R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Posting, what to do, what to do?

I always feel a bit guilty and embarrassed for not posting and yet... I so don't have anything to talk about. While my life is far from wonderful or idyllic, it's quiet and when it's quiet, I don't have a bunch to say. I think it must be out of fear. Don't want to jinx anything, ya' know?

Today i... Signed up a guy that is on his 4th rotation at the old Z cross. Did the fuel inventory (for the record, the ranch used approx. 2,000 gallons of unleaded gas from December 28 - to January 30). Did the hay inventory, corrected it once per the old man's instructions, AFTER I asked him about where to put down a specific location. He gave me one answer and then asked me fifteen minutes later "Why did you put the inside feedlot hay into spring calvers? You KNOW we have to keep track of hay INSIDE the feedlot?" *Rolling my eyes*. I did 5 bills of sale for horses, corrected the fucking horse inventory ONE MORE TIME (we currently are running at 208 horses). I've spent the last two weeks on this friggin' inventory and I'm starting to dream about the stupid thing. Will I ever get it? I signed cute cowboy up for health insurance. He shaved off all the facial fur and *gasp* he is handsome underneath. AND he looks older. Yay! Plus, you can see the dimples. I caught him looking down my shirt a few times. *smiling coyly here* I talked to my older sister, she's on the hunt for a house. She was in the drive through at Mickey Dee's and they had a sign up: "We are out of soda for the day". How in the hell do they run out of soda????? Someone's getting their ass chewed for that one!

Today, I was talking to BzBiff and we were talking about raging at your kids. She said that she had to do some exercise where you sat on the floor and had someone scream at you, so that you may experience it as children do. I've done it, I know. And I really do try to stop when I am screaming at him in that position because it's just so damn scary and intimidating to the little guys. He's been so frigging rotten these last couple of weeks. I know what it is that is turning him into a demon and I am hoping that I can fix it soon. But ohmygod.

Last night, example: I was throwing whites into the washer and I asked him where all his socks were going. he said to me "They are in the top drawer of my dresser. What are you, stupid?" in such a snide voice. The child should feel blessed that he is able to walk and talk today because I came really close to hurting him an awful lot. What he said was bad enough. The tone of it just did me in. It was so disrespectful and so ugly. Oh god. I told him to come here to me, in THAT tone of voice, the one where you can tell I am hanging off a ledge by mere fingernail skin. He immediately started boobing and "I'm sorry". Later, he told me (which is his favorite 'make mom feel guilty enough that SHE ends up being the one to apologize' tactic) that I scared him cuz I was so mean. I told him that he SHOULD have been scared and if I had been dumb enough to say that to his Papa (my dad, his idol) when I was his age, I wouldn't have walked across the room to the corner, I would have slid DOWN the wall and landed there. Not that my dad (or mom) ever abused us, but BY GOD, we had complete respect and a healthy fear of them. Not that I want Ty to fear me, but I do want him to know that I am the parent and he will respect that and me and treat me the way I should be treated. God knows I try to remember to treat him with respect in such ways by not standing over the top of him while I rage. I'm still pissed that he thinks he can act like that towards me. Hopefully, it is just him growing up and not his father reinventing himself in Tyler by simple genetics.

Gotta go, The Gauntlet is on. I love me some MTV!!!! Laters

I saw him dancin' there by the record machine...

So, the first day of 29 wasn't so bad. I am really tired, though. I knew I shouldn't have gone out for drinks. Despite being the first to leave at 11:30, I feel like I stayed out all night. It was nice though. Just a few of us, the real, true friends (minus, of course, the wonderful BzBiff) that I have here. The boys gave me a card saying that they hoped I would have a really "great" day, and taped 3 condoms (still packaged) to the inside. 2 of them were expired. Hmmm, I wonder who provided THOSE?? Haha. Good thing he doesn't know that this blog exists.

Today was spent measuring minutes by yawns. And coasting through it in that sleep-deprived, sinus heavy haze. You know the feeling. Like your eyelids are puffed out and hanging down, somewhat similar to a hound dog.

And we will turn around and do it again on Saturday night. I am a sort of glutton for torture, I suppose. My only redemption being that Sunday I may loll about on the couch, catching cat naps in between the child's entrances and exits.

Babies, babies, everywhere. Dad told me that this is a big year for twins. So far we have 7 or 8 sets of twins. And our corporate neighbor in Idaho has 11 or 12. That's kind of neat. You generally don't see that many twins. One usually dies or the mother dies trying to get them out. I promise, I WILL post pictures as soon as I can. I tried to get out and take some the other morning, but it was too cold and my camera lens kept getting all frosted over. Plus, the rechargable batteries SUCK. Sorry, BzBiff, they die within mere minutes of actual run time. I will get some dependable ones and take some pics. I've missed it.

The lovely Rose is back. Welcome back from the dark side, honey. I always feel so bad when I know that you are suffering so and I never know what to say. I get depressed but I usually talk myself out of it and it's nothing compared to what you go through. I get sad, then pissed at the world in general, bawl off and on for a day or so and then it goes away. Know that I've thought about you countless times and thought off and on "Should I call? Nah, I'll just let her be." Hugs to you, Rose. And it's good to see you back. The blog-o-sphere loses some of it's magic when you are gone!

I am thinking I need to get up off my fat arse and do the dishes, laundry, get the kid bathed, etc. Maybe I'll just go float around in the internet for a bit and go to bed!! Hey, one year older, 1/2 an hour earlier to bed? Is that right? Well, it should be. Loves all...

P.S. Awww, what a nice sister!!! Go see what she says about me on my birthday!

Part of Me

So, tomorrow is my birthday.... What shall I post about????

29 things i love about ME!!!!!

Hahaha....

1. My sense of humor
2. My ability to turn anything into sarcasm
3. My laugh
4. My fingernails
5. My lips
6. My own eyes
7. When my hair is all curly and semi pretty
8. When I straighten my hair and it's so sleek and shiny
9. My ability to laugh at SpongeBob
10. My intelligence
11. My ability to do this and only be able to think of 10 things, for gods sake....

So, yeah, that's it. I suppose I would add, I love my son, my loyalty, my gut instincts and my life (for the most part, when it's not all fucked up and messy, which is rarely!). Nice project in self-esteem this was, huh?

OR....

29 things I love

that's better, right? Not quite so... Not me.

1. My son
2. My family
3. My life
4. Cowboys
5. Anything cowboy-ish
6. Dogs
7. Cats
8. Calves
9. Any sort of baby animals
10. Babies
11. Salt and vinegar chips
12. BBQ'd hot dogs wrapped in tortillas
13. Music
14. Reading
15. My down comforter
16. CSI: Las Vegas
17. MTV
18. Big, comfy mugs of coffee
19. My TIVA flip flops
20. Yoga pants
21. Hot baths
22. Oranges right out of the fridge, peaches, too
23. Thunderstorms
24. Midnight
25. My friends, real, true, friends
26. The smell of Cedar Pledge
27. Watching the boy make people laugh
28. Lavender and Vanilla Downy
29. The feeling of crawling into freshly cleaned sheets at the end of a long, hot summer's day

So that there is some of me. It started off crappy. Hopefully, what's there isn't too retarded.
~Lori

feel like laying you down

Every time I go to post, something comes up. Dinner, drinks next door, the friggin' ISP is telling me I don't have a valid username, password, etc... Always something the last couple of days!

I am whipped. T.I.R.E.D. This cold that we have all caught just hangs on and hangs on and makes you feel soooo worn out. My poor old dad is still fighting it off. Ty has the residual snotty face after any cold that he gets. I'm snuffling and snorting and sinuses' draining intermittently. And I have turned into a PIG. I want comfort food and lots of it, carb laden and calorie loaded. Spice cake w/ butter cream frosting and salt & vinegar chips, anyone? I am also suffering PMS-wise, although it shouldn't really be considered PMS, since it lasts during and sometimes after.

The below quiz, I found on JR's. I really don't just filch quizzes off of her site. I see these little quizzes all the time and take them, rarely do I see one that I feel like posting the results on. I suppose it comes down to taste. Apparently, our tastes run alike, in this aspect. Rock on.

My birthday is in 3 days. On the 26th, I will be 29. One year from 30 and I still feel (mostly) like I'm just barely in my twenties. Men still confuse and bewilder me. I still react before I think about it. I curse like a sailor after a trip through the monastery. I still rely on my parents advice, far too much. Likewise, their approval. I don't like to sleep alone. I don't watch scary movies because there is still the logical part of my brain, saying 'That could happen!'. I still spend far too much time at the bar, not so much getting plastered, just there, spending time and money. I suppose that's one thing to come out of my twenties, a semi-tolerance to alcohol.

That's about it and I need to get the wee one to bed, he's turned into a terror the last couple of days, so we are cutting back bedtime by 1/2 hour increments until he resumes some resemblance of the child I adore. BzBiff loaned me some rechargable batteries for my camera, so I will post pics of baby calves when I get the chance.

How to make a lorinty

Ingredients: 3 parts pride 5 parts brilliance 5 parts joy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little lovability if desired!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I saw the above quizz on JR, apparently she is back for a few, intermittent posts.

Love it. 3 parts pride... Hmmm, who knew?

thursday morning

This morning, I logged on to Anon. Rowhouse to find that Rose has gone and done it. She deleted her blog for the foreseeable... ever. So her link is gone.

She's been wrestling with it (the decision) for the last couple of weeks and while I'm sad to see it go, I get it. There's a lot of give to having a blog. And I suppose after 2 years of spilling it all for the masses to see and trying to find an entertaining and appealing forum to lay it all out in gets to be more than a person wants to deal with. Especially after 2 years. I doubt I'll be here for that long. Let's have a moment of peace for the passing of the Rowhouse, shall we?

As for butt-hurt and her wily ways. My hurt feelings are passed, much soothed by the comment Merce left in the previous post. Probably more so by TOM starting. I realize that I can't control what anyone, except myself, does. And should people choose to mix with her, that is their choice. They've seen what has come before and may God help them, you know he suffers fools. As to her, I'll try to keep my venom from spilling over here anymore, well, unless she does something spectacularly stupid, from which I cannot hide my glee. I realize that I've dedicated way too much space and time to someone so undeserving. I also realize that I am becoming monotonous and ugly about it. For that I apologize.

Last night it snowed a little. Driving in it was like watching the beginning of some space show or something where you are traveling through space and the stars are whizzing past you. Except, at times, it was so thick (the snow) that my head spun a little and made driving a risky endeavor. What with chancy roads and my inability to drive a straight line.

Calves have started dropping and while I hear it all day-to-day on the radio, yesterday, I saw MY first one of the year. A little black fella, curled into his mama's side. He was out of the AI (artificial insemination) cows, which are first timers. He had a crowd of curious bovine noses poking at him for a good long time, I think.

Cows are strange animals. To look at them, with their long eyelashes and doe-like eyes, along with big bellies and a tendency to meander about, you'd think they are so gentle and quiet. Which for the most part they are. But some of them are wild and crazy and chase people on horses straight up the straight side of a mountain, leaping rock avalanches and all.

I like to watch them in relation to their calves. They have such a humanistic trait to them. When calves are fairly small, before they start eating hay, all the mama cows will group together and leave the babies with a babysitter so that they can go eat or go to water or whatever. Then one will come back and replace her, then one to replace her and so on and so forth. And they call out to their kiddies. They have a special 'moo' that is just for their babies and to watch them call their babes back to their sides... Well, it's just so damn sweet to me and fitting, what with those big, puppy eyes.

I love this time of year. Animals remind me of the cycles of life, and when I think of spring, I think of all these little buggers kicking and bucking their way across a field full of grass shoots. It reminds me of what my dad has fought for all the year long, all his life long, really. It makes me remember that I am proud of what we do here, beef markets and Mad cow disease be damned. It makes me proud to be part of a dying breed and a dying profession.

what a wonderful world

What a day. 2 more of our cowboys quit. I was up most of the night with a gagging, choking, coughing little boy. Butt-hurt is trying to wiggle her way back into the fold. An innocent boy was devastated by something she told him about us. God, I am in need of some serious Calgon time.

Cowboys quitting... At this time of year, it's tragic. We've got cows starting to drop calves all over the cold and frozen ground. Cold and frozen when the weather is normal for this time of year. Which, this year, the weather has been FAR from normal. We've got rain / snow showers predicted for the rest of this week and calving will start in full force probably by the middle of next week. Babies + inclement weather = a lot of sick and dying babies. Argh. Oh well, justice will be served. Most cowboys will stick with a job at least through the spring and put off quitting until then, so they'll be hard pressed to find a job. Total of cowboys quitting this week: 4.

The tot and his coughing. It's a nasty bug. My dad is still trying to fight it off and as a man in his 60's, he's really having a rough time. I've noticed the last couple of years that it's getting harder and harder for the old man to shake any sickness he comes down with. It scares me. I hate to see him and my mom getting old. I know that it's inevitable, but...

About what butt-hurt told the boy. He is in some rather precarious circumstances when it comes to minors and she told him that we (merce and i) didn't want him around our kids for fear that he might hurt one of them. It's bad enough what she did to me. But this boy, she talks to him every night and to say something so blatantly UNTRUE, just to work her agenda? Fuck her. That poor kid. When Merce told me, it made tears come to my eyes. He must have been so hurt. For the record: This is a boy that I have just recently started to relate to. I've thought he was a punk for a while, but through his girlfriend and others, I realize that while he comes off as one, he is really rather nice.

Plus, my favorite UPS person, IN THE WORLD, retired today. I am sad to see you go, Clete. I hope that your retirement is wonderful.

Just like Groundhog's Day

Ah, Monday. Why everyone gets MLK Jr. day off, except us (those of us who toil and trouble over cows for a certain corporation) is a mystery to me.

I am still recovering from the weekend. Some 'weekend hunters' came over the mountains for some rabble rousing, much drinking and shooting of what we call pests this weekend. Merce, N ( broken leg and sprained ankle friend) and I cavorted and frolicked among them Saturday night and well into Sunday morning. We got home at FOUR A.M.... My god, I'm getting to old for this shit! N, who is approximately 11 years older than I am, can out drink, out last and WAY out party me. I am an old 28 year old. Almost 29 (next Thursday). It was fun and I met a guy whom I can best describe as a freaky sort of Mr. Clean, a guy who owns a bachelorette/stripper business, as a moon lighting type of foray. It was interesting, to say the least, and the closest I've ever come to taking a complete stranger home. He calls me 'Little Mama' and calls the boy 'Tex'. Yes, he met the kid. Came over twice, yesterday. The first time, I dunno, he just wanted to come and say 'Hi'? And last night to ask if I wanted to go out hunting/beer drinking with them. I, naturally, declined. Seeing as how it was 5 'til 8 and today was a work day AND I was going on like 1 solid hour of sleep, I figured it was probably necessary for my surviving Monday.

Other than that (it was pretty much the highlight of my week) there is not much to report on. Things are pretty quiet on the western front. Well, except for the weather, which fucking SUCKS! The network server (?) banned blogspot from approved websites and so I don't get to go on and visit the blogs I read every day. I was having myself some serious blogger withdrawals today.

I logged on tonight to find that fellow blogger, Rose, has logged off for a while, and should she stop by to visit, I am sending this message: I am going to call sometime this week, probably Thursday or Friday. I don't know what is going on or if it's even something. I will talk to you soon, though. Loves.

2 days left until the teenager abandons ship. The little cowboy will be so sad for the next couple of weeks. Mama will be lonely for some 'adult' conversation, but we'll return to our normal 2 person ship before too long, hopefully.

A cold is running rampant throughout our little village. And it's nasty. It caught up to Ty last week and it's catching up to me, I can feel it breathing down my neck. Sore throat, fatigue, and a stuffy nose. I don't, however, have the nightly recurring nasty cough that Ty does. He gets pretty croupy at night time and the vaporizer runs full steam all night.

Currently, I am thinking about legally changing his middle name to 'The Most Fucking Obnoxious Kid I Have Ever Known'. I do love him, I promise and I treat him, generally, like the greatest gift that I have ever received, which he is. But MY GOD. The mouth on this kid the last couple of weeks! ARGH. I am hard pressed to not BEAT him. Beat as in absolutely throttle him to the point of not stopping. I curse a blue streak and I'm sure that it'll come up in therapy 30 years from now as to why he is secretly hostile towards women, but really. I could care less at this point. Oh, and we'll add some serious PMS symptoms to the whole back talk thing, mix it with cold symptoms and try to not burn it over the fires of all my other 'issues with people and life'. I, myself, am seriously thinking I might need some therapy.

But, rest assured. Tonight, when all is quiet and we are lying in bed, I will read him the Dr. Suess alphabet book and we will giggle and he will recite the parts he has memorized. And I will turn to him and tell him 'Good Night' and how much I love him and will apologize for losing my temper. And he will tell me that he is sorry for back talking and we will make promises to each other to not do it anymore and tomorrow when I come home from work, we will revert to our normal cranky selves and I will wonder why it was I ever thought being a single mom would be OK. Nice to know that there is some routine to my life.

miss me, baby

It's been a few days.

I feel obligated to come and post and I get so far as signing in and something (usually small, about 4 and 1/2 years old and belligerent as all get out) distracts me and it never gets done. I also feel rather obligated to have something to SAY when I post. And well, I don't.

Things are quiet around here and as far as I am concerned, quiet is good. After all the drama and grossness of the last week, quiet suits me just fine.

Butt-hurt (aka Smellie aka the skank bent on ruining my psyche) has taken to completely turning around in her seat WHILE DRIVING in order to avoid eye contact. I could care less. I hope that she is ashamed and burning with guilt, but I know better. She is just merely avoiding seeing how disgusting she is, reflected through my eyes.

The assistant, he gives me hell about her. And today, I was telling him "The shits of it? This will all blow over and eventually I'll be nice... All 'Hey! How's it going?' And she will take advantage of it, all over again". To which he responded " Well you know the old saying; Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I laughed and said "And then what? Third time's a charm?" Because should I cave and be true to ME and how I am, that is exactly what will happen. She will take advantage of me and my niceness and hurt me all over again. But what? Third time, I finally snap and break her in half like she so deserves? No, I don't think so. Third time she burns me, she suddenly sees the light and realizes what she is doing? Ummm, NOPE. So, I'll do my best to not let there be a third time. But I know me. And no matter how bitchy and awful I come across on here, I really am not. Deep down inside, buried under all the cynicism and bitchiness, lies a NICE person. And we all know what happens with nice guys (or women, as the case may be), they finish last. I'll do my best to remain aloof with hardened heart worn on my sleeve for all the world to see, but chances are, it'll crumble.

The assistant is driving me nuts. He is bored. He cleans. Today, he actually took the FULL vacuum bag and emptied it out into a garbage can, using his hands and maybe a stick, so that he could fucking VACUUM AGAIN. I understand he is bored. I understand that he is used to being outside, chasing the errant cow and calf, with the exception of lying on the couch for the last month and a half, TV blaring, remote clutched in his hand to provide him with distraction. But if he doesn't stop with the fucking vacuuming, I will certainly provide a distraction. Not to mention the fact that it stirs up so much dust and crap and my allergies are freaking out, I'll probably end up at home with the most heinous of sinus infections. He vacuums, the heater kicks all that dust around, I cough, sneeze, snort, blow and snuffle my days away. Sometimes, I fucking LOVE MY LIFE. What with all the drama and health issues that surround it.

The teenager is almost to the end of her tenure here at our house. It will be sad and lonely once she is gone. I will miss her, but I understand. The boy, on the other hand, will MOURN her absence. If she is gone for the weekend, he is constantly asking me where she is and when is she coming back. If these fucking men around here don't get their shit together, mama is going to have to visit a friggin' sperm bank so the boy doesn't drive her into a mental institution.

Growing up, I always had a sort of envious/appalled view on 'only children'. They got all the attention. When a coveted toy was wanted, the excuse of "Your sister/brother needs this..." was never thrown around.

However, they always seemed so lonely. We always had someone to play with, fight with, share the spankings with, share half the blame with. Someone who knew us and all of our dirty little secrets and while they didn't CHOOSE to still spend time with us, they still did. Because they HAD to... *evil laughter*.

I want that for Ty. I want him to know the singularity of siblings. I want him to know how it is to love someone enough that you can want to kill them in the morning, but still ride bikes with them after school. I suppose he gets some of that from his cousins, but still. They aren't siblings, no matter how often I tell him that Jr. is his brother from another mother. Dillon, too. I'm not too sure that I'm up for all of it, but I'll sacrifice myself for his growing up that way, if I should get the chance. God knows, I should probably call up his father, spend a few months in his company before I kick his sorry ass to the curb and TA-DA! I'll have the sibling required for Ty. On second though, maybe not. That whole third time's a charm thing... I'd probably end up stuck with him for life and that's not at all the reason I envision for ending up in the looney bin...

sweet dreams of you....

Not a lot to say today. Tired. Last night I went and learned how to play pinochle with the cute cowboy. Drank some beer, made too much noise. Merce's neighbor is pissed at all of us for keeping her up.

The office assistant is starting to grate on my nerves, poor guy. It's not his fault, he just doesn't have anything to do and so he cleans, a lot. I vacuum MAYBE once or twice a month, he's vacuumed twice since he started last Wednesday. Today, he took out the trash and we left early before he could start washing windows in the 30 degree weather.

The boy is wound up, big time, from lack of sleep. He's also getting on my nerves. PMS, anyone?

The deviant is telling women one story and the men another. I think she tells them (men) the x-rated version in hopes that she will become more popular with them. Either that or we're going to have to stage an intervention for the sex alcoholic that she is. Cute term, the office assistant was trying to say "sexaholic" and that's how it came out and now it sticks.

I'm off to sleeping, hopefully deeply and soundly. Knowing me, the minute I lay down, my eyes will pop open and the ol' mind will start racing along about how much to pay this bill, what will I say when I finally come face to face with her, what in god's name will I find for the assistant to do tomorrow? Sweet Dreams, all.

hit me with your best shot

WORD OF CAUTION: This post contains information that is really rather disgusting and delves into the world of one sick bitch, otherwise known as Smellie aka the skank that constantly takes my world, shakes it, and steps on all of the little plastic people, breaking them into bits...

I will tell you all what she has done.

Tall, dark, and handsome was here last week. He comes home every 6 months or so. When he comes home, we usually end up in bed together, at least once. Yes, he is my good fucking friend. Take heart, I don't constantly sleep with people harboring a devil may care attitude. In fact, by the time he comes home, I am usually starving for him. While the sex is good, it's the after chat I really like. He becomes a different person, let's his guard down and turns into this man that not too many people see. Generally, he comes off as this big, dumb, goofy guy but afterward, he reveals his intelligence and charm as we bitch and complain and try to solve the world's problems. Conversation that he offers is really quite rare in these parts, as most of the men I talk to laugh when i say something semi-intelligent re: world affairs, or about something outside of our village. You can tell by their eyes that while they KNOW it should have been funny, inside they are thinking "What the fuck is she talking about? Should I go get a dictionary or whatever it is called?". I get bored quickly. Anyway, Mr. TDH (I weary of typing out the whole damn thing) and I have fun, but we are just friends, officially. He comes (? Really I am not making a play on words!) and we have our fun and whenever we go out, it's with the sole purpose of him and I meeting up and when he leaves, we return to our previously scheduled programming. This time, however...

He and I had two nights together. And me, being the starved one that I was, after the second night, could hardly walk. Seriously. He's really rather well endowed and Lori's really rather not made for accommodating him. Cough, cough. It's all fun and everything, but there is really a price to pay for my wanton ways. The second night, after our mattress play, he went into the bathroom and by the time he made it back, I was fully clothed. He was disappointed "What? What about round 2 and 3 and 4? I told you I was feeling 'froggy' tonight!" To which I responded "Well, it's a damn good thing you have two functioning hands because I can NOT take any more abuse. Sex more than once per night with YOU is literally tearing me apart." He laughed, apologized, was embarrassed and then asked me to take him to his truck. He didn't want to be stuck at C's house "You know, just in case."

P.S. Him and I had talked about Smellie. We were, I thought, in total agreement of what a nasty skank she is.

So, I took him to his truck and motored on down to the bar to buy a pack of ciggies. Smellie and C were there. Smellie was all over me, asking if I had got laid and how happy she was for me because she knew how much I liked him and high fiving it and generally, just putting on a good show of camaraderie. And I was reveling in it. It had been so long since I felt like we were anything but circling around each other. I was getting ready to leave and asked her if she was going home and she said "No, I think I'm going to go up to C's. I really like talking with him and since he's leaving in the morning..." Warning bells DID go off in my head. But I thought Nah, she wouldn't mess with him. At least not while the scent of our activities is still warm on his body. WRONG.

What I can put together is that she started bragging about what good head she gives (oh yes, folks) and TDH, being the stoned male that he is, took it as the gauntlet had been thrown and took her up on the offer and so she proceeded to give him head, mere hours after he had sex with me.

Don't get me wrong, I am horrified and disgusted by his actions. But he is, after all, a MAN and I am really not surprised. We all know that they are the basest of organisms. Anything to do with sex and they are all over it. Add some weed and some alcohol to the mix and, really, ANYTHING can happen. TDH has always been the one to take chances, sexually. I am creeped out that he would let her do that so soon after... But I'm not MAD, he isn't mine to get mad over. I know that and that's probably the only thing that helps.

HER, on the other hand. WTF? What is with the "I know how much you like him and I'm happy for you"? What is with going down on someone hours after he lay with someone else? My god. It blows me away, the complete and total nastiness that she is. The fact that she would DO that, trying to garner his favor.

To sum it up, he walked into our friends' house next door and said "Yep, she really is as nasty and fucking sick as we all thought she was." And the next night was New Year's, in which, he kissed me so thoroughly I was a little bit embarrassed and then turned into a dick head and left me stranded, which I'm wondering if he was feeling a little sheepish, himself.

So, I don't have anything left for her. I am done. And the only words that fucking whore will ever hear me say, directly, TO her after this is "So, Smellie, how do I taste? I knew you liked my sloppy seconds, I just wasn't aware that you were so EAGER for them".

I did put a caution up there!! It's disgusting and rather junior high-ish, I admit. And a word to the wise women who know me, should you notice that I am waffling and hemming and hawing over forgiving her, please remind me of this. Remind me of how hurt and angry and disgusted I am right now. Remind me that if I give her an inch she will take 10 fucking miles and she doesn't deserve anything from me, save a total ass whipping. Thank you. Also, know that I am down, but not out. Bitch wants to play the game, she had better re-evaluate the game plan because I am SO not letting her win.

jezebel, save your charms

I started out liking Firef0x, I did. But now, it has turned into a pain in my ass. All these windows pop up when I'm navigating from one place to another. Some bull about encrypted stuff and blah, blah, blah. Hey! I just want to sign on to blogger. Do you think I could maybe blame a lack of posts on my firef0x?

I, being the amiable person that I am, called skanky girl via her mother and her mother told me that she would call and find her and have her call me. She never called. Actions speak louder than words and I really wanted to talk to her before she got home. Something about her being safely away. I'm not going to do the big confrontation. I am not going to try to kick her ass. I will quietly (and as classily as possible) tell her that she is a waste of my time, a waste of any energy I might expend upon her self. I will tell her that now, she has not only proven to me what a fucking skank she is, but to everyone in town. And how does it feel to know that while everyone might be nice to your face (because after all, we all really DO have manners, regardless of how it may sound!), that you have lost the respect of anyone who might have held some for you in the first place? And then I am going to turn, walk away, and leave it forever. This time, I will not forgive her. This time I will not apologize for being a bitch and this time, I certainly will let her continue to feel uncomfortable and like she's walking on glass. I feel stupid for blowing up, I feel immature for reacting instead of going to the people involved. Lessons learned, my girl, lessons learned.
I will be civil to her at work (nothing more, nothing less, Dad would KICK my ass). But other than work interaction, no words shall be forthcoming from me.

I hate it that this girl knows so well how to get to me. I hate it that I let her. And why me? Why does she keep doing this to me? Do I have some huge 'Kick me' sign pasted betwixt my shoulder blades? I don't know what I ever did to her in the first place that has made her carry such a grudge about me. Before the whole J thing, all I ever was was her friend. I didn't trust her but I had her over at my house, I took her grocery shopping. I was NICE. And this is where it got me. Oh well, lessons learned.

The boy is hopefully going to get to go riding today. He loves it so and the lady that takes him and his cousin, A, loves it as much. She really gets a kick out of watching them learn and teaching them. They are both so into it that it just makes me happy to see them get the chance.

Little sister has posted on how fast she is falling for her guy. And he, her. I wasn't going to say anything because whatever I say sounds like I am jealous and snotty. I worry about her. I always have. She tends to fall fast and gets hurt. I know it is her life and she makes her choices and by god, she has the right to do so. I just hope that she won't take it too fast with him because (as I put in my comment) things that burn fast and hot, well, they have a habit of burning out rather quickly. And, so far as I can see, it isn't going too fast. It's not like they spend every waking moment of the days together. They aren't together every night. They haven't even spent any sort of time together, sober. Maybe they just think it's happening fast? Maybe it just feels that way, with the late night talks and all. All I know is that they are good for each other. They kind of balance each other out. His drinking might get in the way of that, and that's kind of disheartening to think about. I just want them to be careful with each other. Because as good as they are together, they are really great as friends, too. Just be careful with your heart, Merce. I hope that you know I say this, not in a disapproving tone, but in an older sister worrying sort of tone. And I say it as someone that has fallen prey to the same sort of feelings with the best friend of your man, only to be brought to my knees because *gasp* all those late night, after drinking chats? Turns out they didn't mean SHIT. All that cuddling and the never ending "I love you"s? Didn't mean a thing. Not that S would do that to you. I think that he is far more mature and honorable than his friend. All I am saying is, just tread carefully. I don't want to see either of you hurt and men, well, you know my opinion of them this week; they are wicked, wicked creatures!! Although, in defense of S, he is probably one of the more gentle, easy going, sweet men I have ever met.

I read on BzBiff's blog about all of the tribulations and trials she is going through with her kids. I write she is going through, but with one of them living here, it should probably have been affecting me. Amazing to me that I didn't have a clue anything was going on with the teenager, I mean, beyond the drama that happened when her sister was her. But, it's not like she tells me anything really personal or anything. I suppose it's because she knows that I would tell her mom if it was something I thought she needed to know about. I try not to take it personally when she runs to Merce and spills her guts. I think it might be because she sees me as an official adult, grown up, parent... take your pick. In a way, it makes me feel good that I can fool the world with my front. Other than that, it makes me feel old and like someday soon, I will look in the mirror and Erma Bombeck will be staring back at me. Well, maybe not as old as she looked when she passed, but you get the picture. OLD. And for crying out loud I'm only 28 (29 in less than 20 days). Something about an old soul.

don't bother calling to say you're leaving alone, cuz there's a fool on every corner when you're trying to get home

I don't know. I don't know if it's true or if he even participated. There are a lot of things that make me question whether or not it's true. Like the fact that tall, dark and handsome is very homophobic. Like he had sex with me just that night and he hates her. And the fact that while she is dumb, I don't think she's really so careless with her life. She knows what would happen. If she did, the shit shall hit any fan within the vicinity.

I was telling the oh-so-cute cowboy last night that I am really a nice person at heart. And so, with that in mind, I am trying to NOT give her the benefit of the doubt. But there is too much that is not fitting together for me to wholeheartedly believe that tall, dark and handsome would leave me and go have a threesome with SMELLIE and another man, mere hours afterward... I am thinking that in typical Lori fashion, I might have flown off the handle. I post it here so that I may eat crow in my own, private (?) way. And if I am wrong, yet again, about it, and it is true, then no one (besides you 3 or 4) will know that I doubted myself. haha. Works for me!!

I Hate Everything About You

I am sick, horrified, disgusted beyond words and I'll be surprised if I'm not in jail this time tomorrow for murdering someone. Skank has struck again, this time, much closer to home, if what I am hearing is correct.

Tiptoe Through the Tulips With Me

I'm am t.i.r.e.d... Who knew it was so tiring to have someone be in the office with you all day long? I suppose it comes from trying to find things to entertain him and eat up time. I am, of course, referring to friend with broken neck, who is now put on sedentary work. He will be going back and forth between myself and the little sister. I warned him. I told him to pick up a book at the library and he wondered around but never got a book. So, I get to sit there and listen to him sigh and watch him staring at the walls, because really, I have no patience to teach someone how to figure out fuel tax reports when I've just figured them out myself. Although, he is a fairly intelligent man and I'm sure he could figure it out fairly quickly, himself.

Weather is turning friggin' cold again. I am sure that it will freeze hard tonight. Such a shame to see, after noticing all of the green coming up. January and we've got baby shoots of grass sprouting, already. Amazing. I read / heard somewhere that if the current warming trend continues, there will be no more extreme cold, anywhere by 2118 or some odd year. Wow. You get all these "greenies" blaming it on global warming and blah, blah, blah, but I wonder if it's just the cyclic nature of...nature? Like El Nino? One never knows. And I laugh at those who think they've got it all figured out, down to the person, like the president, to blame.

Meeting with the grant people went ok. I sat there and nodded and smiled and within 10-15 minutes, I was out of there, thank god, because my stomach was starting to growl pretty hard at that point in time. The board had been served lunch and it smelled so good, some sort of apple crisp in a crockpot for dessert. My stomach was having fits over having to sit there and smell that while I was so nervous about having to speak in public to a board trying to decide whether or not to give us $9,000. But I got out of there just before I started getting all pukey and light headed from low blood sugar. And we (the board) laughed about how easy and non-threatening it was. Discussed a few things and then went on our merry way.

Wind Of Change

The teenager found my 8th grade year book and was looking at it while I was out. I just leafed through it real quick. Not wanting to really stop and look it over. I looked at all of those faces. So young and hopeful, you could just see that we were going to conquer the world, or our corner of it, anyway.

When I was in the 8th grade, my brother was a senior in high school and the jr. high/high school was together. Oh, the memories that mere book returned to me! Wind of Change - Scorpions reminds me the most of it, because that was the song they played at my brother's graduation. His girlfriend was 6-7 mos. pregnant at the time and whenever I see pictures of her around that time, I always look for the evidence. They kept it a secret from all of us until September, right before she was due to go into labor. I think my nephew was born the second week of September. My brother and I were really close that year. And he never told me. I was devastated that he could keep such a paramount secret from me. Absolutely devastated. I think that was one of the first harbringers of my distrust in men. Here, I was so naive and thinking that my hero brother could never keep anything so huge from me, and yet, he did. I remember sitting on my mom and dad's bed, weeping, with him kneeling at the floor trying to comfort and love me. Assuring me that he told NO ONE. That him and her had kept it between them. I felt so betrayed and that little girl that lives in me still does, to some extreme.

I understand now why it was to be an absolute secret from the whole world. Her parents were (are) assholes that threatened to cut her off completely and totally financially should she get pregnant her senior year. That all changed to "we'll cut you off if you marry him". Nice people. Wonderful, church going Christians

My parents keep in touch with her and my nephew. And in her Christmas card to my parents, she sent a picture of him. I was floored. I was totally blown away. The only real picture I can last remember seeing of him is when he was around Ty's age. And now, my god. The boy is almost 15 and he's big and solid and looks so much like his mother and my brother. The perfect combination. I sat there and stared at it for like 5 minutes, straight. I couldn't take my eyes off of his likeness. I couldn't believe that so much time would go by and I didn't even take notice. When did this kid grow up into this... almost man? I am still transfixed by the image burned into my brain and I think that I will write to them. I don't know if they've even seen pictures of Ty. Nor do I know that THEY know he exists. But the parallels between the 2 boys is there. The single mom and the love of all things cowboy. I hate that we aren't in touch and I am going to write a letter, tomorrow, to them. Hopefully, it will be received favorably.

Running Out Of Days

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Let's see how much Lori can screw things up with any male that comes within a hairs breadth of enjoying her company this year, shall we?

To start things off on the proper note, she went out properly attired, hair straightened and slinky black Johnny Cash shirt sliding against perfumed skin . The evening was fun, kisses were shared, hugs were plenty and drinks were in abundance. Lori was having a really good time until she stepped out (or stayed out) on the sidewalk to catch some air with a Lucifer look alike (and we know how Lori likes those dark and dangerous men!!). Nothing happened except for a few awkward tries at copping a feel and Lori, trying to dance away gracefully. Given the state of drunkenness at the time, it was not in the least bit graceful.

Tall, dark, and handsome had a sort of peeved air about him when I came in, but he still agreed to take me home so that Merce could bring Steve home. What happened between then and the point of leaving, I'm not quite sure about. All I know was I was really rather unsteady and because I was unsure of my ability to walk or even stand, I was sitting, quietly talking to my wheel chair bound friend, waiting for Mr. Handsome to take me home and all of a sudden, he's putting on his coat and telling me he's going to give some friends a ride home and "get really fucking high, and hey! you think you can find another ride home?" All the while competing with another friend for the attentions of Sasqwench (a girl whose sexual exploits remain quite questionable and a trifle scary for someone of my delicate nature).

I get so fucking sick of men and their bullshit, I feel like ripping someone's head off. Preferably his, decked as it is, with his big goofy ears.

I know he might have been irritated by us being out there alone (but really! I NEEDED air, and 6 or 7 glasses of ice water, and it's not like he was willing to stand out there and hold me up so I wasn't drowning in a mud/ice puddle) and that's the only thing I can think of. That and Sasqwench and her air of sleazy sexual exploits sucking him in. God knows, it can't be all that fucking facial hair that the men find so appealing. I, personally, believe that it's the air of "I'll fuck farm animals for more drugs! And you can watch!" vibe that she emanates.

*SIGH* Oh well. The worst part is, he's leaving tomorrow and won't be back for 4-6 months and this will be hanging over 'us' whatever this is. I hate having people mad at me, unless they have royally pissed ME off, and then, well, fuck them, it's their problem. Running out of days and I'm too chickenshit to go find him, mostly scared of having put him off of our friendship because I hurt his feelings. Especially seeing as how he's the only one I am willing to have sex with, anymore. That whole thing of knowing what you are getting. That sounds bad and if I thought, for a moment, that he was putting me in danger of getting anything but off, I'd totally drop his ass.

Sometimes I do really feel like there is no one out there for me. Sometimes, I wonder why I do stupid shit like piss men off with my overt friendliness, but hey, if you don't want ME to lay claim to you, don't be fucking trying to lay claim here, buddy. I suppose there is still some growing up left to do here. Nice, I am so looking forward to it.