About Me

Since I am so original and all, I stole this from a blog that I am going through the archives on;

I AM a mother, a sister, daughter, friend, an aunt, an ex-wife, a lover, joker, midnight smoker.

I WANT to know that I am doing all that I can to make sure Ty grows up to be a solid, mature, responsible individual.

I WISH I had all the answers.

I MISS my Granny, being a kid, being innocent, my older siblings, the feel of my dad's hugs when we were little kids.

I HEAR children's laughter, the Italian singing "This is the night" on Lady and The Tramp, the hum of the fish tank, Boots talking my ear off and thanking me for her Princess costume.

I WONDER what life will be like when Ty is an adult.

I REGRET all the times I kept my mouth shut and didn't stick up for myself when someone made me feel bad.

I REJOICE in the fact that I'm no longer a doormat.

I AM NOT tolerant of ignorance, immaturity in an adult, cruelty or hate.

I DANCE when I hear Run, Runaway by Slade or SexyBack, I DANCE in the kitchen, in my socks so that I can slide and when I DANCE, I shake my hips, A LOT.

I AM NOT ALWAYS on time, nice, patient, happy, confident, loving, or quick.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS bubbles in the boy's hair, the dog wiggle in happiness when I scratch her belly, wild gestures in the air when I am talking on the phone and otherwise.

I WRITE when I can, what I can, when the mood arises and an occasional poem or toast.

I CONFUSE happiness with routine, and "I'm sorry" with sincerity.

I NEED to get out of debt by next year, so that I can sell my car to the girl and get a new vehicle.

I SHOULD stop smoking, sleep more, exercise more, eat less, quit cussing (especially in the vicinity of my too-smart, smart-ass kid).

I START liking someone, only to find some benign, stupid thing (like a butt that is too big) that totally throws me off my game and I lose any attraction, even to those men that I find incredible, otherwise.

I FINISH relationships by pushing people away before they can push ME away and then I mourn the loss of them.

what a grand post for the one year mark!

I've hemmed and hawed and debated over what to write as a late anniversary post. But try as I might, when I feel the need to be creative and have a spark, it just doesn't sprout forth on demand.

Right at the moment, I am half drunk, half high on the endorphins that seep into your system after an intense exercise session. I rode my bike as hard and as fast as the dog could run. And there were many moments she was left in my asphalt dust. She is currently lying under the table praying that she might die soon so that I will not torture her anymore. God knows, I should quit exercising her and start feeding her more human food so that she won't be able to crawl over the fence anymore, the cat killer.

Oh, yes. In the last week, she has acquired the notion that she must protect our household from all things feline and when I open the door to a poor kitty hanging limply from her mouth while she wags herself stupid, it's hard to not freak out. She is so proud of her accomplishment that she is probably wondering why I haven't ordered a parade in her honor. At the very least, a street naming event. The boy is rather horrified by it, as well as myself. But, not a lot I can do. And since they are all wild cats and have a tendency to act like they are ready to rip your eyes out if you make visual contact with them, I tend to not make a big deal out of it. At least she has something to occupy her time? I know, I know. The cat lovers/dog haters out there are aghast at my flipancy with it. I assure you, I love cats as well and I feel badly but there isn't a lot I can do. They have teased her mercilessly, through the screen door and eat her dog food while she is lazing about in the sun. She's reacting normally, although, this IS a recent development. The dog will be 11 years old in December and up until last week, I don't think she has EVER killed another animal.

A whole year blogging. Wow. I am amazed at myself. I didn't think and I still don't think that I could find enough to write about to keep it going. Good thing I like to talk a lot, huh? It transfers itself into blogging, I suppose. I am constantly amazed at these bloggers who have been doing it for eons. Where do they find the subjects?

I survived my first run-in with Pepper's girlfriend. She looks alright, a little pale and a little frailer than she was. But she looks good and her spirits seem OK. It's a lot more than I expected, only a little after a month after living through one of the worst things to ever happen to a person. I will go and visit her this weekend and take her a copy of the toast I wrote for him that we used to toast him on the day of his funeral. She's already heard about it, so I can't hide it and she asked to read it, specifically. I feel a little sheepish. I've never been one to tout my writing un-ability.

I guess I'll include it on my anniversary post. It's a good one and I think he would have liked it.

One Hell Of a Guy

Friends gather round and raise high your glass,

For Pepper, our friend, who so recently passed.

Through the door he would come bursting with laughter and cheer,

Spreading the smiles and joking with everyone near.

Put here with us to protect, guard and serve,

Let us pay him the respect that such a man should deserve.

Let us remember good times; laugh, shake our heads and sigh,

And drink to the memory of one hell of a guy.

-For Pepper- August 22, 2006

Thanks for the memories, Kamikaze King.

~Lori

catching up

In two more days, I will have had this blog for one year! Celebrate with me, it's the longest relationship I have maintained since, forever, outside of family and a few cherished friends.

I've been meaning to post about Grey's Anatomy. Excellent. I see that it beat out CSI in the first match-up. I do not celebrate that because out of all the fucking TV shows that are on, CSI (Las Vegas-style) and Grey's Anatomy are two of my favorites. And I am heart broke that they are up against each other. I want them both to win! Good thing I have Eastern and Western networks! I watch one at 6:00 and the other at 9:00. Thank you, satellite! Anyway, CSI was incredible as well and I went to bed that night, feeling like I had feasted on some kick ass comfort food, sated and ready for sleeping. It was magical.

Fall is officially here. We've been defrosting windows on the car for the last couple of days. I am reluctant to take out my air-conditioner window unit because as soon as I do, the temperature will shoot up into the nineties for a couple of days and the boy and I will stroke out. I am thinking I will go ahead and risk it. If I don't, we run the risk of freezing to death when the wind blows in around the air-conditioner. And folks, the wind that blows here in Eastern Oregon is fucking COLD.

The cows are all being brought back into the feedlot and the incessant bawling is in the air. We have already seen snow once. It didn't stick, but I saw it and the snowflakes were huge.

I think I had better go find something for the boy to eat, he's gnawing on his fingernails and complaining of the bear in his belly. I will think real hard and find a good topic to blog on, someday.

only 4 more days...

I am trying to remain patient and gracious. Only a few more days. I can't hardly wait.

Are you all aware? The season premiere of Grey's Anatomy is on Thursday, September 21st. I am anxiously awaiting my favorite show to return me to the hour long mindless emotional turmoil that I revel in that is known as the 'Viewing Hour' here in the Lorinty Home.

And I'm not the only one.... Heather at Dooce gets all wound up, as well.

and so it begins

In the last three weeks, my son has not only started school, but lost his first tooth. I love this picture. His lumber jack shirt, the beginning of a jack o'lantern smile and his big ears, sticking out to the side. Adorable.

He's wearing his lumber jack flannel because we, seriously, saw snow yesterday. Four days ago, I was sweating and had the air conditioner on. Now we're dusting off the thermostats and running the furnace. When I got up this morning, I went to let the dog out and could see some serious frost blanketing the yard. That time of year. I love it. The hint of coldness on the breeze. The smell of woodsmoke drifting up from town. The cold, clear mornings with skies so blue they almost hurt your eyes. I love it for now. Give me time. I'll get sick of it.

That's about all in the world of me. I am just plodding silently along. In a buoyant mood because of the Prozac, which I'm still of two minds over. I know that it makes me a happier person and more positive and just more fun to be around. But I've never been an advocate for medication of any kind, much less one that will mask your true feelings. Although, surprise, surprise, I can still get angry and I can still cry, so I don't feel as abnormal as I expected to feel. It's just when I get angry or cry, it doesn't come on as easily as it used to and I stop and think about whether it really makes me angry or sad or if it is just a knee-jerk reaction. I go on and on about this like I was put on the Prozac for a real, ongoing sort of problem, which I wasn't. I asked about it for the terrible PMS mood swings and monthly letting loose of the beast that rages within. She told me I could take it all month long, if I should decide or I could just take it right around my period. I noticed such a difference, within myself, though that I decided to give it a go for at least a month and see how it works out. Like I said, I'm enjoying life on this side of the fence. Tomorrow, I might change my mind.

Today, the boy and I were going to go to the city with BzBiff, but decided to stay home. He's catching the first of the five thousand colds before Christmas when a child is exposed to classrooms. And it's just been a long week. Resplendent with nightmares and late nights, otherwise. Besides the fact that I took him to work with me yesterday and really, truly, I cannot be trapped in a vehicle with him today, as the Prozac might not be man enough to hold off against that. Really, I do love him but being trapped in an office for 8 hours with him on Friday and turning around and not only taking him traveling but SHOPPING the next day, might end up with someone getting hurt. At least their feelings being trod upon. And with the current crankiness of a cold coming on, I exaggerate not. Anyway, my point is and I DO have one: I feel badly. For BzBiff, the most fun of traveling partners has always gone with me to my many doctor appointments with nary a hesitation. And here I sit. I should have gone and BzBiff, know that I do feel like a shite-heid. I could have sacrificed peace and gone. Ah well, I will buy you dinner, sometime, K? Hope all was well on your trip.

I'm off to find where the boy and his shadow, also known as 'the dog', here at LorinTy, have taken off to and rummage around for some sort of sustenance. The chicken fried steak of last evening has worn off and I'm HUNGRY.

Take care, all.

Never Forget

I will never forget the horror and tragedy of that day.

Please go and visit this site. Sign the guestbook. Don't forget. Let their loved ones know that we still think of their friends, spouses, sons and daughters. Let them know that while we can't imagine their loss, that they should be reassured that all of our lives were touched, in one way or another, on that day, this day, five years ago.

There is another site I want you all to see: Healing Field. It is amazing and touching and the survivor (victim) stories under responses, well, they are horrifying and make me unable to breathe.

Quite Blessed

I got the call today.

The last biopsy was negative. Thank God. I don't go back until December.

I can't even explain the weight that lifted from my shoulders. I was so sure that it was going to be bad and I was going to have to do the LEEP again. I am sure that getting the phone call the day after Pepper died had something to do with it. I didn't know how much it was weighing me down until she called me and I cried with the sheer relief of knowing that it was ok, this time.

Fall is in the air. Some of the leaves have turned yellow and the mornings contain that almost shiver quality to it. Not quite cold enough to be uncomfortable, but the promise is there. I love it.

I love when the seasons change. It's probably the only change in my life that I welcome. I am such a creature of habit. When change occurs, it usually knocks me for a loop. I don't cope well with it.

Today, my mom drove herself to town. It is on of the only times she has gone by herself in the five years that we have lived here. She said that she needs to start doing these things herself. I think she is right. She has been having a really hard time of it. She feels trapped, not only by the fact that she has such a hard time with the house, but trapped by the constant pain that she is in. I try hard to be patient and understanding with her. But it doesn't always work and I get frustrated easily by her defeatist attitude. She has such a hard time of it, but she refuses any suggestions anyone makes. Anymore, it feels like no one can make her happy or help her. Mostly because she refuses to do it for herself. Sometimes, I feel like she doesn't want to be happy. That she feels like she is only heard when she is sick or unhappy. I feel bad for her. But really, I can't make her happy if she refuses to let herself be. Anymore, she does just that - refuses to be happy. I don't think I've heard her laugh her deep, down belly laugh in probably 3 or 4 years. That breaks my heart. I remember the woman that would sit with us girls and get slightly hysterical at the slightest suggestion. I miss that woman. The one that has replaced her will always have my utmost respect and my love. She will always know my secrets and the scent of my tears, but it's getting harder and harder to find the woman we all love in her.

Sorry. It was a happy post. I am really in a very good mood. I just went off on a tangent there and really, when I think of everything that COULD be wrong with my life... well, I'm feeling quite blessed at the moment.

end of summer

Where'd it all go?

September already.

The leaves are turning on some of the trees, the bratlets are back in school and I've seen frost once already. I've even turned on my heater, once or twice.

The fair is done, which signifies the end of summer for us. It's always on Labor Day Weekend. I spent way too much of it yawning and not drinking enough.

We started it on Friday night at our little watering hole with the tall, handsome boy, my older sister and I. Little sister was not allowed to vacate her home base without her ball and chain shackled to herself. It was a lot of fun and we laughed our asses off, but we missed the baby sister. Sometimes, I still hate that she has a boyfriend that she would rather spend time with.
We spent too much money at the fair, ate a lot of crap and didn't get enough sleep. We laughed at drunk people and a Marilyn Manson look-a-like. We saw an 18 year old get taken out of the bar part of the fair. I saw her drinking and it amazes me how blase the girl was about chugging down a beer while cops stood not 40 feet from her. We saw a Destruction Derby and little kids chortling with glee over airplane merry-go-rounds. Of course, mine was inspecting the mechanisms to make sure all was in working order and then, he'd chuckle once or twice. The little worrier that he is.

The older sister left yesterday, and like always, it feels like a piece of me leaves with her. It always takes a day or two to get my bearings so that I may resume my normal life without her and her children surrounding me with love. God, I miss them, sooo much. I hate that we live so far apart, but in a way, I'm glad. Because if we lived closer, we wouldn't cherish the time that we do spend together so much and that's an important part of it. Everything is special when she is here. I love you, big sister. Keep on hangin' on.

The boy cut his hair last evening. I guess you could say he made some 'in-roads' on it....

I handled it with the grace and poise I so often do when presented with this sort of tragedy... I laughed my ass off. It was so funny to see his little face turn towards me and notice all the missing spots of hair with his white scalp shining through. School pictures are on the eighteenth... I'm thinking of making him choke down prenatal vitamins so that his hair may grow all that much faster. If it hasn't grown in, I'll use makeup to shade it a little so that it won't be so obvious.

I must go now. I have a pounding headache and fear that I am coming down with my annual Labor Day illness. I swear, since I have moved here, I have been sick every single Labor Day weekend. I was hoping that I had avoided it, but I'm starting to think not. I'll chug some orange juice and gulp Vitamin C in hopes that I can stave off the worst of it.