It's My Fault

It's my fault, I admit it. IF I hadn't said anything about the weather, it wouldn't be in the 90's.

School starts in 4 days, thank god. I am about to beat my child and duct tape him to the bed. I kid, kind of.

All of the crap that usually happens, is happening. Cowboys quitting left and right. Right before one of the busiest times of the year. On the up side, I've been talking to a bunch of cowboys here lately! Yay... that makes going to work easier. We've got a new one coming on Monday. That will be new and the same...

I wish that I had all sorts of fodder for some good blog entries. My life is so boring and quiet. I guess that's good. It could be chaotic and scary and I could be sitting here wishing for some peace and quiet.

I have been so tired and lazy. I haven't been exercising. I have been waking up late every morning and you know what is too blame? The weather that I revel in is screwing up my inner clock. I come home from work and lay around on the couch, dozing and watching Ghost Hunters. And then, in the morning, I am hitting the snooze button and snuggling even further into my down comforter.

I wonder if that's what finally turned Ty into the monster that he has been. The weather is probably screwing with him, as well.

Sorry this is so rambling and... un-fluid-like. One of these days, I'll find some sort of topic/day to blog about. Won't that be nice? Having something to read that is all related to ONE subject. Imagine.

Seasons

My dad commented today that it feels like fall is on it's way. I've been thinking that for a week now, but was hesitant to say anything for fear of another two months of burning misery. I adore the change in the seasons. I think the thing I like most is the promise of new and yet, old things to come. I like the ebb and flow. The routine. I am beginning to think that I am pretty resistant to change.

When it's summer into fall, there is all of that ... coolness to look forward to and really, I'm a sweater type of person. I like thick, comfy sweatshirts and open windows at night, carrying a hint of woodsmoke from town. The wind blows a bunch. It doesn't STOP blowing. You are constantly rubbing dust from allergic eyes and choking while trying to talk. Don't even bother with the Pledge until the first good rain comes through.

From fall to winter is the excitement of the season approaching and the first snow. The mornings that you get up and stand at the window, watching the sun come up. When the first rays touch the frost, it turns the world into a tinfoil likeness of it's former self and I am always amazed at the silvery points of light. But... the wind, only now, it's colder.

Then from winter to spring. Ahhh, relief from the chill. While I am wallowing around in big, bulky sweaters, I am still anxious for the first day when I can feel the sun on my arms and watch the calves run on shaky legs. I love to see all the babies of spring. And the wind? It blows, with the promises of spring snow and chilly rain.

And then summer. The promise of dusty days and tanned skin. Long days, late nights and loud laughter. Camping, bundling up against the chill of the morning mountain air. Campfires and mosquitoes. Rodeos. Driving in my truck down dusty roads, listening to the radio and Ty counting rabbits. And the wind? It blows.

Reflecting

Let me preface this by saying:

I KNOW the boy has a good heart. I see it and feel it. Maybe not every day, but often enough to know that it's there.

Last night, he was throwing rocks at the apartments and my neighbor said to him that she was going to beat his ass. I understand, I would say the same thing. But she then told me "it's a good thing that you have us all to look out for him". And while I do appreciate the backup, it just kind of hit me wrong.

First, there were the bets on when he would go to jail. Then, there was a general collection of 'bad' stories and instances about him. And then she said that.

I don't know if she was being catty or if it was just a simple remark. All I do know was that it kind of stung and got to me.

Here lately, I've been questioning my role as a good parent and just when I start to believe that maybe, it's just him being six and being a boy and not me molding him for a life of crime, someone shoots off at the mouth without thinking how it will fall and it gets me back to square one again.

However, all of them quickly shut up when I said "You know, I'd feel really bad about him if they (meaning all of our kids) weren't all such monsters, equally."

I know he gets away with a lot. But sometimes, you are just too tired and busy to worry about it unless blood is involved. And by 'get away with', I mean he doesn't get beat within an inch of his life, constantly, like maybe he needs. He definitely knows that I am unhappy and will deal with it, to some degree, when I have the time and/or energy.

It's not easy being a single parent. The constant worry and constant push and pull on you from your kid. There is no one to complain to or worry with because they all have their own lives and have their own shit going on. Single parenting is STRESSFUL! News flash, I know. Parenting, period, is stressful but I can't help but think that when there is someone there to worry with about anything and everything, that THAT (the unloading) helps. And I just try to roll with mine. Then, I come here and everyone out there in internet world, I mean, like the whole one of you who reads gets to hear it. So maybe I am just being a wimp?

I don't know. I know that I try to do my best on alternate days of the week (note the sarcasm.... My way of dealing) and if my best it isn't another's best, that is their own problem.

I swear, my gut hurts just thinking about the 5 million different ways I have probably screwed this child up.

Damn Cheeseburgers

Today I travelled to a town to have my yearly girl exam.

She wants me to lose weight (duh!, not like that HASN'T been an ongoing project!), have my cholesterol checked, go on the pill and quit smoking. Personally, I think she was getting me back for having to palpitate my sweaty boobs. Seriously, the room was like 110 degrees and if you know me, well, let's just say I am NOT lacking in under-boob sweat.

I am like your most stereotypical bad girl.

Fat, smokes, sleeps around, eats too many cheeseburgers.

At least my blood pressure was good. Thank you medicine!

The weather is still doing it's back and forth thing. This morning, it was 36 degrees. Tomorrow, the forecast high is 89 degrees. I feel lots of sinus pressure coming on. I could feel it today as I traversed the back roads in the high country. It was a little bit like having your head smashed in by a huge log being lowered, millimeter by millimeter right onto your forehead. And sneeze! And cough! And rinse and repeat! All the way home! (2 hrs and 15 minutes worth)

My son is spot on tonight. Fulfilling my never ending prediction that he will be incarcerated at some point in his life. It was a mere 5 minutes ago that he got in the shower and it's after nine. So much for having his routine back by now... Ugh.

Last night the boy and I took a ride down to the dump to toss some cardboard boxes and on our way back, we saw a coyote run across the road.... about 50 yards from my front door. It's a wild and woolly place we live in. Today, I saw a 6 point buck while I was driving home. He was far, far up into the mountains. Being the country girl that I am, I am a little bit ashamed to say out loud, that I hope he makes it into another season. He was purty nice lookin'.

I found the cash and carry in Klamath Falls today. BzBiff has dubbed it 'the redneck's Costco' which I find hilarious and yet, appropriate. I didn't see one thing in there that might not be detrimental to my "new"** healthy lifestyle. I was amazed at the fact that I could buy AuJus stuff BY THE GALLON!! I am in loooove. No wonder she wants to see my cholesterol levels. Oh, and they sale nacho cheese sauce!

**I say "new" because I have been working on a healthy eating lifestyle... forever and well, it's now new-old lifestyle. For some reason, the damn cheeseburgers always get me....

Looking at him a different way...

Here the last couple of the days, the weather has gone wonky.

 

The air has lost it's dry, flat quality.

 

There is a slight tremor to the air that spells S-C-H-O-O-L is almost here!!!

 

Thank God for small mercies.

 

Really though.  The mornings are cool and last night, I shut off the air conditioner.  I think the high so far today (it's 2:00 p.m.) has been 79 degrees.  Strange days.

 

The boy is riding shotgun on the cattle truck today.  He was so excited, he woke me up at 5:30 a.m., wanting me to get out of bed and fix coffee.  I relish the days that he has something that he looks forward to like that.  He is just generally, a nicer person.  I know, terrible coming from his own mother.  But when he has something to look forward to, he focuses on that instead of making my life miserable.

 

I do bitch about him a bit on here, and really, he isn't so bad.  When he's good, I just revel in it and sit back, thanking God for small miracles.  When he's bad, it affects me.  It makes me feel like a crappy parent.  I take his bad behavior personally and I am half convinced that due to my shoddy parenting skills, I am raising an ax murderer.  But...

 

I do have a GOOD story.  I know, I know.  Control yourselves.  Stories about the child and his pure, wonderful heart are few and far between, so enjoy.

 

My dad had a heart attack on June 11, 2007.  Since then, he has been slowly regaining some of his strength back.  Mostly, he's been listening more to his body and what it is telling him.  When he's tired, he stops, which is something he has never done before.  It was always go until it's done.  Anyway, when we were at the family reunion, Ty and my dad (Papa) went for a walk (that's another thing he does differently- structured exercise) and Papa noticed that the rock jack (the small, cylindrical shaped fence at the end of a fence line that is filled with rocks) was lacking in rocks up at the top so Ty and Papa set about fixing it.  They were hauling rocks to put into it when Papa picked up a rock that was just too big that set his heart to racing and "made him feel bad".  Papa told Ty "Shit, Ty, those big rocks will make me sick again!"  and my little half ax murderer, half angel boy turned and watched every single rock that Papa went to pick up and told him "You can't pick that one up.  It's too big and will make you sick!" every time he thought that the rock might be too much of a strain on Papa.

 

It brings tears to my eyes at the thought of my little boy out there, patrolling every move his Papa made in order to make sure that Papa didn't overdo it.

 

So all that bitching about murderers and rotten children?  I'll try and remember that before I sit to typing again. 

Upon My Return

I am back from the land of Mormons.

All went well, with the exception of one flipped four-wheeler, a groin muscle pulled, lost once at midnight pulling a camp trailer and the incessant rambling of people.

My son? He learned to tie his shoes in 2 days! I am so proud. He'd been wearing just slip on tennis shoes from Wal-Mart until Saturday morning and then he decided to venture into "tie shoe" territory. His cowboy boots are rubbing small craters atop his ankle bones and the new slip on tennies were too small (12.5. Tie ones are 13 and just barely fit. Is it normal for a six year old to be going into the boys 1 size shoes?). So we tried the "tie shoe"s and they were comfortable and once he got over being intimidated by having to tie them, he loved them.

I got back to frantic phone messages portraying the panic over the fact that the house we have our daycare in is no longer going to be provided to us after the year is up. So... the journey of finding (and finding funding for) a new daycare site begins.

I kind of wish I hadn't come home yet.

But it's good to be here. The animals are happy to see us and the boy almost cried when he saw the dog.

A Sweet Sound

Guess what I am doing right at the moment? Well, besides sitting on the computer reading all of the delicious celebrity gossip....

After a day of travelling through temperatures of 103 degrees, we arrived at Missy's. We dumped the kids on her oldest (he later took them to a movie, all by himself and we didn't even ask!!) and then, we went to the bar. Missy played pool while I sat and watched.

The dynamic of a 'regular' bar as opposed to the one at home is considerably different. I could have sat there all night, just watching people, if I hadn't been so damned tired and hungry. We went and ate after she completed her pool tournament tasks and after that...

We went and watched karaoke at a bar which I figured was a biker bar due to the high attendance of men and women with leather vests, bandannas and a variety of Harley's parked in front of the door. We had a front row seat next to the stage and enjoyed several people wailing away.

I joke, but seriously, it takes some balls to get up there. I know that I couldn't unless I was very drunk and knew everyone there (like all two people) very well.

As I sat and watched, I noticed the human mannerisms that I can identify with and use, myself. I could tell that the biker chicks were scared and embarassed (although they came back several times, once to butcher one of my favorite songs by the Judds) and then, the slightly overweight, drunk girl kept coming back for more and while she couldn't sing worth a shit, she was having a ball. She smiled and laughed and danced around, while one of the biker chicks stood facing the wall and barely moved. The men were even funnier.

Anyway, we came home about 10:30 and hit the bed. Sometime during the night, I heard a noise. What was that? The hesitant drip-drip. Oh my god... It is RAIN!! At home, we haven't seen rain for... ever. And it's been raining since about midnight. I love it. LOVE IT. Although I was going to straighten my hair today and now I can't because I don't want to wear that half curly, half straight, straggly homeless look.

Anyway, I just had to brag about the rain and people from back home, they get where I am coming from because it is DRY, folks. Bone dry and fire season and to sit here while it just patters on the sidewalk outside... Well, it's a sweet sound.