portal to summer

What a nice day. Ty and I dug up grass out of the flower beds out back, gathering color on our skins. He's already tanning, the little booger.

We planted peonies and a lilac bush. We repotted a couple of house plants (the vegetarian venus fly trap among the repotted). We started some seeds in little discs of magically expanding peat with netting around it. It was the annual weekend long opening of the door to summer, getting all the flower beds ready, the first weekend of pulling weeds and cutting back grass. Envisioning all of the pretty colors adorning the outside areas.

First, we went and watched 5-10 year olds play baseball, with gathering blue-black thunder clouds in the distance and a few raindrops for good measure. On our drive home through the canyon, it had rained and smelled like the eons of our summers' past. We rolled down the windows and immersed our memories in the scent. Ahhh, summer is on the way.

I was saying to my dad just the other day that Ty's allergies weren't acting up as much as they usually do this time of the year and alas! this morning brought a runny nose and red, itchy eyes for the boy. He is fitful and complaining and uncomfortable and I don't blame him in the least. Although, he is saying that his throat hurts and he is just generally acting 'ill' so I'm wondering if he hasn't caught a cold. I guess we'll see what the 'morrow brings.

Off to read a book or two and watch my golden skinned wonder sink into sleep. He still is worrying about the house catching on fire. But I've walked him through the plan, should that happened and reassured him as much as I could. He's still wanting to sleep in my bed 'Just in case' but I'm sticking to my guns. I hope that he'll soon get over this. I hate to think of him lying in bed, worrying and waiting for the house to burn down.

a quickie

I lied. She did want to go out with me. I read her all wrong, because just as I was settling into my PJ's and doing flashcards with the kid, she called and said "Hey! I just got out of the shower. Did you give up?". Which, I laughingly admitted I did. But we ended up going for a few drinks. And we went and bullshat with the boy (i shouldn't call him a boy, although he is 5 years younger than I) for a few hours while he was shooting pool. Lori was watching him shoot pool and panting, quietly, to herself. Then, he left and we finished our drinks and our conversation and we came home.

I fell asleep almost immediately (it was only 11:15) but woke up around 2:30 with fucking allergies. Coughing seems to be my most intense symptom this year, that awful tickle in my throat over these stupid allergies is going to drive me batty... I did see a flash of an article that this is going to be one of the worst allergy seasons to date. Color me hopeful that it's hyberbole. I'm off to read my celeb gossip fix...

one of those days and yum!! The handsome boy is home!!!!!!

Today was a long one. Mental work always seems to drain you much more than physical.

Tall, dark and handsome is home. Yum. Too bad I'm celibate for the next month. Too bad, like I could ALMOST risk an infection just to do some mattress thumpin' with him. He showed up at my house on my birthday "feelin' froggy". I knew it would happen; he'd show up right after I had it done. For cryin' out loud. And I had to tell him about the LEEP and stuff and, much to my surprise, he was worried and concerned. His mom has breast cancer and he's having to see that and see her after her chemo. And here I am laying this at his feet. Poor guy. The mother in me wanted to cradle him after I caught the look on his face. And the self-conscious fat girl in me wanted to wrap him up and keep him forever, as I stood there in a stinking work out shirt and boy-cut panties. Yes, really.

He came to my window and I was so amazed that he actually came out here, all by himself and not trashed out of his head that I went to the door in my underwear and the first shirt I laid my hands on. Trust me, it was NOT one of my more glamorous moments.

We sat and talked for a couple of hours, about everything. We talked about ol' SnailTrail and he told me that he wanted to go home and hang himself over it. I'm taking it on faith that he won't do it again. I told him that even if I hadn't had the LEEP, I don't know that I would be able to have sex with him because I was so skeeved over the SnailTrail thing.

I think I am absolutely adoring him.

I was going to go out and have drinks with him tonight, but no one would go with me. And I can't venture out without a wingman. I was feeling pretty bummed and sad because I felt like no one really cared. I mean, I know Merce does. And she offered to go with me, but I know she's tired and cranky and needing her sleep (after going out without ME last night *ahem* kidding, Murph). And so I won't make her. But I thought, and Merce did too, that for sure Noot would stand in for Merce as my wingman, but nope. She has stuff to do. It just hurts my feelings that when Merce wants to go, Noot jumps. I mean, I guess I didn't know how much more of a friend she is to Merce than me and it just makes me feel left out, I guess.

Funny how I come here and numb everyone's mind with my stunted emotional problems. It helps me to write about it and really, I suppose I don't have anything interesting to write, so I write about my retarded-ness, which, anymore seems to be a constant nagging in my head and heart.

Other than that, it's spring and beautiful. "Delicious" is how one crazy lady described the weather to me.

I gotta get the kid to bath and bed. Later...

dreary days...

So, Saturday breaks kind of cold and cloudy. Dreary, really. But we'll live. It's been so nice and spring-y this week, I actually broke out the sandals, TWICE. Yay....

Tonight, we'll be hanging at the neighbors. It's been called a BBQ, when really, it's just an excuse to stay at home and get drunk, rather than go to the bar. There will, eventually, be a smattering of food to show, but not until ten or so, when the heathen children decide to start gnawing away on arms and limbs.

Last night, I went down to the bar for a bit. Merce thought that I was mad because I went home early. Mad, no. Slightly irritated by the skinny boy that insisted on licking me (which is gross enough on it's own!!) AFTER he ate fish. I am allergic to fish. And I explained this to him and tried, in vain, to fight him off. He did lick me, and I hastily wiped any and all saliva, along with the first layer of skin (just to be safe) off the side of my face and he was mightily entertained *can you see me rolling my eyes??* I do like the skinny boy, I'd even go so far as to say that I love him, because, really, he has a huge, gentle heart that life often breaks for him and he is continually getting hurt and feeling bad. But, really. Don't go around licking people, it's just gross.

Aside from that, no I wasn't mad. I'm stepping back to let Merce and S do what they need to do. I hope that she understands that.

I remember her and I getting into a fight in front of the Cedarville Cafe because her and her best friend had decided that I was using Merce to be around Jake. I remember feeling absolutely devastated and slightly guilty because I could see how they would come to that conclusion. When really, it wasn't meant to be that way, at all. And now that the tables are turned, I see it even more clearly. I sometimes felt that way with S. She needed me for her wingman so she could be brave enough to go after what she wanted. And hey, if it didn't turn out the way that she hoped, she was there with me in the first place, right? It didn't have a thing to do with him (or so the convoluted thought went...). We've done that, Murph and I, with S. And I get the subsequent left out feeling. We go together, she leaves me high and dry and off she goes. It's just the way the game plays out. And really, that was the hoped for ending, right? So, instead of hanging around and feeling the third wheel, I leave early. And, Murph, when I do leave early or opt out all together, I hope that you'll remember this. I'm not mad or hurt or upset, I'm telling you, I already think that the end result will be what you hope for and you don't need me to back you up. Part of the growing up and letting go part of things, I suppose. It only takes 2 for a relationship. Add any more people into it and things go to shit, purty quick. Loves....

So, I think that I might be going to nearby town with the old woman who is my mother, today. If so, I need to get my ass off the computer and call her. Hope that all is well, and I will behave myself this evening, BzBiff, promise. No sex for a month.... not like anyone is beating down my door at this moment, so it's fairly certain I won't be having any problems. Tall, dark and handsome coming home isn't too much of an issue (I don't think). He's been tainted and after all the shit that's happened since he was last here, instigated, mostly by yours truly, I don't think I'll be an option for him, either. It was all rather junior highish and verily immature. Yes, I was hurt and angry, but I could have done better by expressing my unhappiness.

so, what's up?

I went and did the LEEP on Monday, the 17th. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Truthfully, the worst parts were the third shot (#'s 1 & 2 were hardly a sting and some pressure). The third shot almost put me through the roof. I don't know why in the hell THAT one hurt so damn bad, but it did. The other really bad part was when the machine that the Dr. hooks the little thingamajig to, well, it started reading "error" or something. And if anyone is going to die because of 'accidental' electrocution whilst propping her legs up in stirrups, believe me, it would be yours truly. That further accelerated my heartbeat. The shots in the cervix were lidocaine and that shit screws me up, something fierce. My heart was racing, I was shaking like a meth addict 2 days after their last hit, sweat pouring off my face and my eyes, they did runneth over. I had a hard time convincing them that I really wasn't sobbing. They made me stay there for about 15 minutes afterward, to make sure that I wasn't about to keel over. But all in all, I'd give it almost the same score as a pap. With the exception of the shots, it wasn't very uncomfortable at all.

It's the after that is not so good. So. I talked with the doctor on Thursday the 13th because my period hadn't started and I wanted to know if she wanted to reschedule. Yep, you guessed it. My period started the next morning. Anyway, the worst of it was over by the time I went in for the LEEP. But the residual cramping and uncomfortable-ness of my period is magnified probably ten times since the LEEP. I am hurting, to some degree, constantly. Hopefully, it's just this time. And all of the trauma to my poor cervix and not going to be a regular occurrence with my period. That would fucking suck.

And as a result of not feeling whole and 'normal', I have started bingeing like a mad woman about to embark on a 3 month ordeal in the desert with no food to guide the way. Right at the moment, I am so uncomfortable and fatty feeling. I am chugging water constantly, trying to beat the bloat, but my god, what I wouldn't give for some relief! Tomorrow, it's back to spinach salads and cottage cheese for lunch. Blech. I feel awful.

So that's what's been going on. Today was magical in all of it's springtime glory. The sun was soft and nary a breeze. Green everywhere, birds calling, bugs flying in the window to take out your eyeball (or your sister's, whomever happens to be driving at the moment).

Oh, and to add some fun to the mix, tall, dark and handsome will be home, soon. He's currently at his sister's house and I'm thinking he'll be home by the weekend. Interesting to see how he reacts (or doesn't) to the drama that occurred after he last was here.

making memories

I hope that you all had a nice Easter. We did. Ty received a Winnie the Pooh basket full of bubbles and assorted bubble wands, an activity book and a kite. The Easter Bunny was also thoughtful enough to gift him with a John Deere semi truck, complete with cattle trailer.

This afternoon, we went out and flew the kite. We had a blast. I had forgotten one of the best things about having a kid: They take you back to your own childhood. I haven't had that much fun in a long time and I think that I am going to go and buy one for myself. Of course living where we do, in the valley of gale force winds, there isn't very many times where the wind is just enough to fly a kite. Most of the time, it's too much and the kite swoops and dips and flips and flops. The boy chases it, like the kite is playing a game of tag with him, giggling all the while and making me snort with laughter right alongside. I had so much fun with him, working on getting that kite to fly today, I am so very much grateful to have had that precious hour with him.

Some days, it takes me by surprise. That I am a parent and fully responsible for this little guy. Most of the time, I'm coasting along on too little sleep, too much stress and not nearly enough money. Just trying to get what I can done and forgetting about taking the time to have those 'moments' with him. I forget, I'm careless and guess what? He gets robbed in the process. So I am refocusing on spending time creating memories for and with him. Because no one person knows what tomorrow will bring and I want to have had those times with him. The times where it isn't so much about trying to get him to bed or the house cleaned or what I'm going to do when I do get a few quiet moments to myself. I want him to grow up with the sound of our laughter ringing in his memory while his mind's eye carries him back to his mom running down the road, kite trailing, head back, laughter pouring forth.

Oh Happy Day...

I knew it. I forecasted it. I swear, I wasn't complaining about the rain!! I wasn't.

And now, look. The poor kids will have to hunt Easter Eggs in the snow. And the poor parents (namely, ME) will have to trudge along with snowflakes biting their frozen faces and water soaking through their tennis shoes because, really, snowboots are ugly at their finest.

And these pictures are after only 15-20 minutes of it. Hopefully, it will stop, soon. Merce says it isn't going to last and says that I should always take her at her word. So I am hoping...

Apologies

I do apologize for the previous post that was filled with my insecurities and whining. I've started exercising again, consistently chalking up 40 minutes/day, and already, my mood is improving. With the back and forth of the weather and the return of my almighty allergies, I should have known it was coming (the whining facet to my personality) and should have kept my exercising up.

And, as a side note, I'm writing this first thing in the morning. A morning in which I did NOT want to get up (when do I ever?) as the rain is beating a rhythm against the tin roof, which we all know is prime sleep inducing music. So, please forgive any rambling and non point making statements!

Thank you, BzBiff for your kind and wise words. They do help and they should help you as well. I know that he gets what he needs. I know that he's got it 'good' for the most part. As for worrying about him, well, it's my job. And being the natural worrier and gloomy person that I am, I do a bit more of it than anyone ever realizes. It's just that the logical side of my brain kicks in before I can spout off about it, normally. And then, shit happens (or doesn't, it doesn't really matter) and I get depressed and sad and pathetic and whiny and some of it comes spilling out. I think that one of the best facets to mine and Ty's relationships is that I am as fascinated and in love with him as anyone could be. And while I do see what you and anyone else might, it's just a flash in the pan. Because, as a parent, our own views of our own kids are slightly distorted from everyone else's. Not so much in a bad way (thinking of those monster children, who destroy everything and anything they touch and their parents blame it on anything and everyone else) but just with a different bird's eye view. Anyway, thanks again. It means a lot to have your support and your friendship to help me along the way.

NEWS FLASH: It's raining again. And since it isn't snowing, I'm not complaining. I'm one of those people who could live in Portland or Seattle and not bitch about the weather. I love rain. Of course, I'd like to see the sun again soon before I forget what the hell it looks and feels like, but I'll survive.

Work is work, personal life is still the same. Now it includes me coming home and working out (indoors, which always makes it feel more like a chore than being outside on my bike or walking). And so I stumble on....

So Here I Sit (*Warning, lots of whining and boo hooing ahead!)

On a Saturday night. On a night when all the cowboys will be in town because of the Silver Show at the saddle shop.

I am trying to not give in to the depression that has been licking at my heels for the last week. But right at the moment, I am just so tired of fighting it, I might give in for a while.

I asked Ty if I could go out for a while and he bawled and I felt like shit for even considering. Especially when I am the first one to say "God, shouldn't she be at home with her sick kid?" Although, in my defense, he was well enough this afternoon to go out and play for an hour. His fever is gone and his color is slowly starting to return.

Sometimes, I feel so low. And I know that part of it is my drama queen personality getting the best of me. Because really, what do I have to be depressed about? My health is good, well, it will be after they remove the pre-cancerous lesion on my cervix (which is looking like I am going to have to put off because my fucking period refuses to start when I need it to). I have a family who loves and cares about me. And yes, I admit, it does feel like I am about to be left in the cold because Merce and S continue to grow closer and closer and he is currently spending almost as much, if not more time with her than I am.

Childish, yes. For so long, it's just been she and I. As much as I thought I had to do with D, it was all a sham (for him) and I know that for S it is not. He isn't just merely using her to warm his bed and to have someone to hang out with. He does care about her and yes, I am glad that he does. I am not glad that I am alone, once again, but it's a position I should probably get used to. Seeing as how I have no luck with the male species. Well, unless you count the married men, they seem to have a special fondness for me. Yay! Part of me is tempted to just say "fuck it" and let it all go. Let the worry and morals and shit go out the window, just to feel like someone wants ME, at least for a while. And yet... I can't. I know, I whine farrrr too much.

So, I am sitting here, whining about being alone, when it could be so much worse. I know I need to suck it up and quit my bitching. Sometimes, though, a girl just needs to get this shit off her chest and since everyone is out hanging with cowboys, I bitch here. Lucky you.

Ty did tell me I should go. He feels better and he was being whiny, he says. He feels bad that I feel bad and is trying to make up for it. But really, I keep saying that I need to spend THIS weekend at home, and every single time, I end up going out. Well. Looks like I'll be spending this weekend at home. *sigh* coulda picked a better weekend, Lori. At least I know that I can count on myself, at times. Some of the time, it doesn't feel like I can count on even myself. That whenever I set something up for myself, the other Lori goes and fucks it up. Whichever that other Lori is at certain times. Could be the angel one telling me to stay away from that married man. Or the not so angel one telling me 'aw, fuck it, it's just money, you can pay that credit card off again' and 'just one more drink, it doesn't matter now, he's already asleep and you've already stayed out way past what time you said you'd be home.'

I am a terrible, awful person. And sometimes (most of the time) I think that I am stupid and selfish for even thinking that I could do this on my own. That I am ruining his life because I am not what he needs. That I yell too much and that I think of myself far too much, before him. I'm going now, I think I'll go to bed, even though it's only eight.

Spring is sprung and various life observations

Today, I sit at home with a pukey kid. I am proud of the fact that he's so calm about it while inwardly, I try to remain so. I was on the phone with Merce when I heard "Mom" in the normal, come here and make sure I did ok before I get off the toilet voice. Imagine my surprise when I walked in to find him up against the wall, pale and shaky "I threw up on the couch and then in the toilet. I'm sorry I didn't make it to the toilet in time." In such a calm, matter-of-fact voice.

The reason it amazes me is because while I might have outwardly remained calm, anytime he's 'urpy sick' and throws up wherever, my insides are having epic sized fits at having to be in the nearby vicinity of it. And, yet, I managed to not convey that somehow to him. All the panic of him actually doing it has somehow remained hidden away behind the loving mask of MOM and so, to him, it seems it isn't a big deal. Now, if I can only keep relaying the mask of calm throughout the rest of his tender years, who knows? He might grow into a 'normal' and balanced individual. Instead of being the paranoid, worried child he so often appears to be these days.

He's recently gone off the deep end about the fire alarms. Again. He worries, and frets, and worries some more. He cries and cringes at the imposing (it is to him) sight of that familiar white orb, blinking high up on the wall or on the ceiling. The newscaster was talking about a felon being arrested for having fire arms on his person and Ty freaked, thinking that he had said "fire alarms" and that set it off for yesterday. Merce says he's just being a kid and going through his 'own thing' with the fire alarms. I believe he is, too. But you and I know, as parents, we all have these little voices inside of us that are saying "Hahaha, that's what YOU think. He really IS fucked up over the whole thing and the longer you put off addressing it, the worse it gets!". We'll see. I'll give him a few more months and if it isn't any better, I'll ask the doctor what he thinks about it. I can see him going to kindergarten and having to live through a fire drill. That won't be funny and he will NOT find it exciting and a chance to get out in the fresh air like we did as kids.

Seriously. This is how my little man looks at this shit. The daycare provider was making quesadillas and the oil got to smoking in the pan, setting off the fire alarm. She went and reassured everyone (she thought) that it was just some smoke from the pan on the stove, aired the place out a bit and went back to what she was doing, only to realize she hadn't seen Ty in there with everyone and then remembering that he has this 'thing' with fire alarms after the hotel incident, she went looking for him. My precious guy was standing outside, snow falling all around him, looking at her with big eyes, wet with tears and he said to her "I was the only one who got out of the house when the fire alarm started". Poor guy. She felt like shit, but honestly, you don't even think about it. Because in our day-to-day lives, fire alarms are really the least of our worries, by themselves. We know that they are innocuous and that they don't start fires, but he is convinced that they do. My heart breaks for him and I'm just not sure what to do.

Well, Spring has finally sprung, the grass is 'ris, now where the fuck the flowers is?

Above ditty courtesy of my dad who, while managing ranches and clocking in thousands upon thousands of driving hours per year, has made up a hundred different little ditties about all sorts of things (snot being one of them).

Anyway, spring is here, I am surviving daylight savings time (by the mere skin of my fingernails, I tell ya') and green grass is sprouting everywhere. The cows are out, the AI heifers are going through their yearly 'thing' where they are given some sort of heat inducing meds and then are artificially inseminated, after a week of watching all of them mount each other. It sounds awful and it is, but it's really kind of funny and amusing to us ranch folk.

Every year, at this time, I am amazed with how in tune, we as humans, are with nature. Blood starts circulating at a faster pace. Everyone is ready to fight or f**k. And then, as the days start to level out and everyone gets used to the weather and the somewhat sunny days, things go back to normal. I am one that gets the itch to make everything right and spotless and organized and I am now sitting here looking at walls, wondering if I have the energy or the lack of brain function, to get up and wash them. I don't think so, which is why I'm focusing on my laundry, instead. And contemplating, should I go and find something to eat, that isn't very smelly or obvious so I can hide in the laundry room and eat it before he notices? The poor thing, his mother sneaking food so that he can't see and want it, too.