Who woulda thunk it???

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

you know what they say

Blah. I am whipped. Merce came and watched me do 2/3's of my 3 mile WATP. Then I waxed her eyebrows, which I think is fair play after she sat and snickered not only at the always cheerful Leslie Sansone, but at yours truly. I tried to goad her into exercising with me, but she was stalwart in her refusal. I think, really, she was afraid of looking just as stupid as her older sister, trouncing about, lifting weights along with knees, huffing and puffing, bitching the whole way.

By the way, Rose, I SOO much more prefer my bike and I am in love with my every other day after work bike rides, but I'm still suffering 'saddle ass' whenever I ride for more than 15 minutes at a time. Seriously, with the padded seat and all, my ass is afire when I gracefully fall off the side of my bike, using the side of the house to cling to. Some people's butts just weren't meant for bike riding, I think. That or I need to quit being such a friggin' wimp and just go. Anyways it's fun, but my heart rate never really gets all that high. A consequence of having to stop and wait for the kid every five minutes. Sometimes, that raises the ol' heart beat, but probably not in a healthy way.

Then, I sat and overloaded on carbs for dinner, so I am sitting here feeling like I might vomit. And it's getting ready to s.n.o.w. I don't dare say it aloud for fear that we'll wake up tomorrow with a foot of the fucking stuff.

Currently listening to SpongeBob, wondering if this will be the cadence of my life, forever. You never know. Tomorrow, I could win $150 million and my whole life could change. Or I could lose a leg (God, I'm just saying... please don't take that as a request!) and again, my life would be so incredibly alien to what I am living now. Why is it that what you have, who you are, right now, in this moment is so easy to take for granted? I know that there have been plenty of moments when I would have given a leg for the sheer comfort of this routine. The after bath Baby Magic lingering on my hands, the kid watching SpongeBob and regaling me with tales of his day - over the back of the couch, while I try to remember to GENTLY remind him to not "sit on the couch that way!!". And I know that there are plenty of people out there who would give much more than their leg to live this way. To have food in my belly, a roof over my head, the boy lovingly making me laugh and the cozy comfort that comes from hearing the wind roaring away outside, lolling about all safe and warm inside. In front of my computer, feeding my quickly tiring addiction to the internet and blogs. And, yet, some days, I just want MORE. Not that I could (nor would I particularly WANT) to fit more in. Ah, well, you know what they say, the grass is always greener... right over the septic tank.

Rambling on

God, a week. I am so pathetic. I DID actually sit here, Saturday evening, fingers poised, however nothing was forthcoming.

Life is rambling along. The grass is turning green (already???!!). Spring winds bring about spring clouds. The winds kick up my allergies and I turn into a floating head. I literally FEEL like a floating head, although, nothing in particular FLOATS around in aforementioned over-sized noggin.

I am once again broke, due to the paying of doctor bills and once I get into the mode of paying off debt, I always tend to go overboard and end up screwing myself. My little cushion of a few hundred dollars is gone, just because I wanted to pay the doctor bills off sooner. *sigh* They charge $5 / month that they have to carry you. What the hell is fucking $25 in the long run? Dammit all to hell.

We are talking barbecue this weekend. We'll see. So far, it looks like it might snow or rain or both. But we'll see.

Last weekend, Merce was propositioned by a cop. An off duty one, but still. Weird. She wasn't the only one. He asked me if I wanted him to "cuff and stuff" me and in which order. I was slightly (ok, REALLY) disgusted. I like him, I do and I'll hang out and have a few drinks with him and laugh at his wit, but when it comes to him trying to play grab-ass with me, I get a little disturbed. Not to mention, he's old enough to be my father. If he was younger, that'd be a whole different feeling!! I am, after all, human.

The boy is starting his whole fear of fire thing again. Tonight, he huddled close to my side on the couch, watching TV. Whimpering because we were watching Big Love and the dude's security alarm went off because of the horse in the back yard. I sigh and piss and moan, but he's scared. And as irrational as that fear might be, in my eyes, I must try to remember that to him, a little boy all of four years old, it's real and it's scary. I will have to work on that. I do let him cuddle with me, not so much to reassure him that he's ok, but to have the cuddle time with him. God knows 99% of the time, I feel him growing away from me at an almost physical level, anymore.

I think I'm going to go hop in the tub, shave my legs that are beginning to resemble Dale's (the hairy neighbor) and go to bed early. I did 3 miles today (walking and weights) and it wiped me out. My goal is 12 miles for the week. I don't think I am going to make it, but I'll give it a go.

And I will try to think of something deep and thought provoking before another seven days pass!!!

That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

I am so much loving my bike. Yes, I got a bike with my tax refund and I LOVE it. I love the wind pushing past me and freezing my cheeks and fingers. I love being able to ride along the boy who is peddling so furiously, sharing the feeling. I love watching him try to race us and beat us all. I love riding alongside Merce and watching Becca in her little trailer. She gets as much of a kick out of coasting along. And Merce keeps me constantly laughing, so it's also ab work. Two fer one. Anyway, I've been trying to ride my bike more, but the fucking snow keeps coming back. The spring weather will taunt us for a day. And then the next day, freezing temps and snow and I am so sick of it. Almost as sick as you are of hearing about it, I'm sure.

Scary moment: Yesterday, I told Ty to wear his helmet, he wouldn't, Merce's kids weren't and it was getting colder and windier and fuck it, just go slow dammit! Anyway, I had gone back for him and was taking my own sweet time coasting back to even with Merce. Ty raced up ahead to race with Jr. and I was keeping my mama eagle eye on him. I looked back at Alyssa, she was saying something, and as I looked back up, I watched my son go over his handle bars. Head first onto asphalt. My god. I almost killed myself getting to him and I had convinced myself that he had, at the very least, broke his nose. I sucked in my breath and reached for him, he looked up at me, with blood on his lips. One little spot on his lower lip and one minute spot on his upper lip. That's it. I said a quick prayer of thanks to his guardian angels for catching him while I snuggled his (whole) head into my body for my own comfort. I'm still amazed that the asphalt didn't eat his face and head up.

Work is work. Looking a little bit shabby, but it's work. Clint came in today and said he was going to have to come in and clean it up a bit. I think he's probably come to the realization that I don't give a shit if there is dirt on the bathroom floor. I'll clean it once a month or so, because really, no one sees it except for myself. And, to tell the truth, I really don't care all that much. You need only see my house to understand that I really am a slob. Although, to defend myself, it does get cleaned up at least once a week. Monday through Friday, it's a pigsty.

I miss Clint being at work with me. At first, it was uncomfortable and uneasy because not only am I not used to having someone in there with me at all times, but because of our own, personal history. However, our friendship grew and I know this because the man actually came and asked if he could borrow my vacuum cleaner last night. If you knew him and his aversion to having to depend on anyone but himself and his complete refusal to actually ASK anyone for help, you'd be amazed as well. I'm going to have to try to get him to come and hang out one night, just so we can catch up on gossip. He always has some insightful and often times, truly hilarious opinions on stuff.

This last weekend, we kicked off our bonfire season. Of course, there was only 5 of us there. But we kicked it off and now, we'll spend many a night out on the desert or up at the campgrounds with music blaring, alcohol flowing, gathered round a bright fire. Sounds rather Dazed and Confused, doesn't it? Oh well, someday, I WILL grow up, I promise, I will.

P.S. that's when I first fell in love with Matthew McConaughey - Dazed and Confused. I always was a sucker for the jailbait seekers.

merry sunshine

So, I talked with the Dr. about all of these 'womanly' issues I am having. Faint of heart, look away, I say. I went in on March 9 and did the colpo, well it came back high risk, which my normal ob/gyn told me that if I hadn't come in for my check-up and just blew the whole thing off, more than likely would have turned into cervical cancer within the next 2 years. So, on April 17th I am going in for a LEEP procedure. Oh wonderful day that will be. I am not really as scared as I come off. She told me that she has had several patients who say the LEEP is not as bad as a colpo and for me, the colpo was cake. In fact, I think I'd rather have a colpo than my period. My periods are painful terrible, long, drawn out adventures. That is, when they actually COME. They are sporradic, at best, and it's a guessing game as to when they will actually arrive. The doctor wants to do the LEEP right after my period ends, so we tentavely scheduled the 17th of April when it could just as easily be the 7th or the 30th. *sigh* I love being a woman.

Good joke last night:
I have no problem with men marrying men, women marrying women, and women having abortions. BECAUSE within the next few generations, the democrats will be wiped out.
Author's disclaimer: I really don't have anything against democrat, I am, however, a staunch republican, and it's an age old battle betwixt the two...

Local deputy joined our table last evening and proceeded to get smashed. he told us that joke, and I was surprised to hear all of his little quips throughout the evening. He can hang with us big dogs, that's for sure and he made us drink Kamikazee's. Blech. I swear I tasted gin in it. But maybe not. Awful tasting things, though, and I LOVE limes. Anyway, he's human after all, and a really funny one at that, for being a cop.

Today is the start of spring cleaning for me. I started at the office, but the other night, I ate a couple of pieces of a sampler that sat on top of the pizza oven for a couple of hours over the recommended time alloted for reheating and I was not a well person on Thursday. I wanted to puke but couldn't and it just sat there, making me miserable all day long. Top it off with a 4 year old who has cabin fever; one long day.

But I'm better now, my house needs cleaned. I'm starting with the boy's room. I was hoping to get to a town today because he needs a nightlight in there. The other night, he decided that he was going to sleep in his room because Momma bought him some new cowboy bedding and he was so excited to try it out. I tucked him in and laid down to chat with him for a few minutes and he said to me in a little quavering voice "It's ok mama, I'm a brave boy. You can go now." I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up a little over it. And a few minutes later, laying in my bed, reading "Mama, I'm scared" in a tiny voice, trying not to stir all that scares him. So, he came back to bed with me and there he remains until I move around the furniture in his room so he can look from his bed to mine and rest assured that mama will save him from big hairy spiders, fires and any monsters coexisting underneath his bed. I'm also going to put up small white Christmas lights around his ceiling so that it's all soft and magical. Hopefully that will soothe him enough to sleep. My heart was breaking for him when he called out because I knew that he was embarrassed for having to call for mama and that he put it off as long as he could, my little angel. He is so wanting to be a 'big boy'. And his independence grows every day.

I was thinking, that night, after being so sweetly reassured by my 4 year old, that the learning for a parent never ends. First, you are learning to deal with a little one, constantly demanding your time, energy, your life's BLOOD. You are learning to handle their dependance on you. And then once they start hitting their feet, it's learning to let go. And you are learning just how much rope they need, all their lives long, until the rope is then again, pulled tight and you are pulled back together, only to be learning how to deal with your own growing dependence on THEM. Kind of a depressing thought, really.

So, with that Merry Sunshine thought, I think I'll go and start my cleaning, before I'm too goddamned old and have to rely on him to clean my house!!! haha

It seems all I have to bitch about these days is the weather... Another 3 or so inches. Yuck.

The first 3 or 4 snow falls are charming and make you feel all winter-ish and like a kid. After the 15th or 16th, you are ready to climb the fucking walls, throw your hands in the air and move to a climate where the bugs are something to be reckoned with.

My aunt lives down by Phoenix AZ and she is always after us to come down and visit. I, however, am seriously hesitant to go some place that 9 times out of 10, when a bug hits the floor, IT MAKES NOISE. Oh, the horror. I'm not a bug person (crickets CREEP me out to the point of jumping around on the couch, hysterically screaming, ala Tom Cruise style. Although, what spews from deep within is quite the opposite of what Mr. Cruise was supposedly feeling. And the whole thing with Katie Holmes? Seriously disturbing.) Anywhoo, the tales of tarantulas running rampant and of rattlesnakes wallowing in swimming pools makes me somewhat frightened to willingly subject myself to such sources of immense anxiety.

I am thinking, however, of taking off for a few days. Merce and I are close, very close. And we spend a lot of time together. When every little thing starts to turn into an irritation betwixt us, I know that we need to spend some time apart, spend some time away from each other to realize that the little things shouldn't matter so much. No, I'm not mad at you, Murph. It's that same old thing. If we don't spend some time missing each other, we're going to end up fighting and having to deal with all of the subsequent guilt that goes along with it. And as much as they say fighting is healthy and helpful in a relationship, ours always turn into such ugly scenes that I don't think they are helpful in any way, shape or form. Besides, the heart supposedly grows fonder during and after an absence, correct? That can't hurt. It just feels like everything is pressing me to the ground and I need some time to myself (with Tottler in tow, I suppose) to take a breather. And I know that she gets irritated at me for poking my nose into her business, even when it's her best interests I am fretting over. I know that the fact that I cannot provide my ready acceptance of her and S is a bone of contention between us. And I know that it's none of my business. I know that I need to set back and let her do what she is going to do and the fact that I can't is starting to wear on our relationship. So I will take myself and Tottler away for 3-4 days and hopefully, crisis will be averted. BTW, I HATE the snippiness that we've had with each other the last few days. I hate the fact that you feel defensive when I say something innocent and I hate that I feel like I am constantly fucking stuff up and weary of defending myself. It's ok, though. I'm sure that by the time I come back from wherever I take myself, it will all be ok, hopefully. I hate to fight as much as you do and when it's with you, it's devastating to me.

Last night, I watched Titanic. I hadn't watched it in years and I had forgotten how freakin' sad that movie was. I bawled, naturally, it seems these days I am a virtual faucet. The part that gets to me the worst, (believe it or not, it's not the part where Jack is telling Rose to not say goodbye and that he loves her blah, blah, blah. In reality, he'd be telling her "Bitch, you're up on the headboard, quit your dramatics and suck it up. I'm the one in the fucking water!" or he'd be swimming around looking for another headboard or up ON the headboard with her. The fact that he only tried once to get up there has always irritated me) is the mother (Irish in accent) telling her two kids (boy and girl, I believe) the story, in the bed, while the water pours in and right before that, the old man and woman, lying on the bed, spooned together as the water rushes up to the side of the bed. At that point, the tears are rolling. Although that's the only real part that makes me bawl. I am such a sap. If someone cries in front of me, tears well up in my eyes. I will bawl at anything and everything, yet I still have the reputation of being a bitch. *sigh* Then, we started watching Ladder 49. Good thing we turned that off, or I would have been a mess.

I suppose I should go. A friend is coming to have me cut her hair today. I haven't cut her hair in ages and I am hoping that I'll be able to remember just exactly how it was once I get my hands on her. She's pretty easy going though and I think it should be alright. The boy needs a clipping, as well. Might do him at the same time so that I don't have to pick up hair from the floor and off of me two times today. As well as all the laundry and vacuuming and all that because yesterday, I was a sloth and read a whole book. I love weekends. Later.

Oh and P.S. Clint was bailed out of jail and is home, so I will go and have a long chat with him later. He is thinking that he will be serving some time in prison and we need to figure out what to do with him as an employee, whether he is going to come back, how long he thinks he'll be gone, etc. I am happy to see him, but discouraged that the first night home, he was out having a few drinks.

more whining about the weather

I am so sick of winter. Snow, stop, snow, stop. I am very much ready for spring.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and it is supposed to snow again. Wonderful. My dad is telling me to cancel it because it just looks too nasty. I looked at all of the weather cams and weather reports and I think I can handle it. But you never know. While it may say only one inch accumulation, it could end up 12 or it could end up none. You never know. And I do have chains and all. I've never put them on, but I suppose I could figure it out, if need be.

My sister is in need of a new car. My dad told her to bring the idea to me of buying my car while she pays me a huge chunk of money and I go buy myself a new car. I want to. I do. Who doesn't want a new car? I know I certainly do. But, I just paid off my car, using a debt consolidation loan to pay off a bunch of bills. It helps that I am not paying on all of this debt, but the loan payment is still pretty steep. I don't know. I don't think I am going to. And it almost puts me in tears because I know how much she needs it. And really, what is money when it comes to something that is a NEED in a place as rural as this? I don't think I can do it, financially. I'll mess around with my budget some more and give her an answer. I am worried that she thinks I am just being snotty about it or that it will hurt her feelings. She says not to feel pressured, but I do. I know that it would be a wonderful solution to her problem, however, it would create a fairly large one for myself. When I get the chance, I just need to sit down and go carefully over all of my budget. As it is looking, though, with a $200 payment (we all know that isn't going to be a fairly NEW or very dependable rig!), it only leaves me with like $250 for gas, groceries, doctor bills (that are coming up). *sigh*

Ty fell asleep in the car last night at about 5:45, while we were waiting to pick up Merce's son from his friend's house, and he did not wake up until 6:15 this morning. I am still in shock. He woke up bright-eyed and bushy tailed, wanting something to eat and drink. Laughing and loves already having occurred. He's just in a really good mood, which sets the tone for the day, for me. His dad's uncle died last week and I'm wondering if the snake is going to be around for the funeral. Not like he would come here and see us, but still. I wish the man would pull his head out of his ass.

Things are looking up for my friend, the jail bird. I talked to his attorney yesterday and he wants me to find people to write letters in support of Clint. He thinks that his (ex??) wife will even write one and tells me that she isn't pressing any of this at all, that it's the D.A. trying to make an example out of Clint. Well, I believe it. I remember what the D.A. wanted to do to my brother over a DUI. Although it wasn't anything harsher than what I wanted to do to him, but still, I'm family and outsiders don't count. So say a little prayer for the idiot man that may or may not have thrown a TV at his wife. I truly, honestly cannot see him doing something of the sort. I can see him knocking it to the floor but throwing it AT her, meaning to harm her? No, I don't think so. I know that alcohol was involved and that he has some serious issues with alcohol, which I am hearing he is hoping will be corrected by a stint in prison. But his attorney is hoping it won't come to that. Clint really is a good, kind, smart man who deserves the chance to rehabilitate.

Gotta go start my day.

no one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another - Charles Dickens

The trip to the doctor was long and tedious. The weather sucked and my dad fretted and worried enough that Merce and I were convinced we couldn't do it on our own. He took us and we had a grand time. Well, aside from the doctor's appt., but that's another story. He had us laughing, long, loud, and often.

The doctor did another colposcopy. She said, depending on the results of the colpo (see? I've done this enough that I feel comfortable using the 'lingo'), anyway, depending on the results, she's probably going to want to do a biopsy of my uterus. I came out of there bawling. I went in expectation of JUST A CONVERSATION. I left, bleeding and terrified. I'm still somewhat terrified, but I've calmed down, somewhat. My thinking is: If it's cancer, they've caught it fairly early on and hey, everything was normal, last time, so if it's changed, it's still pretty early. AND the results could come back fine, again. Just a result of doing a pap too soon in my menstrual cycle. Keeping my fingers crossed.

In other news: The picture, which I loaded, after the post won't move... It snowed last night. I am so sick of winter. Can't it be spring now? Or something somewhat similar? I can handle the cold nights and breezy, cool days. I am, however, SICK of snow and wet shoes, cold feet, running noses and mud puddles all over my house.

Merce has a man in uniform calling her at night (no, not the illustrious Pepper!). While I am glad for her, it forces the point home that I am alone, still. She bounces from one man to the next while I sit alone on the desert floor, looking in all directions for someone. *Sigh* oh well. Only one pity party allowed a week, woman. Suck it up. Let's top all of our stress and anxiety over our health with PMS, shall we? Let's see how you fair underneath all of THAT emotional bullshit!! Struggling to keep my head above water. managing, but barely.

I am tired, fatigued, really. Despite the 8 hours of sleep I got last night. I think I'm depressed. I've been getting some nasty tension / sinus headaches (thank you, gale force winds that blow dust in my face and into my heating registers!). That adds to the weariness, but I do think that I'm getting depressed. Poor Tyler is living with Sybil and he just rolls with the flow. He knows his mama is crazy and it doesn't seem to bother him all that much. Hah, little do I know. The daycare provider has probably already turned me into child services for being the unstable parent that I am.

Off to the store. Any excuse to drive my car so that I might indulge in the love affair I have become engaged in with my XM Radio. Where I live, we have SHIT for radio stations, so I spent some of my tax refund on that. Subscription was kind of spendy, but oh well. Dad has an XM set up in the office and so I can use that. But I wouldn't have been able to with Sirius. I'm not complaining. I'm in luuuurrrrrve.