Mondays

Yuck. Mondays always suck for me. It just seems so hard to get 'back in the groove' of a work week. Plus, there are people constantly nagging me at the beginning of the week... "I need you to find this"... "Can you send/fax/email me that?" "Do you know..." "Can you find out...". No wonder I am always exhausted by the end of a Monday.

Things are sorting themselves out with BzBiff. I was awfully sad that I had betrayed her trust in me and worried sick that I had ruined our friendship. I am glad that things seem to be working themselves out and that we will hopefully all be closer as a result. If anything, the situation has hammered home the point that honesty is the best policy, uncomfortable as it may be at times. Although, sometimes, by being honest, you are betraying the trust that someone else has put in you by telling you their secret. A tangled web to be sure.

Will write more tomorrow. Hopefully, I will make it back from K. Falls. It is supposed to snow, only because I have to drive somewhere.

when it rains

There are times when I feel so small and insignificant in this world. Like I don't matter in the grand scheme of ANYthing.

There are also times when I feel like the world revolves around me in only that anything and everything I touch has some affect that does not, in fact, cannot go unnoticed.

I'm feeling (at the moment) about 1/2 and 1/2. Straddling the fence, at it may be.

In some aspects, I do matter. Just the fact of what has happened with one of my best friends and her daughter. I felt that I was doing the daughter justice by being there for her when she needed me, but at the same time, who am I to make those decisions? I do stand by what I did. Mostly because I did it and I take full responsibility for it. But also because I know that there are kids out there who get into situations FAR worse than this one has been in, who need someone that they are comfortable spilling the details to. But, really, who am I? Certainly not the hero.

My life is so fucked up in and on it's own that I really shouldn't fool myself into thinking that I might be in a position to dispense advice to a teenager. Obviously, after what I've been through tonight. And I am embarrassed and ashamed to think that I thought I was being kind and helpful to those involved, when really, I have no credentials to back me up. For that I am sorry. And for hurting one of the closest and best friends I have. My only saving grace being that I truly love her and her daughter and I would never knowingly or willingly hurt either of them.

And then, the small and oh so insignificant. I sat there, tonight, looking around at all the people around me. Grumbling and bitching about their day to days, wondering if I just got up and left, who would notice. What would they say? Mostly, it would be "I can't believe she would just LEAVE without saying goodbye!". I would hope that one or two of them would wonder what was up and worry about me, but I try not to delude myself in most things. I know that Merce would wonder. But tonight when I left, she accused me of being mean, when really, I am depressed and moments away from tears and it kind of hurt my feelings that she would say that when she knows it all. I really didn't mean to come off mean, but I know that if I had stopped to go into detail, I would cry and I didn't want them all to see.

I wonder what my life will be like a year from now. I honestly see it as more of the same. I will be doing the same things, with the same people, feeling like the most alone person on the face of the planet, surrounded by people who just want to have fun. At this point, I am thinking I might never find another man to marry, much less love. What if this is it? Really. What if you only get so many chances and then you are left with the alcoholics and perverts, or better yet, the alcoholic perverts? I don't want one of them for life. I don't even want one of them for one more second.

I am tired and PMS'y and going on 2 beers plus a shot of Hot Damn. So maybe I should just go to bed. Today, work was a bitch. Cute cowboy is seeing some girl. My state refund hasn't come in. And I am supposed to go to the doctor on Tuesday, but seeing as how it has been nice, it is supposed to SNOW the day I go to the OB/GYN (an hour and a half away) for the consult on the most recent abnormal pap. MY GOD, I love the way shit turns out for me. When it rains, it fucking floods around here.

awash with guilt

I always feel so guilty about not posting... I hope you all forgive me for my laziness (all 2 of you!).

The weather has started to change once again. The afternoons are full of soft, slightly chilly breezes and abundant, soft, springy sunshine. I love it when the light is like that. It's almost as if you could reach out and take a bite out of it. Everything is golden and almost muted. Fall produces those days, mostly. But every now and again, you'll find them in the spring. I like taking pictures on these sorts of days. Have I been? Ummm, no. Another neglected 'sport' that suffers from my laziness.

I've been taking care of mom and dad's pets while they are gone. One of them is my own and once I can get her spayed, I will reclaim her. I might end up finding her a new home because god, she drives me insane at times and her breath stinks (nothing worse than feeling slightly nauseous and having dog breath clog up the air around you). But before the boy, she was my kid and I would feel terribly guilty for pawning her off on someone else.

Mom and dad are on their way home. Mom just couldn't handle it. She is worn out and worn down and lonesome for her home and her animals. I wish that she would get out and do more, and then maybe, these occasional trips wouldn't wear her down so far and so quickly. I worry about her more than I put across on here. I worry about her almost constantly. It's always in the back of my mind and I feel bad for her because I know that my dad can be really dick-headed about her and what is going on with her health and her mind. No one deserves to be treated unfairly for an illness, but it's just his way of dealing with it. Instead of hiding the anger that comes along with the terror of losing someone you love, he hides the terror and displays the anger, most frequently at the one whom he worries over. I've been the recipient of that funny little quirk of his more than once. I do think, too, that he is so afraid of loving someone and losing them, that he prefers to push people away who affect his emotions so that he won't hurt so bad if he does lose them.... Of course, that's just my opinion, I COULD be wrong. It could also be the plain and simple fact that he is a man, and who know's what goes on with their minds?

Tottler is still suffering from a rather nasty cough and accompanying snot face. His poor little nose, I bet it gets rubbed at least 30 times a day. He is full of little boy energy. Jumping in half dried mud puddles, caking his boots and his pants. That was today's big fight. I am so sick of him doing this kind of shit. Laugh if you will, but he is convinced that the mud... it looks, to him, like 'cow poop'. He feels so proud and... manly (?) when he is strutting his stuff, covered in 'cow poop'. Drives me up the wall. He cracks me up, though, when he gets that little boy swagger going on. Trying to be all macho. Yeah, I guess I'll keep him.

Not much to report. Work has been a nightmare for the last 2 days.

Our regional human resource director tried to fire Clint (broken neck'd neighbor) and tried to convince me that we would just hire him back on when it all gets sorted out. No, I don't think so. Our company has a policy against hiring people with certain felonies and certain misdemeanors with in the last seven years. So I talked her into a personal leave of absence with no pay. I feel bad, but it was the best I could do. I thought she was going to choke when I stood up to her, but you know, if it was one of these guys that goes from job to job to job and just wanders the country, shifting aimlessly, that would be one thing. But Clint really likes his job and he is a valuable employee. He just has a fucked up personal life.

I also had to spar with one of our employees over her pay. She was pissed that this kid got hired at a higher rate than she did and she's been here for 3 years. Well, she's hired as a laborer and he was hired as equipment operator. She was all snotty about it and I got just as snotty back with her. Funny how that works, huh? Her and her husband have been getting big for their britches, here for a while, now. His little brother is the one who hired into equip. operator and he's just as bad. Yes, it's PMS week and I let him have it, too. He was pissed over not being paid for working the holiday. Yeah, buddy, come in here to do your background check and try to convince me to put you in a day early, without getting the ok on your background check. Nope, you are shit outta luck.

I do like my job, I swear. But I am amazed at the amount of babysitting, coddling and hand holding I have to do. Not to mention, having people come in with this attitude of "this is how it is going to be and you will just do it my way, right now".

I used to be the one looking for the job. I interviewed at many, many jobs over the years. And I never once walked into a place to fill out applications and acted like that to an office manager, a secretary or otherwise. I have never been so stupid as to think that I could act like that with an integral part of the company and enjoy my job. I suppose some don't realize that friendship with the office manager is an asset. I know I sound all self-important and snotty. I don't mean to. I just get sick of people (the last 2 days are a good example) treating me like I am naive and air headed and a complete idiot. I'm not and I am sick of putting up with people's shit. Rrrrrooooar. I am OFFICE MANAGER!

I am also sleep deprived and maybe catching something, a little feverish. Pardon my dorkiness.

freezing my ass off

It's a holiday! Yay. Although, I am fair sick of being stuck with this rotten ass child. He has been in fine form over the weekend.

Last night, we stayed over at my mom and dad's. They are on vacation and have some really rather NEEDY animals. I am, in fact, blogging from their house. They have DSL and once I get all my ducks in a row, I am SO getting DSL. Love it, love it. I have it at work, but work also has Dan's Guardian, which is a huge pain in the ass when you have as much bookmarked as I do that contains blogspot.

Other than that, the weather fucking sucks. We had a snow storm that I'd describe as 1/2 way to a blizzard that lasted ALL day long and into the night. Then, the temps dropped to single digits overnight and the highest temp since Sat. has been about 35 degrees with a windchill of about 25. IT'S COLD. And the salt in the wound, my mom and dad traveled to Arizona for vacation w/ my aunt and her husband. They have spent several hours, sitting by the pool, drinking iced tea and thanking God that they are there instead of here, in the continental Arctic. I gotta go.... Merce is awaiting me so that we may grocery shop. She says she wants to get and get back home so that she can do some laundry. I suspect it is so that she can come home and nap.... hahaha, I am ONTO you Merce!!!

sick kid and a cranky mother

Today I am sitting home with a sick kid, it's 9:02 a.m. and he is already making me insane. He wants to go out and play and run, and it's snowing. I understand that he hates being stuck inside, how does he think I feel having to be stuck here with him? But I really don't think it is beneficial to his terrible cough and constantly running nose. I told him that if he is well enough to play outside, he is good to go to daycare. He was NOT happy. Currently, he is trying to stab me with a straw in hopes that the fear, alone, will make me cave. God, I hate being home with a sick kid. As boring as my job can be and as much as I hate it at times, I would MUCH rather be there than here. Unless he was really sick and just needed cuddles and sleep. Then it wouldn't be so bad.

Clint, the broken neck friend, was charged with felony assault, apparently he threw a TV at his wife (ex?). At least that is the rumor. I haven't talked to him, but I talked to the DA's office and his bail is set at $50,000. Sheesh. Idiot. I'm sure he's feeling quite foolish and idiotic himself and so when I see him, I will try to NOT make so much fun of his situation. Although, I will allow myself a moment's gratification of "I told you....". I love it when I'm right. However, since he is my friend, and a pretty good one at that, I really wish I hadn't been right about this.

When I was 18-19, I trained and worked for a domestic violence hotline and safe houses. I was always astounded by the mindset of the abused. How could they keep taking it? How could they keep going back? What would it take to make them realize that while life without a partner might be lonely, it's far better than being smacked around on a regular basis? And, you know, I say that because the number of people who would say, "Well, I don't want to be alone" always, and still does, dumbfound me. Uhhh, what about being in a coffin? Not like your 'beloved' is going to be lying six feet under, snuggled in tight with you. Yes, being without a significant other is lonely, but for God's sake, it isn't as bad as people think. My head is still stuck on people who would rather be beat than be alone.

Anyway, I did have a point with that last paragraph, I just got sidetracked. Clint, my friend, is one of those who consistently believes 'it' will be better this time. She apologized, there are kids to consider... he has a million excuses and I truly do believe that it comes down to: he doesn't want to be lonely. I know that he gets lonely and I know that it is hard for him, but he'd have a MUCH better chance of finding someone if he'd put the beer down and get control of his life. Before he ends up in prison over that rotten witch. He is a nice man. Witty and intelligent. Compassionate. He is always after me for being mean about people and while he understood the whole "butt-hurt" thing, he would always tell me "I just think that there is something seriously wrong with the chemistry in her brain or something within her that is broken and you can't really blame someone for a mental deficit, can you?". Most of the time, I told him that he was full of shit and could say whatever he wanted, but he wasn't changing my mind. I do see what he was saying, but I do think she has more control over 'it' than he thinks she does. Plus, he always goes the way of the underdog, it's just the way he is and one of the things that I love about him. *sigh*

Other than that, winter has returned. This morning, we have snow and freezing ass temps. Up north, in the city that we were in last weekend, the wind chill is like -29 or something and a low of 1 degree. Nice. It's not quite that bad here. Thank God, I'd be even more cranky than I am already. Kid just smashed his fingers in my tool kit. After a million and one warnings to stay out of it. Hard to be sympathetic when I feel like whipping his ass for opening it in the first place. Amazing how they have their boundaries about their stuff, but mom's stuff has none. Or none at least in their mind.

to hell in a handbasket

The city up north was ok. The first night we were there, some kid pulled the well received stunt of pulling the fire alarm at five in the morning. Chaos ensued within our suite. Kids and us two moms were frantically trying to find shoes and coats while half asleep (though, who could SLEEP with that ear piercing racket??). Ty made it out the door, in mom's arms, with only his underwear on. By the time I got to the sidewalk, after 3 flights of stairs, he was shaking so bad, I could barely hold him. Whether from fright or the ten degree morning, I'm not sure. Mostly fright. The next night, I could barely convince him to stay in the motel. He wanted to stay in the van, with just our coats for covers. The van that we rented and couldn't return until Monday because no one could receive a rental on Sunday, although there were probably 50 people roaming around the Dodge place that day. It was a mess. I did have fun but, god, I'm glad we only do it once a year! I think I was just as excited to arrive home as I was to go in the first place. Tired, but happy.

We arrived home to the broken neck'd guy having been tossed in the clink, charged with felony assault. Domestic sort, his wife is a bitch and will do the most god awful things to him, only to come running back, telling him that she has uterine cancer and is dying from it, all the while scheming and plotting on how to hurt him next. Looking like the picture of over abundant health, with her 250 plus poundage.

A good friend has been accused and semi confessed to shooting a big horn sheep. It's a long story and one I don't feel like getting into. All the legal bullshit surrounding this is astounding and is stressing everyone out.

Then, today, I got the call. My pap came back abnormal again. The last checkup on the last abnormal pap. Wonderful. Abnormal glandular cells again. I will go to see a OB/GYN this time, instead of a GP. Probably another colposcopy. Then a LEAP procedure. Fun, fun. I just don't want to fucking go through this again. I feel, deep down, that it will be ok, but still, the angst and stress and worry that I put myself through, being the drama queen that I am. I just don't want to do it. It's been a long day. I think I will go take a bath and go to bed.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Dad. You're a "real" sweetheart!

quick posting

Today I am headed off to city in the north for an overnight stay (the kids RELISH the thought of staying in a hotel!). We will go and blow most of our tax refunds. Nothing new to post about....

Last night, the cute cowboy winked at me and then proceeded to tell everyone that the size of a man's hand is not a true indicator of what is residing down below and I could recite verbatim what he said, but it was really quite tacky and I try to resist making anyone look bad on here *ahem*. Well, except for that one time...hahahaha. Anyway, he was rather drunk and while I was feeling all special, I realize that he was under the influence and will take it with a grain of salt. Try to at any rate.

Tonight, we will take an ex boyfriend of mine out to dinner (try to, if we can find him). It's the first time I will have spent any significant amount of time with him in the last couple of years and he really is so much fun and so funny, I have missed him and how he makes me laugh.

That's about it. I had better go get into the shower or merce'll be wringing my neck. While I enjoy the sunshine and blue skies, I WILL be thinking about all you back east (looking at you, Rose!). Crossing my fingers that it won't be as bad as predicted. Loves!

coyote calling

There is a reason I often refer to lions and bears and coyotes, oh my! when describing where I live.

Example: Tonight, I trotted outside, half pissed off at having to go searching through the car for a sucker that the boy bought today, in the dark, while it is approximately 28 degrees outside. Normally, I'd just say 'fuck it, it was only 25 cents' but since he bought it with his own money, that he earns for picking up his messes and putting away his clothes, I felt obligated to find the damn caramel apple sticky mess. So I go prancing out to the car, fuming in my head 'if he would just take care of his SHIT!', around the back of the car I go, reach out to open the door and an animal EXPLODES from underneath, racing for the field across the road. Usually, I would just convince myself it was a cat ( a really LARGE one, lightly colored) but the incidence of coyotes coming into our yard, investigating the small city population of wild cats we have living around the apartments put me in a slightly different state of mind. Merce has seen three in the yard. One, when she was going to lunch, darted out of the fenced in yard (no one closes their gates around here) and across the road in front of her. Then, recently, she heard some animal snuffling noises coming from just outside her window, got up out of bed, opened the curtains and the window and there were two, dashing through the gates, accompanied by howling only yards away.

How I got into the car and shut the door escapes me. I don't remember it. I remember looking around the floor for the sucker and a weapon, JUST IN CASE. And then, the howling started. From next door, from across the road and I became a mass of quivering wimp. I called Merce, half amused but more scared than I like to admit (good thing my cell was still in my car) and she talked me back into the house. Freaky.

One more coyote story. I have all sorts, but I'll spare you. The ones in Lake Tahoe were HUGE. Anyway, when I was about Ty's age (4-5 years) I remember meandering around in a grass field. The grass tall and dry, hot, with that earthy smell. I was picking flowers and every so often, I'd look up to see my dad, yards away, fixing fence, sweating in the sun. All of a sudden, he's screaming at me and my first thought is that he is pissed and ready to wring my neck for something. What, I didn't know. Anyway, he is saying something about coyotes and get his gun and pointing and where I had been a moment before is a coyote, peering through the 3 foot tall grass and not too far from it, the grass is dimpling and curving, another in the first one's wake. They had been following the scent and they knew whatever it was, was little but big enough, it would need two of them to take it down and carry it off. Even more freaky.

In spite of those stories, I feel like they are a part of me, of who I am. The lonely, mournful howls that cut through still blackness of night. The yip-yips of the pups in the springtime, joyful with freedom and the chase. The unity of the pack. I feel them somewhere inside of me, one with the nighttime wanderers.

sky rockets in flight

Ahh, the weather. It's been perfect, for me. Nice and crisp, almost (dare I say it?) WARM during the day and frosty mornings. Love it.

Today, the new daycare provider came. I really like her. She seems very down to earth and warm and open and I am hoping that things will move along smoothly. Translates to: I hope that Ty doesn't freak out like he did the day we had a stand-in babysitter and my son actually ran down the street, screaming his head off like Jason or Freddy was after him, while the wide eyed, sweet girl stood there apologizing to me. Like she had something to feel sorry about, it was ME and my absolute embarrassment that my son would act like she was an axe murderer. I felt bad that he would react to her like that. Especially since she was trying so hard. I have a sneaking suspicion that Ty and his little act of horror was partially responsible for her not wanting to do it again.

I've been telling him for a while that there was going to be a new babysitter and I am going to introduce them before he has to go there full-time, so that he can at least see her and know who she is before I just dump him into her arms. Come to think of it, that's probably what I'll have to do in the end, quite literally, pick him up, like I did last time and lock him in the house with her. God, I am such a cold hearted person, judging by that last line. I'll also tell you, I went back (after getting to the car) opened the door and told him he could come with me for a while. I talked him out of his histrionics and we were back in less than an hour and he totally fell in love with her and wanted her, only, to babysit him.

The office assistant is going to his doctor at the end of the week. He's already gadding about without his neck brace, making me quite nervous. Smart ass that he is, he actually sat across from me this morning and popped his neck. I almost shat myself. He received quite the lecture. And this afternoon, he was reclining in his chair, napping, as is his afternoon delight. He moved wrong and all of a sudden, screaming from his half of the room and Lori sitting there, with pounding heart, dreading the words that will come from him. "Owwwcchhhh! Maybe I shouldn't move that way. That was a bad idea." Snoooooorrre. I don't know if he was talking in his sleep or what, but it certainly revved MY heartbeat up a little bit.

I hate those little surprises after 30 minutes or so of total, absolute quiet. The popping balloon, the sonic boom, the jets that favor our little valley for practicing their maneuvers. My dad has a habit of turning the CB radio up 3/4 of the way to it's max. And I really get pissed after one of those lengthy silences when all of a sudden "pickup 4 to 21" blares from right behind my left ear. Trials and tribulations of my life. Maybe I should rename the blog?

3rd post for the day...

Only, you wouldn't realize that because Blogger ATE my first one. WTF is up with Blogger these last few days? I'd hate to have to move to Typepad or something....

as promised

Aren't they cute? This first one was walking

along the fence, mooing and we were

tempted to steal him and take him

home with us...