dreary days...

So, Saturday breaks kind of cold and cloudy. Dreary, really. But we'll live. It's been so nice and spring-y this week, I actually broke out the sandals, TWICE. Yay....

Tonight, we'll be hanging at the neighbors. It's been called a BBQ, when really, it's just an excuse to stay at home and get drunk, rather than go to the bar. There will, eventually, be a smattering of food to show, but not until ten or so, when the heathen children decide to start gnawing away on arms and limbs.

Last night, I went down to the bar for a bit. Merce thought that I was mad because I went home early. Mad, no. Slightly irritated by the skinny boy that insisted on licking me (which is gross enough on it's own!!) AFTER he ate fish. I am allergic to fish. And I explained this to him and tried, in vain, to fight him off. He did lick me, and I hastily wiped any and all saliva, along with the first layer of skin (just to be safe) off the side of my face and he was mightily entertained *can you see me rolling my eyes??* I do like the skinny boy, I'd even go so far as to say that I love him, because, really, he has a huge, gentle heart that life often breaks for him and he is continually getting hurt and feeling bad. But, really. Don't go around licking people, it's just gross.

Aside from that, no I wasn't mad. I'm stepping back to let Merce and S do what they need to do. I hope that she understands that.

I remember her and I getting into a fight in front of the Cedarville Cafe because her and her best friend had decided that I was using Merce to be around Jake. I remember feeling absolutely devastated and slightly guilty because I could see how they would come to that conclusion. When really, it wasn't meant to be that way, at all. And now that the tables are turned, I see it even more clearly. I sometimes felt that way with S. She needed me for her wingman so she could be brave enough to go after what she wanted. And hey, if it didn't turn out the way that she hoped, she was there with me in the first place, right? It didn't have a thing to do with him (or so the convoluted thought went...). We've done that, Murph and I, with S. And I get the subsequent left out feeling. We go together, she leaves me high and dry and off she goes. It's just the way the game plays out. And really, that was the hoped for ending, right? So, instead of hanging around and feeling the third wheel, I leave early. And, Murph, when I do leave early or opt out all together, I hope that you'll remember this. I'm not mad or hurt or upset, I'm telling you, I already think that the end result will be what you hope for and you don't need me to back you up. Part of the growing up and letting go part of things, I suppose. It only takes 2 for a relationship. Add any more people into it and things go to shit, purty quick. Loves....

So, I think that I might be going to nearby town with the old woman who is my mother, today. If so, I need to get my ass off the computer and call her. Hope that all is well, and I will behave myself this evening, BzBiff, promise. No sex for a month.... not like anyone is beating down my door at this moment, so it's fairly certain I won't be having any problems. Tall, dark and handsome coming home isn't too much of an issue (I don't think). He's been tainted and after all the shit that's happened since he was last here, instigated, mostly by yours truly, I don't think I'll be an option for him, either. It was all rather junior highish and verily immature. Yes, I was hurt and angry, but I could have done better by expressing my unhappiness.