So Here I Sit (*Warning, lots of whining and boo hooing ahead!)

On a Saturday night. On a night when all the cowboys will be in town because of the Silver Show at the saddle shop.

I am trying to not give in to the depression that has been licking at my heels for the last week. But right at the moment, I am just so tired of fighting it, I might give in for a while.

I asked Ty if I could go out for a while and he bawled and I felt like shit for even considering. Especially when I am the first one to say "God, shouldn't she be at home with her sick kid?" Although, in my defense, he was well enough this afternoon to go out and play for an hour. His fever is gone and his color is slowly starting to return.

Sometimes, I feel so low. And I know that part of it is my drama queen personality getting the best of me. Because really, what do I have to be depressed about? My health is good, well, it will be after they remove the pre-cancerous lesion on my cervix (which is looking like I am going to have to put off because my fucking period refuses to start when I need it to). I have a family who loves and cares about me. And yes, I admit, it does feel like I am about to be left in the cold because Merce and S continue to grow closer and closer and he is currently spending almost as much, if not more time with her than I am.

Childish, yes. For so long, it's just been she and I. As much as I thought I had to do with D, it was all a sham (for him) and I know that for S it is not. He isn't just merely using her to warm his bed and to have someone to hang out with. He does care about her and yes, I am glad that he does. I am not glad that I am alone, once again, but it's a position I should probably get used to. Seeing as how I have no luck with the male species. Well, unless you count the married men, they seem to have a special fondness for me. Yay! Part of me is tempted to just say "fuck it" and let it all go. Let the worry and morals and shit go out the window, just to feel like someone wants ME, at least for a while. And yet... I can't. I know, I whine farrrr too much.

So, I am sitting here, whining about being alone, when it could be so much worse. I know I need to suck it up and quit my bitching. Sometimes, though, a girl just needs to get this shit off her chest and since everyone is out hanging with cowboys, I bitch here. Lucky you.

Ty did tell me I should go. He feels better and he was being whiny, he says. He feels bad that I feel bad and is trying to make up for it. But really, I keep saying that I need to spend THIS weekend at home, and every single time, I end up going out. Well. Looks like I'll be spending this weekend at home. *sigh* coulda picked a better weekend, Lori. At least I know that I can count on myself, at times. Some of the time, it doesn't feel like I can count on even myself. That whenever I set something up for myself, the other Lori goes and fucks it up. Whichever that other Lori is at certain times. Could be the angel one telling me to stay away from that married man. Or the not so angel one telling me 'aw, fuck it, it's just money, you can pay that credit card off again' and 'just one more drink, it doesn't matter now, he's already asleep and you've already stayed out way past what time you said you'd be home.'

I am a terrible, awful person. And sometimes (most of the time) I think that I am stupid and selfish for even thinking that I could do this on my own. That I am ruining his life because I am not what he needs. That I yell too much and that I think of myself far too much, before him. I'm going now, I think I'll go to bed, even though it's only eight.