annual posting of calf pictures

30 things before 40

In an effort to grow up... Oh God, who am I fooling? I'll never grow up... just grow older, wiser and wrinklier!
Anyway, I am comprising a list of 30 things I want to do before I am 40. There is a chance I'll get 10 of them done, maybe. Who knows? Food for thought. What do you want to do before your next decade? Leave me some crumbs.

1: Go to Ireland/Scotland
2: Get and stay out of debt
3: Maybe fall in love (no promises. Remember the cynic who is writing this?)
4: Buy a couple of horses
5: Buy a truck
6: Take the boy on an airplane (kind of goes hand-in-hand w/ #1, huh?)
7: Go to Disneyland
8: Buy a .22 and go out regular-like, shooting rabbits and coyotes
9: Get a tattoo (looking at this for my b-day present)
10: Spend a whole night outside, with the boy, watching meteor showers
11: Own a four-wheeler ATV
12: Buy all of my own furniture
13: Decorate my house the way I want to
14: Help my dad make his property in Utah livable
15: Find my friend from teenangst days, Tony Perkins.
16: Formulate and keep relationships with my cousins, Laura and Meri
17: Introduce my son to his cousin, Michael
18: Introduce my son to his dad, Jake
19: Start going to church
20: Quit smoking
21: Get the boy to eat a vegetable
22: Plant my own beautiful, wondrous garden full of flowers and pretty things
23: Buy a house that I can make my own
24: Shoot a mountain lion
25: Get my hunting and fishing licenses and USE them
26: Take my son to Marine World
27: Take my son to Lagoon in SLC
28: Keep all of the close friends I have now
29: Keep Clint out of prison
30: Enjoy myself, fully. Understand that while I am not perfect, I am ME and that's a pretty fucking cool thing to be!

Here's to the thirties, may they be all that I hope they will!

I knew it was there all along

I just came back from round 2 of night calving. This is where we drive around in a pickup equipped with a remote control spotlight and look for cows having trouble birthing or babies who have been abandoned.

It is cold, messy, dark, heart-breaking and enchanting all rolled up into one weed and dust infested outing. My neck hurts from bouncing over all of the bushes and bumps. And frozen cow shit, as well. I will try and get out and get some pictures. In my humble, ranch girl opinion, one can never have too many pictures of calves lying about.

As the boy and I snuck in a lunch time feeding with two of the leppies, one of the hardened old cowboys turned to me and said, "I used to love this time of year. I loved the babies and helping them and feeding them. Getting them to stand and to suck. I loved it and always thought of it as a 're-birth' and the earliest sign of spring. Then, one day, my boss said that, to him, 'it seems to more often than not, be a time of death' and I never looked at it the same way again."

For some reason, this sentence has stayed with me all day long. And the vague sense of displeasure has lingered in the back of my head, too. I just find it a bit too cynical and harsh. Especially when I'm looking at it with the wondrous eyes of a five year old cowboy who is so mightily enamored with it all.

The Prozac rolling through my veins is softly killing the cynical side of me, I fear.

It just... yes, there is death. On both ends. The mothers (we lost one due to a prolapsed uterus) as well as the babies. And the babies. God, they are so small and long-lashed. They are heart breaking to look at when they can't stand or can't even hold their heads up. We saw one tonight that will be dead in a few hours and it's mother just stood over it, calling out. And it is a time of death. But I think that although it is a time of death, it is also the polar opposite and is the birth of a new beginning.

I've known that death was there all along, but I choose to ignore it in favor of the living. They say that ignorance is bliss and I agree. I just couldn't look at those babies with the same adoration and glee I carried with me last night. Tonight, it a quick look of relief, a requisite glance to make sure all was right on my side of the pickup. Whereas, last night, it was cooing and oohing and aahhing over their cute little faces.

I feel just a tiny bit disillusioned tonight, although like I said 'I knew it was there all along'.

settling down

I was going to post a photo of BzBiff's Xmas present, but my computer has somehow ate it.
I hope you enjoy it Elizabeth. I wish I could have got it framed before I gave it to you, but I was worried that it would unravel whilst in my bag.

Well, for my post-new years post, I don't have an outline of what I learned or what I want to say, so I'll just ramble and go over it and we will see what comes out, shall we? A practice in patience and literary ridiculousness.

I do notice a difference in myself. I am calmer and quieter. These days, I'm fairly content with sitting at home and watching a movie or playing on the computer. There really isn't any point in going to the bar, only to do the same stuff and see the same people. A waste of my precious monies.

I am more health conscious these days. Thinking about giving up smoking. It's a catch 22, however because I am also working on getting down to my goal weight and if I quit smoking, I know that I will turn into a Hoover. We'll see what happens. I know that I am smoking less than I have in years.

Merce, she is trying to quit. Considering the fact that she has gone from about a pack and a half a day to only two or three cigs per day, I am awfully proud of her. She can do anything she makes her mind up to do, I know it and soon, she will too.

I am regaining my domestication. I have rediscovered my obsession with creating a "home" versus having decent space in which to flit through and land in occasionally.

I am contemplating getting a sewing machine so that I may take up the quilting legacy that my grandmother left behind. All of us grandkids received tied quilts for Christmas and really, I think that it's only right that someone take the tradition up and give our kids those lengths of memory and love.

I still have three quilts that my Granny made. One is falling apart and sitting in a plastic bag so that I can look at it every once in a while and consider taking it apart for scraps to use in a quilt of my own. One is on the boy's bed and is still one of the warmest and most comforting pieces of fabric I own. And one is in the linen closet. It was the one she gave me when I got married. It's huge and heavy and is used every time the kids stay over.

I have also rediscovered cross stitch and my hands are all crampy and arthritic as a result. Elizabeth has proof with her little scene of dog and mongoloid cat lying atop of him. My brother got me a sewing bag for Christmas and it sits next to me, full of cross stitch kits to start.

All in all, I suppose I am growing up. Thank God, it's about time. I'll be 30 in twenty days. I suppose that I will always carry the Peter Pan gene and it will show itself from time to time. But for the most part, I feel myself settling down.