the cold, hard truth settles in.

Today, I passed the football field where the funeral will be held tomorrow and a lump the size of Montana lodged in my throat. I suppose it's finally sinking in; our beloved Pepper is gone.

I guess I have been in a state of denial, of some sort. I can talk candidly about the accident and the repercussions felt throughout our county. But for some reason, it didn't sink in until I passed the field where people were sitting out chairs. Then, I felt like I was choking and tears rolled down my face, all the way home.

I know all the platitudes. I've even uttered all the banalities, myself. About how he wouldn't want us to be sad and down in the mouth over his death. I say them and I recognize them, but sometimes that doesn't help. I AM sad and I am beginning to mourn the loss of him. More than I realized.

Tomorrow is the funeral. I expect it to be a grand affair with lots of laughter and even more tears.

And I hate crying in public!

Ty's first day of school

My son attended his first day of school today.

And he loved it so much, he told his cousin to "find a way I can stay here until nighttime."

He didn't want to come home.

While most of you think that "Aww, how sad for her", I can't tell you how relieved I would be if he decided to stay at the school overnight. That's JUST how awful he is being. Currently, he is in the shower, bawling, because I told him that 60 seconds was not sufficient time to correctly wash his body. He is angry. I am angry. There are a LOT of 4-letter words being uttered.

Looks like it's Prozac time in the old' Lorinty home...

I know, I know

...two posts in one day is an amazing feat for such a slogger (slacker blogger) as I.

Anyway, depression sinking in. Having a really rough fucking day.

Doctor called. Pap came back abnormal, again. Colposcopy set for the 31st.

I am so fucking tired of this and angry! I want to throw shit at the walls until the plaster crumbles and the dry wall caves in. I want to scream and throw myself around like an extra off of the Exorcist. FUCK.

I just got all of my medical bills paid and just started to be somewhat solvent, financially, again and here we fucking go. I'll play along this time, but next time, I am going to tell her to fucking take it out. I can't afford the bills, nor can I afford the blows to my sanity.

All the waiting, and worrying, and crying and picturing a future for the boy without me in it. I can NOT do this to myself. I try to keep myself up by knowing and repeating to myself that it will never get to that point. I will never let myself get to the point that dying is an option, but I'm not yet ready to give up hopes on a future baby.

There are some fucking days that I hate, HATE being a woman.

One hell of a guy

Life is so short and so fragile.

Yesterday, a friend of mine died in a terrible car accident. He left behind a whole community who will grieve tremendously for him. He left behind many treasured memories of a quick, hearty laugh and a huge, tender heart. He left behind a son who now has no parent (my friend was a single dad) and a woman whom he had been dating for the last month or so who had put a light into his eyes that I didn't know had been missing until I saw it there. She was in the accident with him and while she survived, she is in critical condition.

While my heart is broken and devastated at the loss of him, I can't even imagine the pain and grief that they are experiencing. Although, I've heard the doctors haven't told the woman yet; they think her condition is too unstable.

Say a little prayer for his son, Dustin and his girlfriend, Mary, would you? And hold on to your babies. Snuggle them just a bit longer. You never know what you might lose tomorrow. You never know WHO you might lose tomorrow.

He was our local cop and he was one of the good guys. This was a man that restored some of my faith in law enforcement because I knew I could call him, anytime, for anything, and he would rush to make sure all was ok; a man who restored my faith, a bit, in men, really. He'd stop in to shoot the shit every once in a while. If I saw him at the store or the post office, he always stopped me and chatted, and always, always making me laugh. He was one of those uncommon rays of light. The kind of person that would always try to make everyone laugh. Those will be almost all of my memories of him, his laugh. And the look on his face when he heard something terrible. He'd almost take it personally; his heart and compassion were just that much. He was a good cop and one hell of a guy.

Goodbye, Pepper. Thanks for the laughs and the memories. Every time someone tries to get me to drink a Kamikaze, I will pine for you (pine for you... Get it Merce? The gin...) The only reason I can laugh about anything is because I know that you would appreciate it. Hell, you would even encourage it. I will miss your familiar smiling face more than I can say.

and I am returned...

I am returned. I have been back at home base for a couple of days, but alas! I have been lazy. My sojourn into the land of the Mormons left me drained and preoccupied. Not really, but it sounded good. I am, really, just lazy.

I lived through the four a.m. casting off. It was difficult, but I made it. Ty said to me, as we were traveling through the very dark morn, "Mom, I sure hope the sun comes up today!". See? Even a child has doubts as to the wisdom of fucking with the universe by getting up at such an ungodly hour.

Highlights of my family reunion:

*My son discovered car sickness. While he never puked in Papa's truck, he surely took a good eight years off of my life because I can't handle puke in a vehicle that is regularly used. Especially a moving vehicle that Papa is in. You haven't seen displeasure until you have seen my father when someone is unwell, not only in his vehicle but in his vicinity.
*Several thunderstorms, one kept all of the family in our little Quonset hut most of the day and it rained like a bastard all day long, complete with fear for the little ones because they couldn't stand to stay inside and lightening was hitting all around us.
*The cabin procured a little furry visitor who made his home beneath the porch. Said animal was black with white stripe upon his back and a penchant for displaying his aggravation with us by inundating us with his odor.
*Lots of time to b.s. with my dad, older sister, favorite cousin and a few shared laughs.
*Time with my older sister's kids and her son's best friend. The son's best friend -P- might come up missing soon as I, in addition to my son, have found the cutest and sweetest little blondie kid, ever. This is also the same child that tried to puke on me, IN A CAR, when I went to Elko last summer (Merce made me sit in the middle next to him, because she is a wimp. I am a wimp as well, but I'm the least strongest of us two and she would have taken me to ground and produced not only blood but a few teeth if I had insisted SHE sit next to the sick boy who was already trying to puke and had developed a gray-green color about the face.). I love him, anyway.
*The country that we traveled through. While I have seen most of it throughout my life, I can always appreciate beauty and my fingers were itching for a camera. One shot would have been absolutely beautiful. Thunderstorm sitting over a hill that we were just at the bottom of. God, it was so pretty, I can still see all of the colors in my mind.
*And of course, the family. They are all Mormons, and while I don't hold that against them, they reproduce at an alarming rate and I was immersed in a million children that I couldn't even begin to sort. I have missed a couple of them more than others and was especially glad to see my cousin, Meri. When we were little, we were always together and we got into a lot of trouble together and occasionally, you yearn for those people who knew you when you were a wee, bitty one and still love you and call you family anyway. I was enchanted by her Mini-Meri, named Kassie. Kassie brought to mind the young Meri that used to stand up with me, in front of our Granny, and get her ass chewed as well, for picking on the other cousins. I do care for all of them, but Meri, and her family, especially her dad, and her older sister, Laura are probably my all-time favorites. It's gatherings like those that remind you that life is so short and to not take those you love for granted.

I must go now, the call from the boy is getting urgent. Apparently, he thinks that I won't pick up my share of the mess in the house. *sigh*

Went in for re-pap to make sure she got all of the "bad stuff". Anxiously awaiting results. I really don't want to have to go through all of it, again. In the meantime, she put me on Prozac (!) to help with PMS. Wow, I'm a member of the Prozac nation, huh? Still undecided if I am going to actually take it or not. We'll see.

Off to embark on an adventure

Tomorrow, we leave for our family reunion. At 4 a.m. I'm sorry, do you not recognize that number?? FOUR A.M.

One person has asked me if there is really such a time. I told him that, yes, I believe there might be. I think that it's when you party until the sun comes up, it's that one period where you have drank yourself sober. Folks, that is probably the only time I have been awake at 4 a.m.... But in order to get ready to go at 4 a.m., I'll need to be up by 3:30'ish so that I may have time to start functioning well enough to drive my car to my parents house so that I may meet and get into a car with the man who is possibly going to kill me - my father.

I piss and moan, but I'll be in a car, with my dad for hours on end. And while to some, that might sound like an obscure form of Chinese torture, my dad amuses me to no end. I suppose it is because we are so much alike in some ways. But he does. The man can reduce me to tears simply by getting lost in a town with less than 200,000 people in it. Ask Merce how that goes.

So, we will be traversing across the state of Nevada and a little bit into the land of the Mormons. I haven't really said much about this because I'm not Mormon. I was, however, raised in the Mormon religion. My dad is Jack Mormon and my mom is Baptist. So neither of my parents made us conform to one or the other. It just so happened that we lived near my cousins and aunt and uncle and my uncle was (is) adamant that all of us children learn about Moroni and such. I have never taken to it, really and I could provide you with the reason(s) why, but that's a whole other post.

Anyway, you all know that Mormon's are not to drink coffee or smoke or imbibe in the devil's spirits, which, we all do. So, it'll be awkward and confusing to the children (mine especially) at first and then, one by one, cousins will filter into our campsite to bullshit with the drunk smokers. And before you know it, we'll be popular. It's happened before.

I shall return in four or five days and regale you all with the wondrous, titillating, and exciting escapades that occurred at our reunion (there IS a reason why we only go once every 9 or 10 years) and you will all be in awe and jealous of us and our "togetherness" and will insist upon becoming a member of our family. *AHEM* Single, male, tall, handsome: I might be able to accomodate you...

Take care! Later.