a funny story
There is so much banging around in my otherwise empty head, I might easily become overwhelmed.
However, I do have a post for you. I have saved a funny story for you all that I wanted and had planned to post from the addin. But for some stupid reason, the Microsoft Word add-in for Blogger won't work for me ::hmph::
So I must type this whole thing out and I am tired.
It started one September eve. Rainy, cold, wind blowing at it's normal 'seasonal' hurricane force here in SE Oregon. My dainty, delicate wee kitty, Twitch, was in heat and I was coming verily close to bouncing her off of the wall to make her shut the hell up. For that reason, although a good enough one on it's own (is there a worse noise in the universe?). But also to put an end to her backing up to my then 3 year old, innocent boy who really found it quite amusing to scratch her just at the spot where her tail joined her body because "She looks so weird when she stands like that, Mom!".
Finally, I opened the door and through a series of complex ninja-like moves and lightening fast reflexes I tossed her out the door, simultaneously slamming said door behind her. Coming up on 5:30 p.m., I realized that I had left her outside for two hours. At this time, it's rather apparent that she will be soaked through and through (bucket of rain, anyone?) and tenuously holding on to a slightly higher than a 'probable chance', she'll be very knocked up.
I went to the dining room window, opened it a smidgen because I really didn't want to drown, myself, and called for her. Nine times out of ten, she'd jump up on the air conditioner support that sat there and come through the open window (after I'd opened it to at least 4.25 inches, she wasn't that wee or dainty). But no.
Directly across from me, she was up in the tree, howling like an innocent child possessed by something so frightful as to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Little did I know that what I was soon to come face-to-face with was eerily close, but not quite of a demonic child sort of situation. (I don't think. Time and a couple of miles of distance have blunted the sharp edges, a bit). So, in a mood, I threw myself about, looking for suitable footwear. Pissed at the stupid animal because she wouldn't come down out of the fucking tree and still howling like the neighbor is after her with a butcher knife. **Again, time has softened most of it a bit, but knowing the neighbor as I do now, I wouldn't say for sure that he wouldn't go on a bit of that sort of rampage... Thank God that the little prick has moved away**
Anyway, she had pulled this before, this cat, who as a youngster, would climb up drapes and loll about on the rods. Or when feeling especially adventurous, she would reach out and hang from a three and a half inch planter hook a foot away, thus rendering herself STUCK. So, I was mad. I went out to get her, throwing a fit at her Southern Belle antics. It was pouring rain, of the bucket variety. I was walking through 6 inches of wet leaves in flip-flops. Leaves were clinging mightily to any available patch of bare leg they might adhere to. Did I mention the cut off shorts? The leaves felt like leeches, unwilling to give up their patch of neon white skin. There I am, flouncing along, mad as hell, preparing the speech I am about to give her (oh, a single woman and her cat!) about the perils of hanging about in trees while 6 inches of water are pelting down and describing the dangers of slumming around with males who would actually be out in that kind of weather! and something growled at me.
This wasn't a 'was that a growl or wasn't it?' sort of growl. This was the deep in the throat, demonic, if you take one more step, I will eat your face off and possess the soul of your child for the next 100 years sort of growl.
Anger, weather, neighbors going blind from catching a peripheral glimpse of my pasty whites, Twitch - all wiped completely out of my mind.
What the hell? There, in the semi-darkness, was the biggest fucking domestic cat I have ever seen, on TV or in real life. I have seen fully grown cow dogs that were small compared to this animal. It had long, white, wet fur sticking out all over the place, lending it a slightly electric look (as in: it had been hit by lightening and lived, solely, to tell all of it's inbred, backwoods, cross-eyed cousins the tale before he chopped them up with an axe and ate them). And it was positioned for attack.
At first, I copped an attitude. All bravado and 'fuck you, fuckin' male cats all hanging around my house because of one stupid bitch cat, blah, blah, blah'. Simple muttering to keep myself from hysteria because I have looked into the eyes of the Devil, people! Bravado was to quickly fall to the wayside, however, because I rapidly realized that for every step I took, the 'great white one' would leap towards me about a foot (or was he floating?).
It occured to me that A: This cat demon is trying to stay between Twitch and myself, B: It is surely all male and C: If I am stupid enough to take on a horny male cat who has caught the scent and is bound and determined to eat my face off so that he may commence trying to knock one off with the fey Twitch, then it is questionable as to whether I am intelligent enough to raise a child.
I am stuck. Partially in fear, partially due to the fact that I am infuriated at the thought of being bested by a fucking cat.
So, I picked up the first thing that caught my eye. Of course, it wasn't a rake or a double barrel shotgun, complete with silver bullets. No, it was a rope, although it did have a rather large knot in the end. I picked it up and the enemy inched forward. I swung it at him and the little bastard side-steps it, shooting me a rather belittling look at my best attempts at defense against the unnatural. It was looking bad. He was gaining ground, while I was quickly handing it to him on a silver platter. I was, in unconscious self-preservation, backing up. Until then, I hadn't noticed that the backs of my legs were touching the bottom stair.
The only thing going through my head at that point was "What the hell are you still sticking around for, you idiot girl? RUN!! Save yourself!! Life will be terrible for the boy with a mother who has no face due to a maniacal, amorous feline animal!! RUUUUNNN!"
K, I'm tired. Story to be continued...
However, I do have a post for you. I have saved a funny story for you all that I wanted and had planned to post from the addin. But for some stupid reason, the Microsoft Word add-in for Blogger won't work for me ::hmph::
So I must type this whole thing out and I am tired.
It started one September eve. Rainy, cold, wind blowing at it's normal 'seasonal' hurricane force here in SE Oregon. My dainty, delicate wee kitty, Twitch, was in heat and I was coming verily close to bouncing her off of the wall to make her shut the hell up. For that reason, although a good enough one on it's own (is there a worse noise in the universe?). But also to put an end to her backing up to my then 3 year old, innocent boy who really found it quite amusing to scratch her just at the spot where her tail joined her body because "She looks so weird when she stands like that, Mom!".
Finally, I opened the door and through a series of complex ninja-like moves and lightening fast reflexes I tossed her out the door, simultaneously slamming said door behind her. Coming up on 5:30 p.m., I realized that I had left her outside for two hours. At this time, it's rather apparent that she will be soaked through and through (bucket of rain, anyone?) and tenuously holding on to a slightly higher than a 'probable chance', she'll be very knocked up.
I went to the dining room window, opened it a smidgen because I really didn't want to drown, myself, and called for her. Nine times out of ten, she'd jump up on the air conditioner support that sat there and come through the open window (after I'd opened it to at least 4.25 inches, she wasn't that wee or dainty). But no.
Directly across from me, she was up in the tree, howling like an innocent child possessed by something so frightful as to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Little did I know that what I was soon to come face-to-face with was eerily close, but not quite of a demonic child sort of situation. (I don't think. Time and a couple of miles of distance have blunted the sharp edges, a bit). So, in a mood, I threw myself about, looking for suitable footwear. Pissed at the stupid animal because she wouldn't come down out of the fucking tree and still howling like the neighbor is after her with a butcher knife. **Again, time has softened most of it a bit, but knowing the neighbor as I do now, I wouldn't say for sure that he wouldn't go on a bit of that sort of rampage... Thank God that the little prick has moved away**
Anyway, she had pulled this before, this cat, who as a youngster, would climb up drapes and loll about on the rods. Or when feeling especially adventurous, she would reach out and hang from a three and a half inch planter hook a foot away, thus rendering herself STUCK. So, I was mad. I went out to get her, throwing a fit at her Southern Belle antics. It was pouring rain, of the bucket variety. I was walking through 6 inches of wet leaves in flip-flops. Leaves were clinging mightily to any available patch of bare leg they might adhere to. Did I mention the cut off shorts? The leaves felt like leeches, unwilling to give up their patch of neon white skin. There I am, flouncing along, mad as hell, preparing the speech I am about to give her (oh, a single woman and her cat!) about the perils of hanging about in trees while 6 inches of water are pelting down and describing the dangers of slumming around with males who would actually be out in that kind of weather! and something growled at me.
This wasn't a 'was that a growl or wasn't it?' sort of growl. This was the deep in the throat, demonic, if you take one more step, I will eat your face off and possess the soul of your child for the next 100 years sort of growl.
Anger, weather, neighbors going blind from catching a peripheral glimpse of my pasty whites, Twitch - all wiped completely out of my mind.
What the hell? There, in the semi-darkness, was the biggest fucking domestic cat I have ever seen, on TV or in real life. I have seen fully grown cow dogs that were small compared to this animal. It had long, white, wet fur sticking out all over the place, lending it a slightly electric look (as in: it had been hit by lightening and lived, solely, to tell all of it's inbred, backwoods, cross-eyed cousins the tale before he chopped them up with an axe and ate them). And it was positioned for attack.
At first, I copped an attitude. All bravado and 'fuck you, fuckin' male cats all hanging around my house because of one stupid bitch cat, blah, blah, blah'. Simple muttering to keep myself from hysteria because I have looked into the eyes of the Devil, people! Bravado was to quickly fall to the wayside, however, because I rapidly realized that for every step I took, the 'great white one' would leap towards me about a foot (or was he floating?).
It occured to me that A: This cat demon is trying to stay between Twitch and myself, B: It is surely all male and C: If I am stupid enough to take on a horny male cat who has caught the scent and is bound and determined to eat my face off so that he may commence trying to knock one off with the fey Twitch, then it is questionable as to whether I am intelligent enough to raise a child.
I am stuck. Partially in fear, partially due to the fact that I am infuriated at the thought of being bested by a fucking cat.
So, I picked up the first thing that caught my eye. Of course, it wasn't a rake or a double barrel shotgun, complete with silver bullets. No, it was a rope, although it did have a rather large knot in the end. I picked it up and the enemy inched forward. I swung it at him and the little bastard side-steps it, shooting me a rather belittling look at my best attempts at defense against the unnatural. It was looking bad. He was gaining ground, while I was quickly handing it to him on a silver platter. I was, in unconscious self-preservation, backing up. Until then, I hadn't noticed that the backs of my legs were touching the bottom stair.
The only thing going through my head at that point was "What the hell are you still sticking around for, you idiot girl? RUN!! Save yourself!! Life will be terrible for the boy with a mother who has no face due to a maniacal, amorous feline animal!! RUUUUNNN!"
K, I'm tired. Story to be continued...
posted by Lori | 8:59 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home |