not the long, ranting, emotional post

...I'm too tired.



My mom has cancer in her face. Deep in her face and possibly in her brain. It is going to require not only extensive surgery, but a prolonged stay in the hospital, which she is very anxious about. In order to do surgery, she is going to need to have an angiogram done beforehand to make sure that her heart can withstand it. With her blood disease, her doctor is worried about heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, etc. In addition to the blood disease, she has, in the past, had a very hard time with being "put under". She has died twice on the table during a hysterectomy and suffered numerous complications after surgery.

I am scared and sad and angry and hurting. I don't want her to die. Yet, she has suffered so in the last couple of years, I almost hope that if her quality of life isn't going to improve after this, I hope that she does pass in her sleep.

I am afraid of losing my mom and one of my best friends. I am sad that she is so afraid and when I hear her cry, I want to take all the fear and hurt away. Angry that it wasn't caught before by her normal doctor who just piled pills on top of pills when she described how badly she was feeling. And hurting that the most I can do is reassure her that if the time comes, I will make sure that every one of her last wishes are followed.

And I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about her passing.

May it be that God will provide me with the strength I need to help her and may he be with her when she needs him the most.