Days Go By

Today I had my first "in person" phone conversation with JR. I was a little anxious about it, afraid as coming off as the hick from the back forty. But she was sweet and nice and funny and I very much enjoyed our hour on the phone. I suppose I was anxious over the fact that she is so smart and wise to the world (whereas I'm really not) and I worried that when we talked in person, we wouldn't find any common ground. Much to my delight, she is not only as well spoken, smart, and kind as she comes across in her blog, but she's my type of girl, full of sassiness, with a mouth like a sailor to boot. Thanks, Rose. It was a splendid conversation and one of the highlights of this wicked month that has reduced me to tears more than once.

My god, the boy is growing up fast. This week alone, he has developed a penchant for white bread, slathered in butter and topped with bologna (so gross, the mere thought of it brings a pseudo oil coating to my mouth) and discovered his love of showers. The butter/bologna sandwich he makes himself complete with butter smeared hands, cupboards and even a blob of aforementioned grease upon my computer screen. And the showers. Good Lord, the child stands in there until the hot water runs out - oh, 30 - 35 minutes give or take. He has informed me that "baths are for babies and I'm not a baby, am I?" Last word of the question expressed with requisite raised eyebrow and little boy hands on hips. Good cryin' out loud, next week he'll be driving a car. Well, without being on my lap, anymore. Yes, it does go too fast.

Christmas in 4 days. Sheesh. I feel like last week, I turned around and it was Halloween. I think that once you have a kid, or when you have an 'involved' job, the days just whiz by. Mostly because you are just caught up in the day-to-day bull shit. And time just floats on by. The only notice you receive is when holidays, or the turning of the season comes and you're thinking "What the fuck? Wasn't it just New Years?" If I could turn back time, I'd go back to when he was just born and live it all minute by minute, imprisoning memories to be relived forever. There are so many little things that you think will always last. And one day, you realize they are gone, left while you were busy.

For instance, an entry in my ' Letter's to Ty ' journal I keep:
I lay here beside you watching you sleep. Perfect little fans of lashes lying against sweet cheeks made for mom's kisses. I think back to when I first brought you home. Remember looking over the edge of the bassinet at your perfect little fingers & toes. Putting my finger into your palm, just to watch you grab onto it like the lifeline it's supposed to be, even in your deep sleep. When did you stop doing that? I did it just tonight, just to see if you would grab ahold. You didn't. I see you now, running and talking a mile a minute, all flashing eyes and waving octopus arms. And I am so proud of the miracle you are. To think I held you in my very own womb and carried you, brought you here, for all the world to know. It's amazing. I have never been so graced by magic. I hold your head, cup the back of it and wonder "Did I remember to remember when his little head quit fitting, perfectly snug into the palm of my hand? Or did I just do it one day and it no longer fit?". You grow so quick and steady, it's hard to put distinction to the passing of those things. I wish that we could go back to that little baby and do it all again so that I could make sure that all of those days were imprinted in my mind's eye as well as being adorned upon the very core of my heart so that I would never forget them. I hate that those days sped by so quick, without me taking notice. I know that soon, you'll be going to school, growing more independent by the day and my heart will be full to bursting at the magic that is you but still, it will be breaking and wishing for the days when I could slip my finger into your palm and you would grab ahold, hanging on to it like the lifeline it's supposed to be.