (slacker blogger) as I.

Anyway, depression sinking in. Having a really rough fucking day.

Doctor called. Pap came back abnormal, again. Colposcopy set for the 31st.

I am so fucking tired of this and angry! I want to throw shit at the walls until the plaster crumbles and the dry wall caves in. I want to scream and throw myself around like an extra off of the Exorcist. FUCK.

I just got all of my medical bills paid and just started to be somewhat solvent, financially, again and here we fucking go. I'll play along this time, but next time, I am going to tell her to fucking take it out. I can't afford the bills, nor can I afford the blows to my sanity.

All the waiting, and worrying, and crying and picturing a future for the boy without me in it. I can NOT do this to myself. I try to keep myself up by knowing and repeating to myself that it will never get to that point. I will never let myself get to the point that dying is an option, but I'm not yet ready to give up hopes on a future baby.

There are some fucking days that I hate, HATE being a woman.