Some Day, I'll be Like a Real Grownup

Making a roast today and it has all the children clamoring for food. You'd think we never feed these heathens by the way they're acting. I can understand. Pot roast makes me feel hungry all day long, too. That smell of delicious roasting meat, simmering all day long. Yum. Hot roast beef sandwiches on fake wheat bread for dinner.

As for lunch, I'll rustle something up. Something carb laden and filling. Of course, they'll all be hungry within mere hours afterwards, but what's a financially challenged woman to do? People bitch because I have hardly any food in my house. Well, if I could get myself outta debt, I might be able to procure vegetables and meat to put on the table, but I'm still paying off debt that was incurred while I was pregnant with Ty and the time after, before I got a job. Amazing that blue collar types are so much overweight, when highly processed foods are about all that fits into the budget. And forget getting any help from the state. This state, anyway. Sometimes, I feel as if they get you down and then they want to keep you there, reliant on them in some way, so they just keep trying to beat the spirit out of you. Assholes.

Older sister left yesterday morning. Tears flowed. I hate to watch her go. I hate to leave her. When she's gone, I can kind of gloss over everything that happens here and let it all slide. But when she's near, she makes me feel safe and protected and I can feel, and worry, and fret to my angst-filled heart's delight. When she leaves, it just feels like she is taking the real me with her. Kind of stupid I know. She should be taking the fake me. The one that glosses stuff over and ignores everything just because she is here. But for some reason.... maybe it's that she is the older sister and ferocious in watching over all that is hers. And we all are. We are hers and she is ours. Give and take. Funny when you think how long she has been married. You'd think that at this point, we'd all kind of realize that her husband loves her and will take care of her, but for us, for this family, the wanting to soothe and protect stays true for all of us, all through the years. Together and apart. Probably the only constant in some of our lives.

Some people are amazed at how close we all are. You just don't see a lot of families like ours anymore. Everyone is so busy with their own shit that bonds fray and relationships fall apart. Families get lost in the shuffle. Some people have ugly little snide remarks when they find out that we'd REALLY rather go home and watch a movie with a sibling than run around, spending money on beer we don't need, hanging out with people we can't be sure are trustworthy. And for them I am sad. I am sad that they don't have this sort of bond in their lives, that they are jealous and catty. You can't save the world, I suppose. You can only work on the one closest to you.

Well, I think I'll go and have a look-see through the cabinets. See what I can figure out for lunch. There are a few possibilities, right off the top of my head. I am quickly becoming famous for the line "Well, sorry if you don't like it. That is what I made for lunch, that is what we are having and if you don't like it/eat it, then you can go without." Makes me feel bad, though. I can understand that they are hungry and want to eat something that they prefer. I prefer having decent food, too. Someday, I'll be like a real grown up and have real food for offering.