All Hallow's Eve

I love Halloween.

I think it has to do with the mysticism of it all.

And the chance, just for a day, a night, to be something you're not. To be someone you're not.

And the fact that no one can rag on you for trying to be something you aren't.

not the long, ranting, emotional post

...I'm too tired.



My mom has cancer in her face. Deep in her face and possibly in her brain. It is going to require not only extensive surgery, but a prolonged stay in the hospital, which she is very anxious about. In order to do surgery, she is going to need to have an angiogram done beforehand to make sure that her heart can withstand it. With her blood disease, her doctor is worried about heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, etc. In addition to the blood disease, she has, in the past, had a very hard time with being "put under". She has died twice on the table during a hysterectomy and suffered numerous complications after surgery.

I am scared and sad and angry and hurting. I don't want her to die. Yet, she has suffered so in the last couple of years, I almost hope that if her quality of life isn't going to improve after this, I hope that she does pass in her sleep.

I am afraid of losing my mom and one of my best friends. I am sad that she is so afraid and when I hear her cry, I want to take all the fear and hurt away. Angry that it wasn't caught before by her normal doctor who just piled pills on top of pills when she described how badly she was feeling. And hurting that the most I can do is reassure her that if the time comes, I will make sure that every one of her last wishes are followed.

And I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about her passing.

May it be that God will provide me with the strength I need to help her and may he be with her when she needs him the most.

not the pictures I wanted to post...

A picture of Lori after pulling an all-nighter with a sick and hurting Ty and then spending almost the whole next day butchering her hair (be kind!!):

A picture of the newest (older) member of the LoriNty abode. She will be 11 years old in December. Of that eleven years, she's spent only 6 with me. I am such a bad dog owner!

quickie

I am still sick, goddammit all to hell. I am feeling somewhat better, though. So I'll keep my precarious grip on life, for a while yet, anyway.

Today feels like fall. The last couple of days have felt like fall. Wake up to frost on the windows and the grass. The chill in the air. I am going to try and get some photos up of all the pretty colors.

Ty lost his second tooth. Now he has a huge gap and spits all over when he talks. Too cute for me to attempt any words. Right at the moment, he is doing 'homework'. Since we were gone for the first three days of the week, he got homework sent home with him. And believe me, he is taking it all rather seriously. I am trying to be patient with him but he is convinced that he won't get it all done in time. God grant me the patience I need to deal with a child learning how many days there are in a week. Actually, grant me the patience and knowledge to deal with a KINDERGARTNER that thinks he knows everything.

My mom's doctor thinks that she has cancer right there at her ear. She goes in for a biopsy on it next week. If it is cancer, we're in it for a long haul and I will probably have lots of ranting and raving and soppy boobing to do. Thank god for my blog. Lots of prayers.

I guess I'll get going. I am going to attend my niece's soccer game. Last of the season and I'm going to call BzBiff and make her get her butt out of bed and come see me. I'll even chip in for gas.

I went to a funeral

...and came back SICK.

And I hate being sick. I hate it, hate it with a passion.

I just drove 6 hrs. looking at wavy lines while my nose alternately ran like a faucet and then plugged up to the point I would look in the mirror to make sure my eyes weren't black.

It's been a heck of a long day. I think I'll get the kid in the shower and into bed, although it's only 7:00 p.m.

someday

I really enjoy life when it's quiet and uneventful.

The air is cool and the sky is the delicate color of a robin's egg. The dog is hiding from children, under my computer desk, keeping my feet warm. Ty and his cousin are playing NICELY. If only the fucking dog next door would shut the fuck up.

Life is good, right at the moment. It might not be in an hour or two, but for the moment, I kinda like it.

The boy is now laying on the floor writing his alphabet. I am amazed at how far he's come in so little time.

When I was in high school, we had the option for advanced ed classes if all of the basic requirements were met for the year. I enrolled in a class where we learned about children and eventually became teacher's aides. I loved it. I was an aide in a second grade class and I was then, and am now, amazed at the general sponginess of their brains. I love to watch their faces light up when it finally clicks; when they finally realize that this is the way you do it, to get this answer and it is right! I wanted to be a teacher back in those days, so enthralled by shining little faces was I. And then I got married and worked so my husband could go to college and then, when his courses let up a little bit, I enrolled and my mom got sick and so on and so forth. Maybe someday, I'll go after it. Maybe. I do still love watching the light turn on in a bright little mind. Someday.

P.S. I found a new blog that I really like.... Nurse Ratched

a bit of a catch up... just a bit.

I meant to post on my mom's birthday. Meant to doesn't get a whole lot done, huh?

At any rate, happy birthday Mom. My love for you is forever and I know that you are facing some pretty scary shit right now and I will do my best to remain patient while you are scared half to fucking death. If the CT scan isn't an open one, you have the right to walk away.

She had cancer on her face about 11 years ago. The doctor had to cut into her 6-7 times to get all of it because every time he cut into it, it scattered. Anyway, now she has a bump near her ear that the doctor thinks might be a tumor right near her carotid artery and surgery is dicey at best. So we will be going to city in the north for a CT scan on her neck, chest and face, I believe. Scary stuff and she is, quite obviously, freaking the fuck out. I don't blame her a bit.

Also, today was graduation day for BzBiff's guys. Congratulations! Not only to them, but to you, BzBiff. You are such an amazing person and have and do make such a difference in people's lives. I am proud and honored to call you my friend.

That's about all. Lori bagged herself a fine, strapping buck this weekend. She is a naughty, naughty girl and makes no excuses for it. He had dimples, ok? And was as much of a smart ass as I am. I adored him and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a pang at the thought of him going home. He was here, camped out for a week, deer hunting.

That's about all. Someday, when I am feeling brave, I will recount the tale of the kitten and my son. But for right now, I'm tired and going to bed and unwilling to discuss my son's future as an axe murderer.

G'night.

My Heart Breaks

There are people in this world that most of us have no understanding of.

I read that the relatives who were supposedly molested by the man who held up the Nickel Mine School in PA, were not, in fact, molested by him at all.

Did he do it over a dream?

Did he kill those girls and maim others over a frickin' dream?

My God, my heart hurts tonight over this. I've been thinking and thinking about it, since I heard about it and the more I find out, the sicker I feel.

The recent bouts of schoolroom tragedies are breaking me into pieces and making me question my sanity in bringing this sweet boy into this world. Ok, ok. So, since turning five, he's a bit more sour than sweet, but still...

It's awful and sickening and I cry at night while I say my prayers for all of these poor children and their grieving families.

I found an article that specifies an address to send memorial donations to for the Nickel Mine School Victims Fund. I will be sending a few dollars, along with a sympathy card.

Here is an article featuring an address for donations to be sent to a memorial fund for Emily Keyes, who was shot in the back of the head while running from a man who was holding her hostage. I will send a few dollars to this one, as well.

Tonight, my heart breaks.

It is finally here...

... the annual Labor Day cold that I somehow managed to put off a month has finally arrived.

I am a big lump of dizziness and aching ears.

I fucking HATE being sick. Hate it.

Lots of things going on. If I could muddle around in the gelatinous mess that is my brain, I could come up with a somewhat coherent update on my life. But it looks like it is going to have to wait few days until I can form complete thoughts (That sentence seriously made my eyes cross).

Take care all, off to have some NyQuil and sweaty dreams...