Help Me Make It Through The Night

Today Merce called me out on the boyfriend issue. She asked 'Why can't you just be happy for me?'. And I am. I really am. I know that having someone there in the middle of the night to laugh with and be with helps her.

But I am also jealous. And sad that I am jealous when I really am happy for her. I can pretend with just about anyone, except her. And to try and pretend all of the time, not being able to express it hurts almost as much as the issues I have within myself.

When is it my turn? Why can't I be loved? If not loved, then at least CONSIDERED for Christ's sake? Last time I had a boyfriend, someone to actually, truly call my own was with Jake, and hell, that's been 5 years now.

It makes me feel so awfully unworthy and lonely and ugly and fat and hideous. Here I am alone for 5 years, going into the sixth when she isn't even divorced. What is it about me that screams 'Run, go, get away. You don't want this one!' when she just glides from one to the other. First it was C, who yes, it was supposed to be just friends, but from all that was said about it, the relationship just seemed like more. Then, D and now S. And Lori? ZIP.

And it seems that all the growing up I've done? Well, is isn't worth much. I can't relate to people who want to spend all of their free time and hard earned money on drink. I want to have someone who can entertain themselves somewhat coherently, without the necessity of 'just add alcohol'. Someone who knows what's going on outside of our little village and actually acknowledges the world out there. Do I really have to dummy down to find a mate?

I always feel like I'll be alone forever and whenever I express it, I hear what they think I want to hear "Oh, yes, yes, you will. It just isn't your time!" Well, when the fuck IS it my time? Has it come and gone? Do the follies of my youth count towards some unknown number of times I am allowed to feel loved and worthy to someone of the opposite sex, outside of my family?

I am lonely. It follows me day to day. Sitting in my throat, a painful lump to have to swallow around. At night, I think of things that can and will never be. Of people who will never want me nor want to be considered mine. I am making my self crazy with the loneliness. The terrible part of it is; I don't know how to stop it. I don't know what to do with this god awful loneliness that haunts me. How do you stop wanting something that is human nature? Something that is ingrained so deep within you that you can't cover it up and coax it away? How can one make themselves happy, living in a solo state, when their basest instincts are telling them to couple up?

The holidays never help. I always feel the loneliest at this time of year. I have my boy and for him, I am more grateful than mere words may convey. But where is the one to pick out a present for me? The one who might steal a kiss under the mistletoe?

I miss someone I've never had. I want there to be someone there for ME in the middle of the night, too. I want someone who will hold me when my world falls apart. Someone who will pick me up when I've shattered and paste it all back together with love. That feeling, when you are out and about, doing the normal day to day, that feeling that someone out there is harboring and cherishing the thought that you belong to them. I want that. I miss that. And apparently, I am not meant for that any more.

I really, truly am beginning to feel like that is the case. And believe me, it's a much harder lump to swallow than just loneliness.