Off on the prattling end of things again

It's a yucky, snowy Monday. My god, the work today. It was an avalanche. Every time I turned around, it was something else. Somebody calling, "Oops, I forgot to mention, you need to fill these out and then have them fill those papers out!" Opening mail and discovering another 2 ft. of paperwork that needed my time and energy. Good cryin' out loud. Then it started snowing, cold, dry and quickly freezing snow. The roads - AWFUL. Time - way too little of it. Patience - long since worn thin.

My dad came and got me at about 4:00 to go get my niece and the boy. He (my dad) forbade me to drive anywhere in this crap. So little sister and I were stuck in a 25 x 16 foot room with TWO children. Also in this room are two desks, two computers, a bookcase that is about 8-9 ft. long and divides the room into 1/4 and 3/4. It was interesting. A resounding headache is the result. I did get some stuff done while they were there, but it was, well, WORK. We left about 15 minutes early, eager to be out in the Arctic blast and 5 inches of snow, just to be out of all that "closeness". The kids too, although the reason for their eagerness was probably more along the lines of self-preservation. God knows, they were probably right on the money with that. One spilled water on her mother's papers (an accident, poor sweeting) and the other hung off of me, especially when I got on the phone. Like if he pressed close enough, he might hear what the other person was saying. Grated my nerves down to the nub, I tell you. He's now preoccupied with Tom and Jerry. Bless the teenager's heart, she puts up with him hanging all over her when we get home and even let's him watch his own shows, although I assure her that she doesn't have too. I know there are shows that she wants to watch, too.

My friend - C - is home, ALONE. He's the one who broke his neck. I can't believe that a person would just bring him home and drop him off, to fend for himself WITH A BROKEN NECK. And this being the woman who professes to care for this man. Well, she professes anyway. Actions speak louder than words, do they not? And I can't see myself letting someone I loved sit at home, alone, with such an injury. They probably got into a big fight. You know men when they are recuperating. The most pleasant of species to confer with, they are most assuredly NOT. Although, she's not the most pleasant on any given day of the week, so I'm not placing blame any which way. I've heard someone say that they suspected she had tied him up and was torturing him up there in her lair. Terrible thing is, it's almost something that I can see her doing. Ok, maybe not. Maybe I just dislike her because of that whole intimidation thing. God knows, she does intimidate me. When she asked if I was fucking her husband, I seriously thought about jumping out of the car while it was rolling along at 50 miles an hour. I figured that she had asked me to go with her just so that she wouldn't have a witness. Goodness, I do rattle on...

So that's what's shakin' in my part of the world. Extreme cold, slight snow drifts, constant nose wiping, a perpetual phone ringing off the hook in my small mind, a small headache from pulling my hair out at the roots (I hear Rogaine works wonders. After this week, I may need to invest in some!). Hope you all had a wonderful Monday.

Quick P.S. The girl - Sarah - did lose the twins on Wednesday. By the time they got to the hospital, she was dialated to 6 and her water had broke. The little girl was stillborn and the dr.'s think that is what started the labor. The little boy died 20 minutes later. My heart aches for this girl. I am so sad and hurting for her loss.

Hmmm... Personality Test

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Some Day, I'll be Like a Real Grownup

Making a roast today and it has all the children clamoring for food. You'd think we never feed these heathens by the way they're acting. I can understand. Pot roast makes me feel hungry all day long, too. That smell of delicious roasting meat, simmering all day long. Yum. Hot roast beef sandwiches on fake wheat bread for dinner.

As for lunch, I'll rustle something up. Something carb laden and filling. Of course, they'll all be hungry within mere hours afterwards, but what's a financially challenged woman to do? People bitch because I have hardly any food in my house. Well, if I could get myself outta debt, I might be able to procure vegetables and meat to put on the table, but I'm still paying off debt that was incurred while I was pregnant with Ty and the time after, before I got a job. Amazing that blue collar types are so much overweight, when highly processed foods are about all that fits into the budget. And forget getting any help from the state. This state, anyway. Sometimes, I feel as if they get you down and then they want to keep you there, reliant on them in some way, so they just keep trying to beat the spirit out of you. Assholes.

Older sister left yesterday morning. Tears flowed. I hate to watch her go. I hate to leave her. When she's gone, I can kind of gloss over everything that happens here and let it all slide. But when she's near, she makes me feel safe and protected and I can feel, and worry, and fret to my angst-filled heart's delight. When she leaves, it just feels like she is taking the real me with her. Kind of stupid I know. She should be taking the fake me. The one that glosses stuff over and ignores everything just because she is here. But for some reason.... maybe it's that she is the older sister and ferocious in watching over all that is hers. And we all are. We are hers and she is ours. Give and take. Funny when you think how long she has been married. You'd think that at this point, we'd all kind of realize that her husband loves her and will take care of her, but for us, for this family, the wanting to soothe and protect stays true for all of us, all through the years. Together and apart. Probably the only constant in some of our lives.

Some people are amazed at how close we all are. You just don't see a lot of families like ours anymore. Everyone is so busy with their own shit that bonds fray and relationships fall apart. Families get lost in the shuffle. Some people have ugly little snide remarks when they find out that we'd REALLY rather go home and watch a movie with a sibling than run around, spending money on beer we don't need, hanging out with people we can't be sure are trustworthy. And for them I am sad. I am sad that they don't have this sort of bond in their lives, that they are jealous and catty. You can't save the world, I suppose. You can only work on the one closest to you.

Well, I think I'll go and have a look-see through the cabinets. See what I can figure out for lunch. There are a few possibilities, right off the top of my head. I am quickly becoming famous for the line "Well, sorry if you don't like it. That is what I made for lunch, that is what we are having and if you don't like it/eat it, then you can go without." Makes me feel bad, though. I can understand that they are hungry and want to eat something that they prefer. I prefer having decent food, too. Someday, I'll be like a real grown up and have real food for offering.

The Day After

Ah, the day after... I'm sure there are people all over the place regretting something they've done the day before, be it family squabbles, the chronic loneliness that seems to pervade some and resulted in a one night stand (why is it that being single seems SO pronounced on holidays?), too much drink, too much food.

As Ty and I were walking into the house after being at Nana and Papa's all day, he summed it up: "Today was an awesome day". Well done, my child. We cooked, we laughed, we played poker with my dad for white beans, we ate, and to cap it all off, we watched CSI: Las Vegas. It can't get better than that.

I didn't overeat to the point that I was uncomfortable for the rest of the night, only for a couple of hours or so. And really, I could do without the turkey, it's the green beans with sauteed mushrooms & onions, mixed with bacon and Cheese Whiz that I wait for. I'm sure it's so laden with calories and fat that my heart must be glowering at me, but my god, it's so good, I could bathe in it. Of course, mom's homemade stuffing isn't anything to sneeze at, either. But really, it's the green beans I'm there for.

Funny comment. We were watching CSI and this guy ate himself to death. The coroner was telling the investigators that a normal stomach holds up to one liter, an overly stretched one, maybe 4 liters, but this guy had consumed 6 liters of food 2-4 hrs. before his death, resulting in asphyxiation because he couldn't breathe once his stomach had pushed up. And then cut to commercial. My older sister quipped "20,000 people just went to the bathroom and threw up." No kidding.

She leaves today. I hate it. It makes me cry when she leaves and my heart hurts with an awful severity for a while after she leaves. It always makes me so sad and lonely for her when she goes. I hate that she lives so far (6 hrs.) away and so hard to get to. I hate that sisters who are this close, in a day and age where "family" just doesn't mean what it used to, I hate that we only get to see each other 3 or 4 times a year, if we are lucky. But, as I've said before, I like where I'm at. I like what I do. And to be closer to her would mean a whole new lifestyle. Someday I might move there, but not anytime soon. And them moving closer is just not an option. In a perfect world, neither of us would have to choose. In a perfect world, one or the both of us would win a billion dollar lottery and just go ahead and live where ever in the hell we wanted, work nothing but a memory. I suppose a person would have to actually PLAY the lottery in order to win, huh?

Well, I better be off. I've made her some CD's for the long trip home. Whenever I leave her house, or send her off, I try to leave a little piece of me with her, to appease the sadness that I know plagues her as well. She usually cries too, she just waits until I'm gone or she's down the road before she does it. Godspeed, Miss. May angels guide your way home and keep you safe.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Thanksgiving always makes me sit and think of all that I have to be grateful for. And it's quite a bit. Mostly they are things that everyone takes for granted:

My family
My friends
My health
The roof over my head
The fact that I have a job

But there are things in each of our lives that make them our lives and they set us apart from one another, yet they are no less than what anyone else is grateful for. Although I could have some issues with people who are grateful for innocent children to prey upon or old people looking for financial stability...

What I am REALLY thankful for that gets overlooked so often:

That I can see... Sunrises and sunsets, Ty's legs getting longer and that look in his eyes right before he laughs.
That I can hear... His laugh, him saying "I love you, too Mom", music, crickets, thunder, rain on a tin roof.
That I can laugh, long and loud and at myself
That I can appreciate the value of "I'm sorry", not only in others but in myself.
That I can get in a car and drive at night and feel the weight of the world lifting from my shoulders.
That lil' sister is only 3 doors down and when I need her, she can be here immediately.
That the older sister and brother will come as fast as they can, if need be.
That our family loves one another, despite all the short answers and curt nods.
That my Uncle K didn't die.
That this girl Sarah will have an awesome support system if (when?) she loses the twins. She is 23 wks. pregnant and went into labor this morning. They stopped the labor, but after finding an infection, were thinking of inducing it again. And at 23 wks., they don't think the twins can be saved.
That the neighbor - N - came through surgery just fine.
That my friend - Clint - didn't have to have surgery and that through stupidity, didn't die.

These are just a few and I'm sure that I'll think of more. I hope that you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and that you take a few moments to remind yourself of what you really are thankful for. It makes life so much richer.

POW - Family Style

Can't really post very much. I'm doing this while I should be getting ready for work. I'll risk the wrath of my boss...

Highlights of the last few days include:

Traveling with older sister to nearby town and laughing so hard, we had to stop the truck in order to prevent highway tragedy.

Son taking his first good header off of his bike and putting his teeth through his lower lip. He says his tooth hurts so bad he can only "eat drinks".

Playing dominoes with two very drunk men and suspecting one of them of extremely obnoxious flatulence which was probably the product of one of my nephews.

Fog

Watching older sister and my mom circle each other, teeth millimeters from gnashing.

Wondering and then remembering why it is we don't live closer to each other. I would love to live closer to her but then I'd have to adapt to a faster way of life. And these stolen weeks wouldn't produce the same bonding affect.

K, it's really late.... Gotta go.

Sunday Morning Ruminations

Last night, my older sister, my younger sister, myself and a few friends went out. Older sister and I partook in a few shots of Te-kill-ya and we had fun. Up until feelings got hurt, harsh words were exchanged, and tears made their appearance. Lil' sister and I had a little fall out, but we recovered quickly and the whole thing was over and done within 30 minutes. 20 of it was spent with her sitting outside, waiting for me to come and talk to her and me sitting inside wanting to go but deciding to let her "cool off" for a few. It was dumb and foolish. And the only solid thing that came out of it was the fact that we could talk it out and get over it as quickly as we did. Used to be it would take us three or four days to speak to each other again, circling around each other like a couple of wolves over carrion. So, that's nice. It must mean that we are growing up?

My mother is going certifiably nucking futs. She is getting all paranoid about my dad, Merce and myself "reading her email and lifting her credit card numbers off of her internet orders". Whatever. I'm pissed about it and still debating as to whether or not I will say anything about it. I know I should, just to get it off of my chest. But on the other hand, if I do say anything and she is REALLY getting a little out of her mind, would it make things worse? She'll probably deny it and everything to do with it. I know what it is and it's her, worrying that I'm getting on there reading her emails about things that old women shouldn't really be looking at, in her estimation and she's feeling guilty and squirrelly about it. Like I don't have enough to do in my day to day life, I have to get into her email to get my kicks, looking at the various porn sites she subscribes to. Whatever.

That's all for now. I've got to go get the kid some coffee and scrounge up something for breakfast. Probably leftover mac & cheese or toast or something.

And we finally have a sunny Saturday, folks!

Yesterday was madness. It just never ended. The phones, the work. At a quarter after five, I was back in the office re-addressing a packet to send out. It was for my friend that broke his neck, so I wasn't minding too much.

He got lucky. One vertebrae away from paralyzing him. He didn't have to have surgery because it was a clean break, straight across. And when he went in for x-rays, it was setting there, all lined up and so they opted for no surgery. Nor for a halo, which we all thought for sure we'd get some fun out of. Not out of meanness, just being pure onery. But no, they put him just in a neck brace and sent him home. God, it was good to hear from him. I wished him a happy late birthday and told him 5 or 6 times to call me. It was so good to finally talk to him, I almost cried afterward.

At the moment, I am getting my ass chewed for giving my son coffee. By someone who has no kids, but whose older sister is a pediatrician so he thinks he knows it all. My Dr. told me to go ahead with the coffee when we discovered by chance how much it helped his allergies. So he always nags at me about the caffeine and I politely tell him to mind his own fucking business and it's my kid and it hasn't killed any of us to have had it as kids. But for some reason, he always forgets and acts surprised and disapproving every time he hears that I am giving Ty coffee. Whatever.

I didn't go to the funeral. And as per usual, my conscience is biting me in the ass. I figure one of these nights, Merce and I will go and have our own ceremony at the cemetery, paying our own last respects. He was fond o' a wee bit of whiskey, so we shall get all tipsy and go celebrate his life at his grave site. He was actually o'erly fond of the whiskey, so it seems fitting to pay tribute to him thattaway.

Guess that's pretty much all that's floating around in my head right at the moment. Probably blog again today. We'll see.

A Celebration of Life and Other Things That Cross My Mind at Six in the Morning

I am posting first thing in the morning with stiff fingers and sleepy eyes. I am definitely not one of those people that jumps out of bed with wide grin and bounding enthusiasm for the day. It's more like I roll / fall off of the edge of the bed, whimpering and feeling my way to the bathroom, mumbling confusedly about not wanting to get up and why is it morning already? It takes me about an hour to feel normal.

The boy has caught my cold and coughs and coughs throughout the dark hours. Poor little guy. I sit and rub his back and offer up drinks of water to help. I gave him some cough medicine last night to help, which it didn't. It's a cough suppressant, which I really don't like. But his doctor has convinced me to go ahead and give them a cough suppressant at night, so that they may sleep. I've still got my cough from this crap and it's been almost 3(?) maybe 4 weeks since the fevers for me. He's got a rough road in front of him.

I'm supposed to go to a funeral today. I told the deceased man's wife that I would. I'm thinking I might not. I've just got so much sadness in me at the moment, but it's a private feeling for me. I don't want to be at a funeral, excuse me, a "celebration of life" when the dam breaks. And believe me, break it will. Mortifying me into my own "celebration of life". And I have the ranch's Thanksgiving Dinner to go to right afterward and... I don't know. I might end up going after all. No one can say my mama and daddy didn't teach me no manners nor respect for dead folks. I hate to not say goodbye, but at the moment I can't bear TO say goodbye. We'll see how the day turns out.

Yesterday was the neighbor "D" - his birthday. He and I sat at Merce's consuming our weight in beer while laughing about Merce having to be at a parent - teacher conference. And watching the children go from placid, yawning and bored while Merce was there, to complete and utter heathens the moment she walked out the door. I was yelling and threatening to no avail. They know that they can walk up and love me and all will be forgiven. Monsters. No wonder they all act so rotten around me. They know I'll cave at some point. Merce won't. She's the QUEEN when it comes to being a hardass. Must go now, have to hop (more like sidle over the tub edge) in to the shower.

Gone To Hell in A Handbasket

Today and most of yesterday, I have been home with the kid. He puked yesterday morning at the babysitters and then started running temps all afternoon. From midnight to about 4:30 this morning, he was runnin' at 102 degrees. Poor kid. I think it was the tylen0l I gave him on an empty stomach that made him sick. That and two other kids ROPING HIM AROUND THE NECK. Yes, I take my baby daily to a place where he runs risk of being roped around the neck by other children. Isn't that wonderful?

Also, it seems everyone KNOWS that little sister and I are struggling and so the whole goddamned thing has gone to hell in a handbasket. People are calling left and right, fax machines have taken on minds of their own and the phones are down up in the northern section of the ranch. Let's add the "big wigs" coming from Idaho on top of the office manager's sick kid and what d ya' get? A huge fucking mess. I'll be surprised if I make it out of this fucking month alive.

What a day

Goodness. Little sister's first day of full-time on the job in the old job that I had. So I went and tried to help her through some of it. She knew most of the things I was trying to remember and ended up walking me through it. The phone didn't stop for more than 5 minutes at a stretch and by the time it quit ringing, it was lunchtime. Then I went back to the office to play catch up with all of the things I do in my normal job. Fun. And this will go on for a while because the other gal that is in there with Merce will be out for a month, at the least. She broke her left leg - a spiral fracture, to boot - and in two other spots on that leg. Then she badly sprained her right ankle. She'll have surgery on the fracture to put pins in sometime this week.

Then the man that suffered a major heart attack died this morning. He was one of the town drunks and I've heard that he treated his step-daughters like shit, but he always had a nice word for me and I harbored no ill will towards him. It's always tragic when someone dies, I think. It reminds me of my own mortality I suppose, and that's tragic to me. That I, too, will die someday. And that the people I would die for will also die someday. Some sooner than others and that hurts me to think of. I send my thoughts and prayers to his family. They will need it.

Tomorrow is my nephew's tenth birthday. My god, it goes fast. I remember the night that Merce went into labor. She called me because I was stuck in Susanville and she was in Nevada. And I cried into the phone, wanting to be with her so much that I couldn't even speak, just cry. And I could hear her crying and saying how much she wanted me there. I hurt for her so much and get teary eyed, just thinking about it. Out of it came my nephew and he was so little and cute. Now he sits in the front seat while we are going to town and pretend fights while I try to remember how cute and cuddly he used to be. How he used to get the little purple triangle between his eyebrows when he cried really hard. Now that he lives 3 doors down, he likes to spend the night at my house quite a bit because he likes to pretend Ty is his little brother. So in honor of his birthday:

Ten Things I Love About J, My Nephew
1: The way he makes me laugh
2: His easy affection
3: His tender heart
4: How he treats babies
5: His pretend fighting although sometimes it drives me up the wall, it's still cute
6: How he likes to pretend that Ty is his little brother
7: That he is afraid of the dark and afraid to sleep alone
8: His laugh, especially when he laughs really hard
9: How he can remember and quote movies and SpongeBob
10: That little triangle...and how he sends me anonymous love letters, not understanding how I can always know that it's him (hint: the handwriting gives it away!)

Happy one day early birthday, J. I love you so much.

"Well I'm a fool, a fool for you (It may take awhile, but I'll prove it's true Well if It's lovin' you want, then I've got it If It's money you want, then I'll get it I'll buy you tall, tall trees On all the waters and the seas I'm a fool, fool, fool for you Yeah, I'm a fool, fool, fool for you!"
- Alan Jackson, Tall Tall Trees

Forecast is For An Eeyore Kind of Day

So, I didn't get totally shitty. I was moderately inebriated by the time I arrived home. Full of sorrow, I cried myself to sleep. One of my close friends was in a wreck the other evening. And last night, I was told that he had broken his neck. They will do surgery in a couple of days and he'll probably never ride another horse again. I am breathless and heartbroke over his losing his lifestyle in a matter of seconds. The thing about these cowboys is, being on the back of a horse, it's like breathing to them. And to take that away, it kills something inside of them. I've watched my dad go through it. He can't ride as often as he would like. Between the job he has now and all of the various breaks and aches, it hurts him pretty bad. It's like watching the sun go down on the most glorious day you've ever had. And I am hurting so much for my friend, only to find out that he is back with his ex-wife and she isn't the most encouraging of females. Neither to him (she's really rather BAD for him and TO him, actually) nor for fostering female friendship with her husband. Just another page in my tear soaked drama. Today is going to be a bad day, so will this week, with the not knowing how he is or how to get in touch with him. The only thing I can do is pray for him and hope that he knows I care. He helped me so much when I was going through some pretty hard stuff and I will never forget that. Jealous ex-wife/girlfriend be damned. I'll find some way to let him know. After all, I am the office manager at his place of employment.

Saturday Night Revelry

Tonight I am going out to drink a lot of beer and participate in our own small town brand of revelry, which is basically get shit faced,sing at the top of our lungs (WHERE did that saying come from??) and play pool and watch every one else play pool, which is more my style than to actually participate because I am a terrible pool player, especially when everyone is watching. Wow. And tomorrow, I will go and help one of my closest friends move and I will regret this decision IMMENSELY. I will probably regret it before the night is through, seeing as how I am lonely and THE NEIGHBOR -D- will be joining us.... da da daaaaa. Nah, I will behave myself and practice my 'aloof' manner. Impartial to the D spell I will be. Hopefully. Crossing my fingers.

So, the day was a bust. I did not exercise, nor did I do laundry, clean the house OR vacuum. All of the things I was going to do today. Yes, I know. Good intentions pave the way to hell. I will try to exercise first thing in the am, seeing as how it helps me sweat out all of my hangover and throw some laundry in before we go to wash out the horse trailer that will be our version of the U-H@UL moving van. And it is supposed to rain. Curse my kind heart and my inability to say no. Isn't this how I ended up married, divorced, mother to a child off of a married man, and president of a board that I really don't want to be president of? You'd think someday I would learn....

Postcards from the Edge

There is this site that puts up these postcards. People send in a homemade postcard and write their secrets on them. They are all anonymous and most are so tragic and heart wrenching. There was one on there when I first found the site. It was a picture of an ultrasound done on a baby. On the front, it said "She's not mine" and on the back it said "I love her anyway". My god. I bawled. One person wrote in and talked of 100% true love. No kidding. Not to mention courage and faith and kindness and heart. It took my breath away. And still does when I picture it in my head. This site is http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. An incredible site. It is updated Sundays and first thing Monday morning, I'm looking for it.

What a week. The teenager came to stay for a trial run. Her mom had an out-of-town meeting to go to. I love the girl, I do. But I am glad to have my space again. She's a good girl and I do so enjoy her. It just takes some getting used to, having someone else in your space. Next week, we go to full weeks.

The old saying bad things happen in 3's? Well, yeah they do. I am a full believer of it. First, one of the people here in town had a major heart attack. Just keeled over during jury duty. Second, the guy that had been trying to make me his girlfriend this summer flipped his car. Due to heavy fog, roadside mud and his drinking. Actually, his drinking was (is) one of the reasons why I never succumbed to his charms. And third, my neighbor and one of my closest friends slipped on her stairs (again with the fog from the night before) and broke her leg and screwed up her other ankle. Poor girl. Loves ya' N! Heal up soon.

Superstition.... I am superstitious. Blame it on my Irish/Scottish genes or my adoration of all things mystic and magical. I veer away from black cats, I throw spilt salt over my shoulder, I don't walk underneath ladders. There are about 100 others but when I try to think of them, my mind draws a blank.

Blogger is now a banned site at work. That is the reason there have been so few posts this week. Maybe I'll start blogging in the mornin' or at night when I am home. We'll see how it works out. I am so bad about sticking with things, I am realizing. Nice. I'm almost 29 and I can't keep up a blog for more than a month.

Work is the same. Little sis is going to an office job starting Monday. So she's happy about that, or not. Actually, she is a little frightened about being in there by her lonesome. N, the neighbor, works in there as well and has been teaching M all about it. Now with N at home, M will have to go in and learn on her own. Not really, several people will help her, myself included, seeing as how it was my job before the current one. She'll be fine. She'll just need to remember to ask questions. Who, where, when? As long as they give you detailed instructions about what to order, you'll be fine. Just remember to ask them questions, like what IS that and is there anything I need to know? Thickness, length, how many, where do I order it? When does it need to be here? RK will learn ya' about the PO's. I can't remember. The book is helpful, too.

That's pretty much all I have. Since October of last year, I have lost 22 pounds. Yay me. It definitely could have been much more, had I been trying all this time instead of the starts and stops, but hey, whatever. It will be more. Probably close to 28 pounds by the end of this year. I'm sure there is more floating around in my brain. Like the book I am reading. I started the Diana Gabaldon series over again. The Outlander Series. And I'm maybe 60 pages into Outlander and already, it is sucking me in. Lord, how I so love those books. Started them over so that I could read the new one "A Breath of Snow and Ashes" with it all still fresh in my mind. Thank goodness it finally came out, I've been waiting FOREVER. Later.

Some days I long for sunny winters

Today, I am at home. The babysitter's kids are sick, so M and myself are trading off babysitting. Me-in the morning. Her-in the afternoon. Naturally, she stays at home during naptime. I seem to remember that she got the majority of the naps before, when we didn't have a babysitter for a month. Hmmm... Sneaky girl. Of course, she could just go in the afternoon where she would only work for 3 hours or so and it's warmer. But really she has to be there in the morning because that's the busiest time and I get to sleep in:))

We got our first good snow, Monday. 3"-4". Six inches in some spots. The kids can hardly stand to stay in. This morning, it's a crisp, ohh, 26 degrees? My son is convinced that if he isn't out there RIGHT THIS MINUTE, the snow will melt and he will have missed all the fun. He is also trying to convince me that his little cousin, who has only sneakers to wear, needs to join him outside in the white wilderness that is our front lawn.

It was a thick, wet snow. I wish I had taken pictures before it started melting off. I love those heavy snows that blanket everything. At sunrise, the world looks a magical place. But now, it's all melty and dirt encrusted. Although, not as bad as the city snow is. That's just gross. Rural snow stays fairly white when compared to snow that lies about in the city. Of course, it also hides mud puddles that you sink to your knees in (just ask one of my fellow employees that nonchalantly tried to cross one). And it hangs around forever, being slushy and wet and sopping children who are foolish enough to try and make snow angels in it.

My mom and I were talking yesterday. Christmas is just six weeks away. Ack!! Where did the time go? Seems almost like we were coming down to the last of our spring, complete with snow one day and summer the next. Summer was.... 46 seconds long? And now here we are again, back into snowy weather and carrying chains in the trunk of your car. Although, if you are smart like me, you don't take the chains out, you just stack groceries around them because if you are foolish enough to take them OUT, they will disappear and, geez, why don't you just throw $60 out the window, on the freeway, cruising at 80 mph?

Some days I LONG for the sunny winters of Arizona. But the thought of their big, scary-ass bugs quickly quashes any desire for sun in December. And really, is Christmas without snow still Christmas? I know it is because we've had some without snow, but still the weather is cool and crisp and that's just part of the holiday for me. And by New Years, we've usually had some snow. 'Tis the season.

On a different note. The teenager started her stay last night. This week, she'll be here 3 nights and then after this weekend, we go to full work weeks. My son was WOUND up for 2 hours after she got here. Which means he didn't sleep until close to 10. Hopefully that wears off quickly. Could drive me insane(r).

Off to surf the net, I go. I might exercise in a while. The last time I did, I almost keeled over from oxygen requirements. This cold is trying to settle in my chest which will, in turn, give me hellacious bronchitis for the next 8 weeks. Oh joy. Later...

Finally have the pics....

Back, left to right: Alyssa (niece as a witch), JR (nephew as Yugi), Ty (my heart & soul as a pumpkin) and Becca (niece as a puppy)

They are sooo cute in pics. Cuz they are quiet and not mouthing off! Or fighting. Or crying. Or screaming. Or tattling. Or hanging all over me or their mom. i love them all, I really do.

100% Cotton

The only thing in my head is wispy threads of pulled apart cotton balls. I'm still ill and spent 4 of the 8 hours in bed coughing until vomiting almost occurred. That croupy, swollen-throat cough of merriment. I'm sure the neighbor was wondering if I was harboring a seal, which I always thought was a cute animal. The lying on their backs, soaking up the sun. So cute. Until I read this story yesterday about a woman who tried to rescue a seal and get it back into the ocean. It bit off her nose. Grateful little shit. He probably was thing WTF? I'm soaking up sun, lady, leave me the fuck alone.

Speaking of the neighbor, I've been going to post on this before but lost the train of thought or chickened out or something. There is a lot to be said about him and writing is always my way of working something out, so prepare yourself, buckle your seatbelt and watch me unwind. Please realize that I am sick and on medication... This could be ugly and it could borderline on absolutely ridiculous. What I'm doing is trying to talk myself out of sleeping with him because I am lonely and sexually starved. 3 months is by no means the longest I've gone without, but everyone around me is finding someone to dance with and I'm sitting on the sidelines. Not the first time, like I said, but the first time I've had somewhere to bitch about it, well besides to my ever loving sister who I'm sure is ready to tell me shut the fuck up and be a big girl.

The neighbor, whom I'll label "D" is someone that has put me through hell and back and forth and back to hell in the last couple of years. He was my brother's best friend, back when my brother worked here. He moved here, just coming out of a bad marriage and I respected that and kept my distance. When I moved, him and my brother moved the majority of my furniture for me and that night, we had a little house warming party. Most of my male friends showed up and he was jealous, so he started to stake his claim. I should have run the fucking other way. I should have. What followed boggles me, because I am by no means a shrinking violet and when I feel like someone is pulling more shit than they are worth, I will definitely put a quick stop to it. With D, however, something in him compelled me to keep holding on. I think maybe it is because he is not only one of my brother's best friends, and now my sister's boss, but he just fits. Sometimes. Most of the time. My son A D O R E S him. And that's hard. But he's a drunk. And he is afraid. And he has been hurt. And he likes being single and being able to run around. We've all been hurt and we're all afraid. Do I want to be with him? IF he would not get drunk so much. IF he would be the same person when he is drunk as he is when he is sober. The sober D, I'd take him in a heartbeat. It's the drunk one that fucks me over. It's the drunk one that convinces himself that he doesn't really care and so he treats me like shit. Of course, it's the drunk one that I used to have the most interaction with. I see him more now when he is sober than I used to. And he's such a good guy. He really is. But if I sleep with him, the feelings will come back and I am afraid that I will be his doormat again, until the next time that he hurts me SO badly that I cannot forgive him. Which will happen, I know that it will. I just can't enter into this again on these same terms. I can't and I won't. I will be a lonely and sad spinster until some innocent making out makes me feel like a sexy bitch again and I'll take it from there. But I WILL NOT SUBJECT MYSELF TO THE D SPELL AGAIN!! I won't. I'll be his friend. His bar buddy. The other half of the left out 4 of us so that little sister can get laid, again. And at the end of the night, I will cheerfully go on my way, without him. The only comfort in my cold bed being that he is now kicking himself for fucking it all up so badly that I won't even let him in my bedroom door.

Or I'll trip and fall and end up in bed with him, hating myself for my weak flesh. And that small spot of hope that my heart harbors for him will bloom again. Only this time, I will quickly extinguish it with the tip of my cigarette because god knows, the situation that it takes to make that hope go away hurts so much worse than a mere, self-induced flesh wound.

Either way, he will not get to me again. Maybe for a moment. But not for much longer than that.

All Clogged Up

I am sick. Sick. Sick. My head weighs 58 pounds and 56 pounds of that is snot. My body aches and I am feverish, off and on. Let's give a great big welcome to COLD AND FLU SEASON!!! Yay! I have missed you so much.

It snowed today. I stayed home and had a helluva time keeping the boy in the house. At 2, I finally managed to convince him to stay in (by calling Santa) so that his coat and gloves could dry out, not to mention the soaked through cowboy boots. Why is it that every time I think about buying snowboots for him I am sidetracked? He really needs them and I will further increase my debt by buying him a pair this year.

Yesterday, he tried out the smock and became barber at the daycare. Yes, he cut 3 little girls' hair, one of them his cousin. One of them, he shore almost down to the scalp. Naturally, it would be the little girl that has never had a hair cut. His cousin's is noticeable, but only if you are looking hard. She has crazy, riotous curly hair that I adore. It's hard to brush, but not so much anymore, at least not in the front...tee hee. I know, it's not funny. Especially when it's your own kid getting shorn. I would hope that I would be able to laugh at it, though. Because it's not like permanent damage or anything. Life is way too short to grumble about such small things, especially when the shorn child itself hasn't a care about it.

Ah, well. That's all I've got for now. Mucous is clouding my thought formation. I've already had to go back and make corrections cuz i's so bad at the grammar! Not usually, hopefully it is just that I just suck at forming coherent thoughts when I'm not well.