Reflecting

Let me preface this by saying:

I KNOW the boy has a good heart. I see it and feel it. Maybe not every day, but often enough to know that it's there.

Last night, he was throwing rocks at the apartments and my neighbor said to him that she was going to beat his ass. I understand, I would say the same thing. But she then told me "it's a good thing that you have us all to look out for him". And while I do appreciate the backup, it just kind of hit me wrong.

First, there were the bets on when he would go to jail. Then, there was a general collection of 'bad' stories and instances about him. And then she said that.

I don't know if she was being catty or if it was just a simple remark. All I do know was that it kind of stung and got to me.

Here lately, I've been questioning my role as a good parent and just when I start to believe that maybe, it's just him being six and being a boy and not me molding him for a life of crime, someone shoots off at the mouth without thinking how it will fall and it gets me back to square one again.

However, all of them quickly shut up when I said "You know, I'd feel really bad about him if they (meaning all of our kids) weren't all such monsters, equally."

I know he gets away with a lot. But sometimes, you are just too tired and busy to worry about it unless blood is involved. And by 'get away with', I mean he doesn't get beat within an inch of his life, constantly, like maybe he needs. He definitely knows that I am unhappy and will deal with it, to some degree, when I have the time and/or energy.

It's not easy being a single parent. The constant worry and constant push and pull on you from your kid. There is no one to complain to or worry with because they all have their own lives and have their own shit going on. Single parenting is STRESSFUL! News flash, I know. Parenting, period, is stressful but I can't help but think that when there is someone there to worry with about anything and everything, that THAT (the unloading) helps. And I just try to roll with mine. Then, I come here and everyone out there in internet world, I mean, like the whole one of you who reads gets to hear it. So maybe I am just being a wimp?

I don't know. I know that I try to do my best on alternate days of the week (note the sarcasm.... My way of dealing) and if my best it isn't another's best, that is their own problem.

I swear, my gut hurts just thinking about the 5 million different ways I have probably screwed this child up.