Quite Blessed
I got the call today.
The last biopsy was negative. Thank God. I don't go back until December.
I can't even explain the weight that lifted from my shoulders. I was so sure that it was going to be bad and I was going to have to do the LEEP again. I am sure that getting the phone call the day after Pepper died had something to do with it. I didn't know how much it was weighing me down until she called me and I cried with the sheer relief of knowing that it was ok, this time.
Fall is in the air. Some of the leaves have turned yellow and the mornings contain that almost shiver quality to it. Not quite cold enough to be uncomfortable, but the promise is there. I love it.
I love when the seasons change. It's probably the only change in my life that I welcome. I am such a creature of habit. When change occurs, it usually knocks me for a loop. I don't cope well with it.
Today, my mom drove herself to town. It is on of the only times she has gone by herself in the five years that we have lived here. She said that she needs to start doing these things herself. I think she is right. She has been having a really hard time of it. She feels trapped, not only by the fact that she has such a hard time with the house, but trapped by the constant pain that she is in. I try hard to be patient and understanding with her. But it doesn't always work and I get frustrated easily by her defeatist attitude. She has such a hard time of it, but she refuses any suggestions anyone makes. Anymore, it feels like no one can make her happy or help her. Mostly because she refuses to do it for herself. Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't want to be happy. That she feels like she is only heard when she is sick or unhappy. I feel bad for her. But really, I can't make her happy if she refuses to let herself be. Anymore, she does just that - refuses to be happy. I don't think I've heard her laugh her deep, down belly laugh in probably 3 or 4 years. That breaks my heart. I remember the woman that would sit with us girls and get slightly hysterical at the slightest suggestion. I miss that woman. The one that has replaced her will always have my utmost respect and my love. She will always know my secrets and the scent of my tears, but it's getting harder and harder to find the woman we all love in her.
Sorry. It was a happy post. I am really in a very good mood. I just went off on a tangent there and really, when I think of everything that COULD be wrong with my life... well, I'm feeling quite blessed at the moment.
The last biopsy was negative. Thank God. I don't go back until December.
I can't even explain the weight that lifted from my shoulders. I was so sure that it was going to be bad and I was going to have to do the LEEP again. I am sure that getting the phone call the day after Pepper died had something to do with it. I didn't know how much it was weighing me down until she called me and I cried with the sheer relief of knowing that it was ok, this time.
Fall is in the air. Some of the leaves have turned yellow and the mornings contain that almost shiver quality to it. Not quite cold enough to be uncomfortable, but the promise is there. I love it.
I love when the seasons change. It's probably the only change in my life that I welcome. I am such a creature of habit. When change occurs, it usually knocks me for a loop. I don't cope well with it.
Today, my mom drove herself to town. It is on of the only times she has gone by herself in the five years that we have lived here. She said that she needs to start doing these things herself. I think she is right. She has been having a really hard time of it. She feels trapped, not only by the fact that she has such a hard time with the house, but trapped by the constant pain that she is in. I try hard to be patient and understanding with her. But it doesn't always work and I get frustrated easily by her defeatist attitude. She has such a hard time of it, but she refuses any suggestions anyone makes. Anymore, it feels like no one can make her happy or help her. Mostly because she refuses to do it for herself. Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't want to be happy. That she feels like she is only heard when she is sick or unhappy. I feel bad for her. But really, I can't make her happy if she refuses to let herself be. Anymore, she does just that - refuses to be happy. I don't think I've heard her laugh her deep, down belly laugh in probably 3 or 4 years. That breaks my heart. I remember the woman that would sit with us girls and get slightly hysterical at the slightest suggestion. I miss that woman. The one that has replaced her will always have my utmost respect and my love. She will always know my secrets and the scent of my tears, but it's getting harder and harder to find the woman we all love in her.
Sorry. It was a happy post. I am really in a very good mood. I just went off on a tangent there and really, when I think of everything that COULD be wrong with my life... well, I'm feeling quite blessed at the moment.
posted by Lori | 7:30 PM
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