All Hallows
Ahh, Halloween. The day that the boy has lived for (and the day that has been used as my leverage for the last 2 weeks) is finally here. I will have to start using Christmas, now. He really shapes up when I "call" Santa. Hahaha. Oh the joys of finding creative ways to make your kids behave!
The kid will be a pumpkin. He asked to be one so that he may be a "cousin" to the pumpkin that we "shaved". I have told him several times that we carved it, but for some reason, shaved is stuck in his little head. And it's cute, so I'll let it stay there until he figures it out on his own.
The weekend was a quiet one. I drank my daily caloric intake, beer being the liquid of choice, twice and still managed to drop 2 pounds. Go me! Love the little surprises in life.
I read an email, one of those that you get 2 or 3 times a year about family and blah, blah, blah. This one is the one about how you go about your days, extending nothing but courtesy to perfect strangers, but when it comes to home and family, your manners seem to have evaporated. It really struck home and got me to thinking, seeing as how I have to apologize to the boy for the abuse I heap on him when he is hanging off me or throwing on of his 4 year old fits. Abuse in the verbal "What the hell is your problem?" sort. Not the physical sort, although there are times when the thought of certain animals eating their young seems perfectly rational to me. I always feel so bad. And he knows. He knows that if he works himself up to the "Oh my god, my mom hates me and is going to give me away" sort of hysteria, that I will instantly apologize, crawling on my knees and begging his forgiveness for being the absolute bitch that I am. What gives? I mean, I know that this little boy is the light of my soul. I know that I would die for him, literally, if it came to that. I know that I love his little soul more than I love life. But yet, the knowing of how precious he is to me, it seems to drift away at the end of a long day, when all he wants is me. My attention and my time. And I feel so hard pressed to give it to him. When I am rushing about, washing dishes and cooking and exercising and folding laundry. For some reason, the knowing gets pushed to the side and I always feel such the hag for forgetting when I see that I have hurt him. And I apologize and try to explain that I didn't really mean anything I said, that I am stressed and angry at life and that while I know that it's not his fault, that he was just in the line of fire. And I wonder, am I scarring him for life with my own tantamount fits? Am I turning him into the typical axe-wielding, mother hating, angry murderer? And why is it that as a parent, I am much harder on myself than I have ever been?
I guess it's because there is so much at stake. A whole little life that someone, somewhere has entrusted me with. Trusted that I would make the most of it, teach him to be a good citizen and that lying is bad. Teach him to laugh and to laugh the most at himself. That screwing up is acceptable. But how do I teach him these things when I'm still working on them myself? Lead by example? God, I don't want him to be this fucked up. I am by no means a great role model, I don't think. I guess we just have to do our best and hope that the universe will catch us when we fall, or fail, as the case may be.
There I go again, being so hard on myself. I know that I'm doing ok. I know that all parents suffer through the hurting of their own babies, well maybe not all. But the good ones do. It's the good ones that care. And I do. The best I can do is just suggest these things and hope that he takes them to heart, right? I can't MAKE him a good person. I can't make him an upstanding citizen. I can just tell him what I think is right or wrong and hope that he can tell the difference himself. Put trust into whatever being is out there watching over us. Trust that they (it?) instilled a good heart in him.
Yes, I am rambling. Getting a head cold and feeling a bit off today, if you couldn't tell. Sorry. And it's going to be so dang cold tonight. Nothing like shivering in an 80 degree office all day and going to walk about in the 30 degree night with at least one screaming kid at any given moment. Will be taking my car because sister's heater is screwy. So, I need to go and clean out the car.
OH! And as a favor to one of my best friends, and my best babysitter, I will be a Monday through Friday mother to...a....*GASP* teenage girl!! She will be moving in around the eleventh of November. Expect high drama. Haha. Just kidding. She's like a little sister to me, so we may get into some little tiffs, but little sister lives only 3 doors down and so the teen can go and recuperate at her house off and on. Good thing that sister is willing to share the responsibility because as we can all tell from this post, I am constantly tripping on the motherhood path... Take care...
The kid will be a pumpkin. He asked to be one so that he may be a "cousin" to the pumpkin that we "shaved". I have told him several times that we carved it, but for some reason, shaved is stuck in his little head. And it's cute, so I'll let it stay there until he figures it out on his own.
The weekend was a quiet one. I drank my daily caloric intake, beer being the liquid of choice, twice and still managed to drop 2 pounds. Go me! Love the little surprises in life.
I read an email, one of those that you get 2 or 3 times a year about family and blah, blah, blah. This one is the one about how you go about your days, extending nothing but courtesy to perfect strangers, but when it comes to home and family, your manners seem to have evaporated. It really struck home and got me to thinking, seeing as how I have to apologize to the boy for the abuse I heap on him when he is hanging off me or throwing on of his 4 year old fits. Abuse in the verbal "What the hell is your problem?" sort. Not the physical sort, although there are times when the thought of certain animals eating their young seems perfectly rational to me. I always feel so bad. And he knows. He knows that if he works himself up to the "Oh my god, my mom hates me and is going to give me away" sort of hysteria, that I will instantly apologize, crawling on my knees and begging his forgiveness for being the absolute bitch that I am. What gives? I mean, I know that this little boy is the light of my soul. I know that I would die for him, literally, if it came to that. I know that I love his little soul more than I love life. But yet, the knowing of how precious he is to me, it seems to drift away at the end of a long day, when all he wants is me. My attention and my time. And I feel so hard pressed to give it to him. When I am rushing about, washing dishes and cooking and exercising and folding laundry. For some reason, the knowing gets pushed to the side and I always feel such the hag for forgetting when I see that I have hurt him. And I apologize and try to explain that I didn't really mean anything I said, that I am stressed and angry at life and that while I know that it's not his fault, that he was just in the line of fire. And I wonder, am I scarring him for life with my own tantamount fits? Am I turning him into the typical axe-wielding, mother hating, angry murderer? And why is it that as a parent, I am much harder on myself than I have ever been?
I guess it's because there is so much at stake. A whole little life that someone, somewhere has entrusted me with. Trusted that I would make the most of it, teach him to be a good citizen and that lying is bad. Teach him to laugh and to laugh the most at himself. That screwing up is acceptable. But how do I teach him these things when I'm still working on them myself? Lead by example? God, I don't want him to be this fucked up. I am by no means a great role model, I don't think. I guess we just have to do our best and hope that the universe will catch us when we fall, or fail, as the case may be.
There I go again, being so hard on myself. I know that I'm doing ok. I know that all parents suffer through the hurting of their own babies, well maybe not all. But the good ones do. It's the good ones that care. And I do. The best I can do is just suggest these things and hope that he takes them to heart, right? I can't MAKE him a good person. I can't make him an upstanding citizen. I can just tell him what I think is right or wrong and hope that he can tell the difference himself. Put trust into whatever being is out there watching over us. Trust that they (it?) instilled a good heart in him.
Yes, I am rambling. Getting a head cold and feeling a bit off today, if you couldn't tell. Sorry. And it's going to be so dang cold tonight. Nothing like shivering in an 80 degree office all day and going to walk about in the 30 degree night with at least one screaming kid at any given moment. Will be taking my car because sister's heater is screwy. So, I need to go and clean out the car.
OH! And as a favor to one of my best friends, and my best babysitter, I will be a Monday through Friday mother to...a....*GASP* teenage girl!! She will be moving in around the eleventh of November. Expect high drama. Haha. Just kidding. She's like a little sister to me, so we may get into some little tiffs, but little sister lives only 3 doors down and so the teen can go and recuperate at her house off and on. Good thing that sister is willing to share the responsibility because as we can all tell from this post, I am constantly tripping on the motherhood path... Take care...
posted by Lori | 10:12 AM
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