there are times

There are days that it catches me by surprise.

Today is one of them.

I am so busy. Running and running and when I innocently stop to catch my breath, IT catches up with me: My mom is going in to have a rather serious surgery within the next 72 hours and given her current state of health, it is a possibility that she might not come back out of those doors.

I have talked and cried and thrown this thought around since the minute she told me that it was cancer and they were going to operate in a rather precarious area.

I thought that I had, to a degree, come to terms with the fact that I may soon lose my mother. Rather than the later I prefer.

It is just now starting to sink in, though. When did it stop looking like the future and turn into the present? How can it be here already?

Next week by this time, my life might be irreparably changed.

I find myself at the brink of tears, constantly. I keep trudging through and finding things to do with myself so that I can just keep putting the dangerous thoughts in the back of my mind while all I really want to do is go to her, find a soft spot and cuddle her for hours, talking of the past and the future, ignoring what the present may become. I want to go to her and spend hours telling her all of the things that I never said, but should have. All of the things that slipped by the way when I had to go or when I had to hang up because something was pressing or yelling or loud and I had to get away from our connection. I want her to know how much she means to me, to us. I want to review it all just in case she has forgotten how much of our world revolves around her and the memories she created for and with us.

But I won't.

I don't want her to go into surgery thinking that I am preparing myself for her death. I want her to go in there with the full intention of returning to us and I want her to carry the power with her that that intention carries.

I am so scared and so sad. Is this it? For me as her daughter and her as my mom? God, please hear my plea: I beg of you that it is not the last.

I don't know when I'll be back. I don't know when I'll post or what it will contain. Hopefully, my return with come with good news.