when it rains

There are times when I feel so small and insignificant in this world. Like I don't matter in the grand scheme of ANYthing.

There are also times when I feel like the world revolves around me in only that anything and everything I touch has some affect that does not, in fact, cannot go unnoticed.

I'm feeling (at the moment) about 1/2 and 1/2. Straddling the fence, at it may be.

In some aspects, I do matter. Just the fact of what has happened with one of my best friends and her daughter. I felt that I was doing the daughter justice by being there for her when she needed me, but at the same time, who am I to make those decisions? I do stand by what I did. Mostly because I did it and I take full responsibility for it. But also because I know that there are kids out there who get into situations FAR worse than this one has been in, who need someone that they are comfortable spilling the details to. But, really, who am I? Certainly not the hero.

My life is so fucked up in and on it's own that I really shouldn't fool myself into thinking that I might be in a position to dispense advice to a teenager. Obviously, after what I've been through tonight. And I am embarrassed and ashamed to think that I thought I was being kind and helpful to those involved, when really, I have no credentials to back me up. For that I am sorry. And for hurting one of the closest and best friends I have. My only saving grace being that I truly love her and her daughter and I would never knowingly or willingly hurt either of them.

And then, the small and oh so insignificant. I sat there, tonight, looking around at all the people around me. Grumbling and bitching about their day to days, wondering if I just got up and left, who would notice. What would they say? Mostly, it would be "I can't believe she would just LEAVE without saying goodbye!". I would hope that one or two of them would wonder what was up and worry about me, but I try not to delude myself in most things. I know that Merce would wonder. But tonight when I left, she accused me of being mean, when really, I am depressed and moments away from tears and it kind of hurt my feelings that she would say that when she knows it all. I really didn't mean to come off mean, but I know that if I had stopped to go into detail, I would cry and I didn't want them all to see.

I wonder what my life will be like a year from now. I honestly see it as more of the same. I will be doing the same things, with the same people, feeling like the most alone person on the face of the planet, surrounded by people who just want to have fun. At this point, I am thinking I might never find another man to marry, much less love. What if this is it? Really. What if you only get so many chances and then you are left with the alcoholics and perverts, or better yet, the alcoholic perverts? I don't want one of them for life. I don't even want one of them for one more second.

I am tired and PMS'y and going on 2 beers plus a shot of Hot Damn. So maybe I should just go to bed. Today, work was a bitch. Cute cowboy is seeing some girl. My state refund hasn't come in. And I am supposed to go to the doctor on Tuesday, but seeing as how it has been nice, it is supposed to SNOW the day I go to the OB/GYN (an hour and a half away) for the consult on the most recent abnormal pap. MY GOD, I love the way shit turns out for me. When it rains, it fucking floods around here.